Sorry!

I know I've been gone forever. I've been having a really hard time with my life in general, plus the fact that my internet doesn't work at my house right now. I'm sitting in McDonalds because they have free wifi. Ate cereal this morning (because I have to eat when I take my Lexapro in the morning) so I'm not even tempted.

Points worth mentioning:

- I've been binging out of control because of my insane depression so I shot allllll the way back up to 120. Motherfucker. I'm back to 118 now but shit...I was so close. My mom told me I'm "finally starting to look healthy again". Yuck. I never looked anything less than healthy, so I know I was on my way back to blubbery. Hopefully I can keep myself under control and lose what I gained back and then some.
- My boyfriend broke up with me at 1AM on our 9 month anniversary four days ago. Therefore removing the last thing that meant anything from my life. We talk a tiny bit and I'm waiting to see if he'll take me back. He just couldn't handle all of my crazy. I obviously don't blame him...I just wish I was better for him.
- My psychiatrist upped my does of Lexapro from 10mg a day to 15mg. I have a feeling he's going to end up upping it again next time I see him. Been on it for nearly four weeks and I don't feel any different. I still get panic attacks, I can't even drive anymore, and the side effects have been kicking my ass. My body feels like it's plugged into a live wire for most of the day. That's not to say I have energy. I just feel like my insides are vibrating. I hate it. Plus nausea (I almost puked for the first time in neartly a year yesterday), dizziness, and a marked difference in my ability to orgasm for a week or so. TMI? :P

So those are the major things going on in my life right now. I'm trying to get the internet working in my house asap so hopefully I'll be back to updating regularly soon. Miss all you guys!

Eedee.

forty-nine.

I have no idea what I weigh. I'm too scared to step on the scale, and also too distracted. My size 5s still fit and I don't feel like I've been binging out of control so maybe I'll be pleasently surprised whenever I work up my courage.

I started Lexapro three days ago. An antidepressant for those unfamiliar. I feel like I'm already getting the side effects. Or my brain is manifesting them because I read what they COULD be and so is convinced I should get them all now. I've also been getting panic attacks. Terrible, horrific panic attacks. The one I had yesterday, I was shaking so bad I thought I was going to have a seizure. And I was driving. Not good. Pulled over right away, of course. But yeah...we've decided that I'm not going to be driving for a little while until something changes. Hopefully the Lexapro will kick in (says you may feel some effects after a week or two but it takes 4 to 6 weeks for it to be fully functioning). And these panic attacks..they happen when I'm not really feeling anything at all. I started getting another one about an hour ago (tight chest, difficulty breathing, tingling in my fingers, trembling, and lightheaded) so I took .5mg of Ativan and I'm feeling a bit better now. That was my second one today. I had to take one this morning because my boyfriend came to my house to pick me up and bring me to his and I know that for some reason being in a car is an issue for me. I swear, it didn't even matter. I spent the whole 15 minute ride hunched over in my seat, deep breathing, trying not to pass out or puke or shake too hard and trigger a seizure. I've never had a seizure, in case anyone was wondering. I'm just petrified that it's going to happen. My entire body was tingling and I kept getting these waves of hot and cold in my body that made me feel like I was going to pass out. It was terrible. And I was just in the freaking emergency room for this YESTERDAY. I can't go on like this. I tremble slightly all the time and I can never just get a full deep breath without feeling this pull in my chest. I'm really scared. Just terrified. I know this is an ED blog and this doesn't really fit here, but this is the only place I have that I can keep all this down. And I want to keep you guys updated on why I haven't been around so much lately.

Foodwise, today I had a Fiber One bar (because I need to take the Lexapro with food in the morning) and a small bowl and a half of Fruity Pebbles. I'll have something else in a little bit because my stomach's been growling for hours. And I've got enough pain right now without that.

Hopefully I'll be able to stay at BF's house tonight so I don't need to use up yet another Ativan. My mom managed to just LOSE $65 and so can't afford to fill my prescriptions until Friday. I have two .5mg of Ativan and one .5mg of Xanax. That will barely bring me through the rest of today and tomorrow. I am so fucked.

Eedee.

forty-eight.

I don't know exactly what I weigh right now. I'm going to guess 117. I refuse to weigh myself right now. I've consumed MUCH more than I could have dreamed in the past week and I'm just ashamed of myself.

I'm back home in Jersey. Woke up at 7AM, popped an Ativan about five minutes into the drive because my chest was seizing up, and was home by 8:30AM. Texted my boyfriend good morning, since I intended to see him today, and then passed the eff out until 10AM. Ativan is weird for me. I took it a few nights ago in FL because I was having issues but it was too late and I couldn't justify wasting one of my last Xanax (of which I made it home still having three, so yay). I figured it'd knock me out right away but I was awake for like four hours after taking it. Whereas less than two hours after taking it today I'm passed out. Maybe because I was more tired after the drive home or whatever. Just weird.

My mom's going to take me to the hospital in a little while to see what's going on with my insides. I know I've mentioned the Charity Care thing before, which is where you can get free medical care at a given hospital in NJ if you're poor enough. And I definitely am. So going to the hospital for me is like going to a regular doctor for other people. Kinda messed up but that's what it is. I was hoping that a lot of the tightness would go away as soon as I got home, like it did last summer. Last summer is a STORY dude. Someone remind me to tell you guys sometime. Alas, as the day wore on I felt worse and worse. Had to put off seeing my BF until tomorrow, which sucks. So now I'm just waiting for it to get a little bit worse (terrible I know, but the worse you are when you go in the more seriously you're taken) then I'll be off. Tomorrow I have my psychiatrist appointment, which I can.not.wait for. Hopefully they give me something to get rid of all this anxiety and I can actually live like a normal human. I need more Xanax too. I'm pretty sure they'll give it to me after I tell them what's been going on the past week.

I've been trying to decide if I'm going to bring up the eating thing with them tomorrow. Not that I'm eating too little. Because I certainly have not been. But because I've been binging so out of control lately. One night last week I ate three granola bars, three pieces of Popeye's chicken, two pears, and about ten pieces of leftover fried chicken balls or whatever they were. Another day I had four pieces of fried chicken, six mini muffins, yogurt, and leftover grilled chicken, rice, and veggies from the night before. It digusts me. No wonder I gained six pounds this past week! Then today. Since I've been home today I've had a granola bar, two huge pieces of chocalate cake my mom made (and we're talking huuuuge. like, half a paper plate huge) and an entire pound of cold-cut deli turkey. Oh, and three jelly beans. It's terrible. I can't control a single thing that goes in my mouth. I wanted a tiny slice of cake and three pieces of turkey. Instead I eat all the damn turkey and half the fucking cake! My stomach is bloated and it hurts like hell and I can't stand it. I would lax my brains out tomorrow but I have that appointment, then another appointment, then I'm raping my boyfriend for the rest of the day, haha. True story. Wednesday is lax day. I have a job interview in the morning but I'll pop a few after and clean myself out. I feel disgusting. I think I'm going to mention it to the psychiatrist. Say this has been happening for a while and I have no control over eating until my stomach screams in pain and every bite nearly gags me. Which is what it's been like for the past week. Especially today. I almost purged. I HATE throwing up more than anything in the world, and yet I almost willing did it because I felt so full and disgusting. Yeah. I know a few of you out there are on Topamax and I've read that it's been working pretty well for you. I don't know. I'll see what they say. I definitely think I'll bring it up though.

I'm sorry I haven't been commenting on your blogs lately. I have been reading, I just haven't felt that I've had anything to say that anyone would want to read. I'll get back on track once I get seen by a doctor and they tell me I'm not dying of some exotic disease :P

I hope everyone is doing well. Stay strong, beauties.

Eedee.

forty-seven.

Still 116.5, despite having a horrific binge today. Honestly, I've binged before and I've felt full and awful but never like this. I think it's because of the other shit I have going on. I walked across the street to this grocery store and bought a 4 piece container of fried chicken, a box of Little Debbie blueberry muffins, and two yogurts. Ate the chicken and all six muffins over the space of about 45 minutes. I still feel so full. I never want to eat again. Had to go to an Urgent Care place here too because of the breathing and pain and shit I've been in all week. I've started getting these sharp pains in my lower ribs on both sides whenever I sut up straight and try to take a deep breath. Doctor said my lungs and heart were good, then suggested freaking appendicitis. Seriously? He pushed on my stomach (which of course hurt due to all the food I had eaten, even five hours later or such) and I flinched. I flat out cried out when he pushed on my rubs and the space between them. I was nearly sobbing the entire time, by the way. I don't deal with feeling bad very well, especially when a freaking doctor tells me my appendix might burst and I'd have to spend months in the hospital. Thanks, dude.

I think the burning in my upper stomach/chest area in the middle of my boobs could be acid reflux or something. What does that normally feel like? I'm going to take some of my dad's wife's Pepcid in the morning if it's still there. I would take it tonight but I'll be going to bed in like three hours or so anyway. Took some Xanax after the doctor and I'm kind of better. I know at least 50% of what's going on in my body has to do with anxiety and my inability to deal with it. My dad just keeps telling me to relax and breathe and get a hold of myself and I'll be okay. And I'm like dude, if I could do that I wouldn't have an anxiety DISORDER. That word implies that I have an abnormal issue with whatever the subject is. That I can't just take a deep breathe and concentrate on something else. Even when I'm not thinking about anything at all, my subconcious is whipping my body into a frenzy. And I can't control it. I was talking to my mom earlier and I just started crying. She asked me why and I just screamed at her that I didn't know why. Because I didn't. I mean, sure I was upset about all the medical stuff and I miss her and everything, but normal people can get through a simple phone conversation with their mother without sobbing into the phone all of a sudden. God, my therapist is going to have her work cut out for her when I see her again.

How about some good news now, hmm? I have a job interview at a pet supply store on the 13th. And I can make an appointment for an interview at Six Flags whenever I call their recruitment office. My psych appointment is the day after I get home, as is my gyno. Since I've been having those same sharp pains in my boob area, I'm hoping they'll reassure me (yet again) that I don't have breast cancer. I'm convinced I do nearly all the time, so it's always good to hear that I'm still somewhat healthy, haha. I'm getting a colonoscopy on the 30th, which is good and bad. Good because I've been trying to get one since like December and it'll help the doctors figure out what's wrong with my stomach/intestines stuff. But bad because of what it actually is. In case anyone isn't familiar with what it is, and not to be gross or anything, but it's when they sedate you (which freaks me the fuck out more than I can even tell you) and run a small camera on the end of this tube or something up your butt and through your intestines and stuff. Yeah. Definitely freaked out but I really need it so it's good to finally have an appointment. My mom also told me she's going to make me an appointment to see a lung doctor to test for asthma, since I did have it when I was a kid and all the issues I'm having now. The doctor today said he doesn't think so, but it'd be through Charity Care (which is when you're poorer than dirt in Jersey and you have no insurance so that covers any medical shit at a specific hospital and whatever doctors they refer you to) so it'd be free anyway. So I might as well, even just to alleviate that much more stress from my brain.

So yeah. Having a TERRIBLE time right now but once I get back I'll get all my shit in order, feel better, and get back on track. Bear with me, guys.

Eedee.

forty-six.

Losing is on the back burner for me right now. I still hate the way I look, but I can survive and maintain it for a little bit. I shot back up to 114.5 because I've been eating whatever the fuck I want. It's almost entirely due to whatever's going on in my body right now. I have no idea what it is. I know the anxiety is part of it, but there's other stuff as well. My allergies (I guess that's what it is) have been bothering me a lot lately, and I'm beginning to suspect I might have asthma. I woke up this morning and it was so unbelieveably hard for me to breathe. I tried to relax and calm down, because I was sure it was just the anxiety. I should note that I get the panic attacks even when I'm completely relaxed and not worried about a thing. That's a big reason why it makes me think there's something else going on there as well. But eventually I could breathe a little better. I chose to stay in the hotel room while my dad went to the beach, one because I had enough of the beach yesterday. And two because I felt such like shit. A little while ago I was just sitting here watching TV and all of a sudden I noticed that my chest was tightening up and I couldn't get a decent breath. I'm almost used to not being able to fill my lungs, but this was worse. Tried to avoid taking the Xanax because I only had ten left (nine now) but I was terrified of my throat locking up or having a seizure or something crazy like that. Yeah, the anxiety doesn't help. So I took one and paced around the suite for about ten minutes, because it helps a tiny bit when I walk. I don't know why. I'm feeling better now, I guess. Still can't get a full breath but I have a feeling that won't happen until I can go home and see a doctor and get tested for asthma or whatever they do. This fucking sucks.

Oh, something I forgot to mention last time. I told my friend about my ednos and showed him this blog. We've been friends for a long time and he's always been the only person I can literally tell ANYTHING to. We used to be best friends but we haven't really talked in a while. We're both a bit messed up but I love him to death. He accepts me completely. I don't think anyone else could like that. I don't know if he'll ever look at this again, but if you're reading I just want to thank you again. For accepting me exactly how I am and being one of the best friends I've ever had (when we actually talk, haha). I love you, dude.

But yeah. I'm eating as normally as I can and getting some exercise in (fitness room and frolicing in the ocean and whatnot) but my main priority is getting through the rest of the week without having to pay a visit to the emergency room. I'll update as often as I can to let you guys know I haven't died yet.

Eedee.

forty-five.

So much to tell you guys. I don't even know where to begin.

I'm currently in Pompano Beach, Florida. It's gorgeously warm and I can't wait for tomorrow so we can go to the beach or something. The drive was horrible though. It started Thursday night when I was going to my dad's house. I was completely fine, when all of a sudden my body went insane. My chest got so tight I couldn't breathe, my entire body went numb and tingly, and I could barely move my limbs. I swear to god I thought I was having a heart attack. So I pulled over and called 911 and they brought me to the hospital. I was okay by that point but terrified it would happen again, so I didn't want to risk driving. I've had panic attacks before, but nowhere NEAR as bad as that. I literally had no control over my body. I thought I was actually going to die. That I would pass out before I could tell the 911 dispatcher where I was and I'd die on the side of the road. It was the single worst experience I can remember having. Thank god I had some Xanax. It honestly probaby saved my life. I know I'm prone to exaggeration, but this is different.

Since then, I've had an attack every day. I recognized how the beginning of it feels and I take one Xanax and just take deep, even breaths until it subsides. It's usually completely gone after an hour. But it's terrible. I need this psych appointment to come so they can give me something. I can't keep taking Xanax every day. It's highly addictive and I only have about 13 left anyway. But my god. I hate living like this. I'm hoping a relaxing week down here will help at least a little bit.

As far as food is concerned, I've been eating. A lot. Because my mom, dad, doctors, and myself agree that the first horrible attack was probably brought on by my lack of eating. I love being thinner, and I know I'm going to freak if (probably when) I start gaining weight, but it's not worth my health. I'm going to eat normally until I get home and see how it impacts how I feel. Then I'll get the anti-anxiety medication and see where we go from there. There's a fitness room here just as I hoped, so I'm making it a point to spend as much time as possible in it to make up for all the calories I'm going to be consuming. I'm not downing entire tubs of ice cream and pizzas and stuff, but I'm eating all the same. My dad has these "weight loss" shakes that he drinks every day and he's letting me have a few of them. They're 320 calories each (oh my GOD) but they're full of vitamins and I feel like that's what I need right now. I've been eating fruit, and mainly grilled chicken dishes whenever we go to restaurants. Always off the low-cal or "heart healthy" part of the menu if possible. I feel full almost constantly but I'd rather gain five pounds that I can work off later (in a healthier way) than have a terrible panic attack every day that leaves me unable to move or breathe.

I just want to remind everyone to be careful. Thin is the goal, and it's worth almost anything. But it isn't worth your health. It isn't worth cutting years off your life and leaving yourself with heart problems or something else for the rest of your life. Just be careful, beauties.

Eedee.

forty-four.

I'm 111.5 today, but I expected that. Last night I had a garlic breadstick, three mozzerella sticks, and three small brownies that my mom made. At the least, I reached 1000. I don't know how many calories were in any of it. But that's fine. I feel marginally better today and ready to go again. All I've had is 400cals worth of cereal and milk, and that's what it's staying at. Period.

Tomorrow I go to my dad's house in PA, then we leave for Florida at 4AM. Yay! The only thing is, he said we'll go get dinner after I get there. Ugh. No possible way I want that. I either have to go early to beat rush hour traffic (and go to dinner) or I can leave later and miss the traffic. And, conveniently, dinner. If I do go, the ONLY thing I am allowed is a small salad. No dressing. I will not consume anything until that dinner. If I'm not hungry enough to eat it without dressing (I don't really like lettuce) then I'm not hungry enough for food. If I go later and don't go to dinner, I'm allowed two 80cal yogurts. So I'm safe either way. All that I'll have to eat in the car is fruit. I'm hoping to be 110 by the time I wake up in FL. Because we won't get there until around 11PM or later and I know I won't want to unpack my scale when I'm that tired. So by Saturday morning I'm aiming for 110. Hopefully it won't be a problem :)

I'm going to hang out with a friend I haven't seen since October later tonight. Whenever we hang out we usually spend a few hours walking around town and talking. I'm counting on this to get some cardio in and work off whatever's left of yesterday's grossness and today's cereal. I got used to feeling so empty that my body was almost like one big cramp. Like, everything squeezed together because there was no fat to smush it apart. Now I feel almost normal. I'm thankful, since I was worried about the damage I was doing to myself. But now I just want everything out of me and to get back on track. I can still grab handfuls of fat all over my body, and it disgusts me.

BF's coming back into the room now, and he likes glancing atmy computer so I'm off for now. Stay strong :)

Eedee.

forty-three.

First off, I was really touched by how concerned you guys were for me. I'm always had a bit of vertigo or whatever it is whenever I stand up too fast, so the tunnel vision and near-fainting isn't as bad as it may seem. Like I said, I'm prone to overreation. And to Jenn (do you not have a profile?), if your intent was to scare the living shit out of me, you certainly succeeded. Thanks for the info. I'm definitely going to up my calories a bit to try and be a little healthier.

So today I've ate more than usual to try and get my body to feel a little bit better. Here's what it looks like so far: (edited at 6:20PM)

Banana (3) - 321
Steak - 200
Clementine - 25
Skinny Cow ice cream bar - 80

Total so far: 626

It was a super small piece of steak, but I'm rounding up a bit to be safe. And I was searching online and found that bananas are 107cals for a medium size. Seems more reasonable than the 134 per cup I read in that book, so I'm going to go with that. And the clementine was literally only a tiny bit bigger than a big cherry. Smallest one I've ever seen, and I gave two sections to BF. I'm going to try to just eat a Lean Pocket later tonight so the total is around 750ish. Not as low as I'd like it, but Jenn really freaked me out. So I'm playing it kinda safer today. I took two laxies about half an hour ago anyway. Because honestly, I can't have all this crap just sitting in my stomach. I'll eat it to get the calories and nutrients and shit, but I want it gone by tomorrow. I know it's like cheating and probably offsets the effort I'm making to eat a bit more, but I don't care. I'm not ready to have that much sitting in my gut just yet.

So, I went bathing suit shopping today. I needed two suits and two pairs of shorts that actually fit. Left the mall with two bathing suits, three pairs of shorts, two pairs of pants, and two pairs of boots. Oh, and I'M A SIZE FUCKING FIVE! If it runs small, I need the 7 but for the most part I'm a size 5. Oh my god, dude! I'd forgotten what tight pants actually feel like after wearing my way-too-big size 9 "skinny" jeans for so long, haha. So that made my day. My month, actually. And I needed a small in the bathing suit bottoms. Partially because I have no butt but still! I can't remember the last time I coult fit into a small anything on bottom. Oh, I can't believe I didn't mention this earlier! But I forgot till now and can't find a logical place to put it in. I weighed 110.5 this morning! Even with the Lean Pocket I had three and a half hours or so before bed. I haven't been this light since I ran track in high school. Pretty soon I'll be a thin as I was in middle school, haha. Not to worry though. I think I'll know when to stop. Honestly, I just want the rest of the fat gone and for my muscles to develop a little bit. Then I can just maintain. I don't plan on weighing 80 pounds or anything. Just for clarification.

Oh, and my mom told me something that made me super happy earlier. I asked how much my sister weighs, since she's always been thinner than me (I attribute it to her being born premature and everything). She said she was 112-113 last time she knew. That means I am officially the skinniest person in my family! Ahh you guys don't even know how happy that made me.

Hope everyone's having a great day :D

Eedee.

forty-two.

I'm seriously so weak today. I've been floating through the day and keep nearly passing out, and my chest hurts something awful. So I ate a Lean Pocket. It'll fill me up a bit and give me some nutrients and shit so I don't like, die or something. I know it's not that serious but I'm prone to overreaction, especially when it comes to my health. I always think I'm going to die.

Here's what today looked like:

Dannon Light & Fit yogurt - 80
Hard-boiled egg white - 16
Lean Pocket (supreme pizza) - 220

Total: 316

Still a respectable number. That's all I'm going to have tonight. The Lean Pocket should definitely hold me until bed. Worst comes to worst, a 35cal clementine. I don't forsee an issue though. Hanging out with my BF, watching movies and such for about three more hours, then home for bed. And when I wake up tomorrow I get to start packing a few things for Florida. Then my mom and I are going to buy a few things I need, like sunscreen and shorts (!) and bathing suits (!!!). I'm excited and nervous all at once.

I figured out that my BMR is 1730. So I burn at least that many calories every single day. That means I've had a deficit every day for...I don't even know how long. A long time. Even when I had that eclair binge I was only at 1535 or something. That made me happy. Oh, and my boyfriend showed me how he can nearly wrap both his hands around his entire waist. He can wear a double 0 in girls jeans. Sonofabitch. He is my thinspiration every single day. Meanwhile, I'm stuck at a size 7 and my hands barely make their way around my hipbones. I am still so HUGE. Ugh.

Hope everyone had a fantastic day!

Eedee.

forty-one.

Before I say anything, I HAVE to thank ominous loss for all of her love and support. She's seriously my biggest supporter and I don't know what I'd do without her. You make my day more often than you'd believe, bebe. I know we can do this together :D

So, I'm 111 today! Ahhhhh I can't even express to you guys how happy I am. This week had seriously been one of the best of my life. In the past nine days, I've lost nine pounds. That's just...wow! Aiming to be anywhere below 110 for vacation. No solid goal, just below 110. Then I'm well ahead of my goals and I can even afford to cheat a little. Honestly, I've already decided to cheat a bit when I'm down there. My dad LOVES Italian food so I'm sure there'll be a lot of that. And I'm going to let myself enjoy a tiny bit of it. Smallest portions imaginable, hopefully. I'm also hoping to try a lot more veggies and shrimp and fish, since I don't eat those things now but I want to. I figure what better time to try :)

Yesterday, after I got to BF's house at 9PM, I had a Skinny Cow ice cream bar. 80cals, nothing big. And obviously didn't ruin me because my weight was down a pound since yesterday. I just seriously needed something. It's weird. I never thought I'd get to a point where I just wasn't hungry. Well...that's not entirely true. I'm still hungry, but it doesn't seem to matter so much. I don't know how to explain it. When I eat, it isn't because I'm hungry or something looks or smells yummy. It's because my body feels so bad and weak that I think I might die if I don't eat something right then. I've been super paranoid lately. I always am, but more so the past week. I have no choice but to believe it has some connection with the insane restriction, since it's only been since I've started that. I keep seeing little flashes of things out of the corner of my eye. I'm sure horror movies don't help, haha. They always scare me, no matter how stupid. But yeah. My chest is so tight and it cramps sometimes and I think I'm going to have a heart attack. I've heard in passing about restriction indiced heart attacks. Is there any truth to that? It's really been freaking me out. Haha, you guys probably think I'm crazier than usual now. I just need to be on anti-anxiety medication, I think. Then most of these thoughts will go away and I can pass for somewhat normal.

Sorry for jumping around a lot, my mind is racing with what I want to say to you guys. And if I don't do it fast and completely randomly, I'll forget because I have a TERRIBLE memory and most of the time my thoughts slip out before I can get them down. I've noticed that most of my day lately is spent thinking up things I want to write in here. Like I have an internal monologue constantly going, like JD from Scrubs only much more disordered. I tell myself not to forget, that I want to share it with you guys and remember it for myself later. I hardly ever do.

So today's menu. Dannon Light N Fit yogurt (80), two clementines (70), and two hard-boiled egg whites (32). That's 182cals for the day. I might cheat and have another Skinny Cow if I feel as terrible as yesterday. Even then, I'd only be at 272. Perfectly acceptable. I'm aiming for that. Yesterday my mom's boyfriend told me he wanted to get pizza Tuesday night (tomorrow) because they have a good deal. At first I was like SHIT. Because I love the pizza from the place he was talking about. Then I was like, wait. I've been beyond amazing lately. I'm four pounds below the goal I wanted to reach by vacation. There's no reason I can't have a little treat. I'm scared of how the grease might affect my system though, seeing as I haven't had any (or hardly anything else) in a while. So I decided I'm going to have ONE piece. Because I feel I deserve it after how good I've been lately. I probably won't lose due to it, and my stomach won't get any smaller, but I think it's worth it. Just one. I wish I could lax the next day, but I'm seeing a friend for the first time in four months. And Wednesday is the first day I'll be completely done with my period, and I plan on raping my boyfriend ;) And the next day I have to go to my dad's house, which is an hour and change drive. Then the next morning at like 2AM we start the drive for FL. So no laxing possible. I was debating doing it today, but I'm not sure how it'd make me feel, being as I'm already so achey and weak. I'll let it be for right now. Decisions later.

Let's start the week right today, beauties. Stay strong!

Eedee.

EDIT: My boyfriend and his grandmother decided to go out for Chinese today. Dude. No way in HELL I can eat that. I told BF as much. So they went without me, leaving me alone in their house to spend half an hour eating a six ounce cup of yogurt. I feel accomplished. I LOVE Chinese food. So this was big. Oh, and the only reason I had the yogurt already (even though it's already 2:30PM, wow) was because I got up to go to the bathroom and the back of my head was swimming and my entire body was tingly. I definitely think I almost passed out. I get insane tunnel vision every time I stand up, but this was something else. Scary, dude. Maybe I'll have an egg too, just to be safe.

forty.

Last post today, I promise!

So I've been dancing so much today. Probably about an hour and a half total. I hardly ever dance period, so that's crazy for me. Hopefully it did something with my insides. Abs would be nice, haha. So here's what I've consumed today:

Fiber One bar x2 - 280
Hard-boiled egg white - 16

Total: 296

I had another Fiber One bar because my vision went almost completely black a couple of times, and this shortness of breath has really been freaking me out all day. I'm a MAJOR hypochondriac so this is a big issue. Still, under 300 is fine. I've been going up 100cals a day for the past three days without even realizing it. That amuses me. I told myself I could have a half cup of tuna fish with celery that my mom has in the fridge today, but having that extra FO bar knocked that out. Maybe tomorrow..

So, the past few days I've been obsessed with stepping on the scale various times throughout the day. Just for curiousity's sake. And earlier, in just undies, the scale told me 111. Obviously I won't believe it until tomorrow morning but really, how insane would that be?! After eating (everything but the egg white) and drinking a little more than a liter of water. And most of the dancing occured after that and I'll have a full night's sleep and...I'm getting ahead of myself. Breathe, Eedee. I'm just so excited at the prospect of only being a pound away from 110 tomorrow. I was hoping to make 110 my goal before I go away, but I might even get beyond that! Dear god. There is a seriously real possibility that I could reach my goal of 100 well before June, which is when I ideally wanted to be that small by. Obviously I'm going to go up in numbers a bit as my fat turns to muscle and stuff, but I am perfectly okay with that. I'll be hard and toned and PERFECT.

I'm way too excited for my own good right now. Watch, I'll get to another scale and it'll tell me I'm still 130. Oh my god, how cruel would that be! Yikes. Well, my BF is almost home from PA so I'm going to go get ready and go have myself a cuddle :)

Stay strong, bebes!

Eedee.

thirty-nine.

Do you guys get annoyed when I post two or three times a day? I hope not. I just feel the need to keep a super detailed account of what's going on. For you guys as well as myself. Hope I'm not clogging up your boxes too much :/

So far today I've had a 140cal Fiber One bar. I felt I needed something with substance, not just fruit. My chest was feeling really tight and I've been having a slightly hard time breathing for the past couple of days. So I felt some noms were in order. It definitely helped, but that was a few hours ago so..yeah. Maybe some hard-boiled eggs or clementines later. Sounds like a plan.

Oh my god, my house smells like bacon. My mom was making some a little while ago and she asked me to turn it and make sure it came out just right. And I loooove bacon. But the dominant part of me didn't even want it! I was shocked. Being thin is so totally worth skipping some greasy, fatty bacon that would probably upset my stomach anyway. Oh, and my dad just called and asked what I wanted in the car for the drive to Florida. I'm like "Uh, I dunno. Maybe an apple or peach or nectarine or something. Fruit, really." And he was like uh..okay. Waiting for me to say more or add in some delicious junk food that would surely love to attach itself to my midsection and hips. But I just said that and water. He's all asking if I don't want salted nuts or soda or something. And I'm like dude, I haven't liked soda since I was a toddler. And I can just imagine how much salty nuts would bloat me up. Yeah, that's EXACTLY what I want before slipping into a bikini for a week. Not.

Completely random sidenote: I'm watching a repeat of the Kids Choice Awards on Nickelodeon and Justin Bieber is performing right now. And I'm surprised. You can tell he's actually singing, and it doesn't sound half bad. Do your thing, fifteen-year-old pop superstar.

As far as exercise, I got the bike down and rode around my block once (which was harder than I would like to admit) before it started to rain. It's way too damn cold right now too, so I gave up on that pretty fast. I've been doing leg lifts, stretches, and dancing like a FOOL all day as well. I'm sure I've burned off the 140cals from earlier. All in all, I'm feeling pretty good today! BF won't be home for a while, so until then I'm going to chill out in my room. And continue my random dancing every now and then to get my heart rate up :)

Hope everyone's weekend is going as good as mine!

Eedee.

thirty-eight.

I can't remember the last time I was so happy. Weighed naked a little bit ago and the scale blinked up at me: 112.

Oh.My.God. I guess the scale was right yesterday. I must have lost a whooole bunch of water weight, as well as some period bloat. I am so freaking ecstatic right now. Seriously?! I've lost like, eight pounds in a week. A WEEK! I am goddamn Superwoman, dude. I can see it too. My stomach almost doesn't bulge out at all. Still have a way to go until I'm confident in my body, but wow. This definitely boosted me up a whole lot. I weigh less than I did my sophomore year of high school! And my BMI is officially under the 20 mark! 19.2, baby! :D

I'm actually looking forward to going to buy a bathing suit and shorts for vacation. How's that for amazing? Because I actually think I might look halfway decent. But just halfway ;)

I asked my mom's boyfriend to get my bike down in the garage. He's going to walk the dog, then we're going to get my car from the shop, THEN I guess he'll do it. Rawr. Hopefully it'll have warmed up a bit by then, the sun being up for a while and all that. I haven't been outside but I assume it's as cold as yesterday. No bueno. BF comes home from PA today, but I don't know what time. Hopefully not until after noon so I have some time for biking. That would honestly just make my day that much better.

I'm on top of the world today, beauties!

Eedee.

thirty-seven.

I love watching movies about obesity. I get some kind of perverse pleasure out of it. Honestly, I love documentaries period. Especially ones that deal with why we as humans do what we do.

Side note: I didn't realize how many calories are in bananas. 134 for a cup?! Are you SERIOUS?! Someone please tell me this is some cruel jape manufactured by the bastards who wrote The Calorie Counter For Dummies. Seriously? I thought I was doing awesome today, until I saw that. Sigh.

I've never recorded my calories and what I've eaten on here before, so let's see how it goes.

Banana - 134 (cruel universe!)
Clementine - 35
Hard-boiled egg white - 16

Total: 185

And to think, if I had just grabbed a clementine instead of that banana, I would be at 86 right now. Sigh.

thirty-six.

My scale is a lying son of a bitch. It's really pissing me off. Today I woke up and it said I weighed 113 pounds. NO. FUCKING. WAY. I did NOT lose three and a half pounds since yesterday morning. It's not even possible. I've been checking back regularly throughout the day and it still says the same thing. I made my mom step on it and she said it was accurate for her. But it has to be something with me. Because it is not physically possible that I lost that much in that short amount of time. Ugh. I HATE my scale! It's not even that it gets my hopes up. Because I know it can't be right. Otherwise it's been giving me bogus numbers all week and just now decided to randomly be accurate. It's the freaking demon scale from hell, dude! So I refuse to believe this and we'll just have to see what it says tomorrow. That's what I'm basing it on. Tomorrow.

It's a little after 4PM and I've had a banana. I would love beyond belief to believe the devil scale, but I don't. So I'm treating today like I didn't lose anything since yesterday. That way I'm safe in case I actually haven't lost anything. And if the scale is actually correct (which would mean I mutated into some insane fat-burning machine when I was asleep) I'm ahead of the game and today can only help. I've been doing sets of 10 leg lifts throughout the day. I was hoping to go on an intense bike ride (since I can't run) but all the bikes are hanging from the roof in the garage and I can't get them down. Besides that, it was fucking FREEZING this morning when I wanted to go. So I did some housework, danced up a storm for about fifteen minutes before my shower, and stretched and stuff. Not nearly enough, but I'm tired and weak and kind of achey and nauseous. I can suck in all my gross fat and see more defined ribs though, so that's good :)

All I'm allowing myself for the rest of the day is two clementines. I'd love to try one of the Fiber One bars my mom has in the kitchen, but I'm hesitant to have too much fat after restricting so hard for the past two days (and fasting the day before that). I kind of slipped yesterday with the ice cream but I'm determined not to do that again. Don't want my body storing all kinds of jiggley fats for later!

Stay strong, beauties. You'll rock those bikinis before you know it ;)

Eedee.

EDIT: And now my scale decides to tell me 114.5, AFTER I went to the bathroom. I'm wearing jeans now though so maybe it's them? Or maybe my scale's actually recalibrated or something and that's what I actually am? Argh, this is so frustrating! I do look better today, though. My gross fat stomach sticks out much less. I'm hoping it's 114.5. Two pounds I MIGHT be able to believe. Like I said before, tomorrow morning shall decide :)

thirty-five.

So, I caved and had not one, but two Skinny Cow ice pops. Only 80 cals each so it's not TOO bad, but still. I wanted to just get by on the apple. Rawr. About 200 cals for today. BF is going to PA tomorrow for some work so I'm going to try to get some exercise in. Running is awkward due to the femme issues, but maybe some crunches, rope jumping, leg lifts, and various stretches and such to prepare. The two days before I leave I'm going to be running up a storm. I'm meeting a friend for the first time in FL so I want to look as good as possible :)

Hope everyone's doing fantastic!

Eedee.

thirty-four.

A bit of advice: avoid fasting while on your period if possible. Holy crap, dude. I feel so much weaker and my head has been killing me since I woke up yesterday. It is testicles.

So, I'm 116.5 today! Yay! I was honestly shocked how easy it was to fast yesterday. Having something big like a vacation you want to look good for really gives you that extra bit of willpower you need. I loved it. I fasted for 40 hours total. I had an apple about an hour ago. That, and seriously the tiniest bite of cake you can ever imagine. It was so small it barely fit on two tines of the fork. I crushed it to the roof of my mouth and it was gone. So that's okay. And that's all I'll be having today. If I wasn't bleeding I think I could have just fasted until tomorrow and made it a solid 60 hours, but I just feel such like crap. I'm hoping to see 116 tomorrow. That'll be the lowest I've been so far in my journey. If I reach 115 before vacation, all the better. The place we're going to is a timeshare and my mom thinks it'll have a fitness room, so that makes me happy. I can wake up early every day and get in some exercise before we spend the whole day doing other exercise-y things :D

My goal is to be 113 when I get home on April 11th. Or, if I get below 115 before I leave (oh my god, how amazing would that be?!), two pounds less than what I was when I left. We're going to be walking all over the place and swimming and having good outdoor-type fun so this should be no issue whatsoever. ESPECIALLY if they have a fitness room.

I told my mom I was taking the scale with me to Florida. You guys, I seriously wish you all could have seen her face. She looked at me like I had completely lost my mind and was like "What?!" Because I am completely unwilling to go down and just hope I'm staying on track. I don't trust myself that much. Everyone knows I'm trying to lose more weight and tone up and stuff, so it doesn't sound as bad as it would if I was trying to hide it.

Oh man, only six more days and I'll be gone! It's been so freaking cold and rainy here lately, so I'm looking forward to this even more. Ahh too excited!

Eedee.

thirty-three.

I'm still 118 today. And I count myself lucky. I completely lost my mind last night. In addition to the three bowls of cereal I had early, I had a Lean Pocket (as predicted), a Skinny Cow ice cream bar, and two pieces of fucking cold pizza. Little pieces, since it was from a small frozen pizza. But ugh. I was sure I would have gained. Today I absolutely mean NO FOOD. I have been giving myself way too much wiggle room lately. And I mean the wiggle part literally. Or perhaps jiggle room would be more appropriate, since that's what my entire body does whenever I move. Disgusting.

Oh, and my boyfriend discovered that mustard on cold pizza is delish. To him. It personally disgusts me.

I want to be 115 by the end of the month. That is my goal. It should be no problem, since I was only a pound and a half away when I started eating everything in existence. I have a week to lose three pounds. Oh wait. Shit. I just realized that I'll stop bleeding on the 30th. Fuck. That won't work since I'll be carrying bloat weight. Argh. Well I'm going to shoot for it anyway. By April 2nd, I will absolutely be 115. Watch me.

Eedee.

EDIT - OH. MY GOD. My dad just called me and asked if I wanted to go to Florida for a week. April 2nd until the 10th. I don't think it's any coincidence that I decided not one hour ago to be 115 by the date we leave. The universe is rewarding me for my resolve and determination. I've wanted to go to Florida ever since I got back last summer. This is so awesome! I HAVE to look good for the beach. Oh man. And I get to go shopping because I don't even own bathing suits that fit. Or shorts for that matter. Oh my god, I am so excited!

thirty-two.

First off, I would like to say thank you to all my followers and the people who've been supporting me for the past few months I've been on here. I feel like you guys believe I can do this, even when I've lost all faith in myself. You mean more to me than you know :D

I'm 118 today. I'm sure some of it is from the awful bingefest yesterday, but I'm attributing a little bit of it to period bloat as well. Because it makes me feel better. I had three bowls of Special K this morning at like 11AM. I have to stop getting it. I love it to death, but I always eat way too much of it when I have it. In two days I ate the entire box. By myself. That is unacceptable. I suppose the good news is it's gone and I can't have any more even if I wanted it. It's been 8 hours since I had it and I'm not the least bit hungry. My mind is trying to convince me I want to eat something, but the only reason is I want to eat something yummy. And that's no reason to stuff my fat face with noms.

I've been trying to think of some way to regulate how I eat. Like, more than usual. And I think what I'm going to go with is the Rule of One. Anything I eat, I can only have one of. One bowl of cereal, one Lean Pocket, one scoop of frozen yogurt. Because I'm weak and gross and know I'll eat shit even when I don't want it and will hate myself later. One piece of pizza, one cookie, ONE FUCKING FROZEN ECLAIR. Fruits and veggies are exempt from this rule. As are eggs, but not toast. Toast can be evil. Obviously, I'm going to try to eat as little of this garbage as possible, but I realize I'm a weak, fat pig and will eat whatever my stupid mind tells me anyway. Ugh, even as I form it up in my mind I know I'm going to fail. My brain is so negative. My entire world is negative.

And now I'm fucking hungry. I wasn't before, but thinking of all this crap makes me want a damn Lean Pocket. I'll probably eat one whenever BF decides to make food for himself. I am so weak. I'm going to try and get some kind of fat blocker and/or metabolism booster once I get some money. Hopefully that's soon. God knows I need it. And BF and I might split the cost of a gym membership. Apparently you can get one for two people for a deal. Definitely interested.

Hope everyone's doing wonderfully. AKA better than me. Good luck, beauties.

Eedee.

thirty-one.

Down to 117 today :D

Well, I was. I don't know what it is. I'm desperate to get down where I want to be, but the other part of me just doesn't care. I'm just like, whatever. This won't do any real damage to my loss. Might as well eat it. Besides, I want it. But that's not good! Ugh. I'm trying to eat whatever I'm going to have in a day earlier so I have more time to burn it off during the day. I feel like that's why I lost a pound and a half since yesterday even though I ate a bit of steak and ice cream (even though the ice cream was only 80cals). Oh, and I ate an apple last night instead of more ice cream. So that made me a bit happier.

Today I've had too much. I had five (FUCKING FIVE!) bowls of Special K, another ice cream bar, and three crackers with Laughing Cow cheese. I'm going to round up and say 800cals for all the cereal (ohmyfuckinggod), 80 for the ice cream, and 95 for the crackers and cheese. So right now I'm at 975cals for the day. Oh my fucking lord. Almost 1000 calories and all I've had is cereal, ice cream, and crackers. No wonder I'm so damn unhealthy. Tomorrow is no food. Nearly 1000 calories in one day is unacceptable. I've realized once again how much fat I still have to lose. Every piece of me jiggles. I'm soft and mushy and fucking disgusting. I start bleeding tomorrow so I'm sure to bloat and feel even worse about myself anyway. Rawr. I wish laxatives could be taken every other day without all the risks. I'm making myself wait until after my period is over to take more. Like I need laxie pain on top of cramps.

So yeah. Two more pounds until my first goal of 115! I can't wait. Today probably put me back a little bit but hopefully tomorrow will make up for it. BF and I love these frozen mini chocolate eclairs, but they're absolutely terrible for you. So I'm making myself wait and we'll have them to celebrate my reaching my goal. And that'll be all I consume that day (maybe a piece of fruit or veggie to be a bit healthy) since it's redic caloric. Oh man, just two more pounds :D

Eedee.

EDIT: Oh. My. God. I hate myself so much right now. BF just brought the box of eclairs in the room. The reward for me reaching 115. And we ate them. Arrrrrgh! His grandmother had five and there are 30 in the box so I figure I had about..12 or so. That's another 560 calories for today. That is a grand total of 1535 calories for the day. None of which was anything particularly healthy. I'm taking back what I said before. Laxies tomorrow, in addition to NO FUCKING FOOD! God, I just got back to 117 and I'm fucking ruining it already. I fucking hate myself. I'm so WEAK.

thirty-point-five.

Not a real entry, I just wanted to say that I love
sophie. That links to her blog, btw. I'm feeling extremely unloved by my BF right now (his friend has been here since I got here and they've been playing games and watching videos and I've been virtually ignored) and her comment made me smile a lot. Thank you for making my day a little better :)

Eedee.

thirty.

Back to 118.5. Still huge but better than 120, I suppose. Took 4 laxies yesterday so that helped. I'm afraid I'm starting to rely on them. Like, I know I can pop a couple when I eat too much and it'll clean it out before it can stick to me. I'm kind of bothered by it, but at the same time I depend on it. I would have lost more if I didn't fucking eat so much yesterday. I honestly forget what I had earlier in the day (a first. I never forget a thing that goes into my mouth) but I ended it with way too much spaghetti and meat sauce last night. It was delish, but so not worth it. Ugh.

Today I had a small steak eaten cold before I went to the doctor. And I just had a Skinny Cow ice cream bar at 80cals. So I'm going to say between 380 and 400cals today. Because I don't know what cut or exactly how much steak there was. Or what kind of beef it was. Ugh. Leftovers will be the death of me. 400 isn't bad. I might have another ice cream bar later. I'm freaking starving.

In other news, I started therapy today. I'm glad to finally get that ball rolling. I'm seeing a psychiatrist in about two weeks to get a script for whatever they want me to take. The therapist said she wants to put me on antidepressants, which was completely expected. She questioned me about my weight loss, since I had to fill out forms with that shiz on it. I'm still fat enough that no one thinks there's anything wrong with me dieting. I disgust myself. Next time she wants to work on my negative thinking and self-image. Oh boy.

How's everyone else doing?

Eedee.

twenty-nine.

I am disgusting. I'm back to 120, and I deserve every ounce. Five bowls of cereal, a Lean Cuisine chicken-ranch flatbread sandwich, a few cups of banana spilt flavored frozen yogurt, and six or seven White Castle cheeseburgers. I am a huge disgusting whale and I deserve to feel as gross as I do today. I am eating NOTHING today. If I can't manage to consume nothing after that disgusting display yesterday, I deserve to be fat.

On a better note, I paid 2/3 of my cell phone bill (so now they won't turn it off) and the guy at the store complimented my outfit. It made me happy :)

BF and I are walking to the mall again later, then we'll walk to his friend's house to hang out later. So I'll burn a bit and put nothing new in. I wish I could lax but that's not possible with stuff going on. Maybe tomorrow if nothing happens today. White Castle usually makes it way through me faster than this, so I'm pretty upset. I feel all bloated and gross. Feels like I'm back to 150. Ugh.

It's over 70 degrees outside and there's not a cloud in the sky. Get outside and enjoy the day, beauties!

Eedee.

twenty-eight.

I'm down two pounds, back to 118 :)

I was seriously hoping for a two pound loss so this makes me happy. I haven't had anything since about 4PM yesterday (I'm terrible at keeping time) and I'm hoping to continue to have nothing for the rest of the day. If I'm particularly weak, there's some 80cal yogurt in the fridge. But I'm trying to avoid that. BF is taking a shower, then we're off to take a walk to the mall. It's about three miles away, so that's about seven miles of walking after you count the time we'll spend in the actual mall. I'm excited. It's gorgeous outside and we've been wanting to walk for a while :D

On a different note, I'd like to complain about my stupid body (as if that's anything new). How in the world is it possible that, at 5'4" and 118lbs, I am STILL between a 7 and 9 in pants?! I've read about people at my size that are wearing anything from zeroes to threes! And I'm still this gigantic whale with huge ass jeans? It's just insane. I don't understand it at all. The only thing I've been able to think of is that my body is just burning all my muscle and I am literally 90% fat. There is no other explanation. It's driving me crazy.

Eedee.

twenty-seven.

I'm sorry for disappearing on everyone like I did. I've been going through a lot of shit lately. Not the least of which has been freaking ballooning back up to 120 pounds. I've been stuffing my face like it's going out of style. Even today, which I told myself would be my return to restriction, I ate a can of Chef Boyardee, three mini dessert cakes with strawberries and whipped cream, and BF and I split a half pound of American cheese. My eating habits are just redic. I took two laxies but they haven't done much yet. Hopefully I'll clean out before bed and then that'll be that. I'd like to take more tomorrow but I've been having issues with my stomach again lately. They never really go away but they've been worse lately. The doctors are pretty sure I have Crohn's disease. My mom has it so I'm predisposed and I'm of the right age for it. I have an appointment at the clinic on the 22nd and I'm going to get a referral for a gastroenterologist. Ugh. Then later that same day I finally have a psych appointment. We'll see how that goes.

Part of why I've been so M.I.A. lately is my mother. She has legit been driving me insane. We fight every time I go home and she gets on me for every single thing. Makes me feel even worse about myself and my life, which I don't need any help doing. Last night and today she's been telling me if I'm going to continue like I have been I need to find a new place to live. She gets child support from my father every month and she refuses to spend any of it on things I actually need. That was the last big fight we had and the reason she very well might actually kick me out. I don't know where I'd go. I don't have a job and literally only have a dollar in my wallet. And that's the change from when my friend paid for my gas the other day. Because my mom doesn't think she's responsible for that either. I hope this doesn't make me sound like a spoiled brat. Honestly, it couldn't be farther from the truth.

I'm not eating anything until tomorrow afternoon. Later if I can manage it. I've filled myself with so much garbage lately it shouldn't even matter. My stomach is literally tied in knots right now. Thank you, gods of laxatives. I hope you all forgive me for my absence. I missed you :)

Eedee.

twenty-six.

Despite consuming three pieces of Popeye's chicken, a side of mac and cheese, and a piece of bacon, I have once again woken up to 117 pounds. I mean, I'm glad I'm not gaining but it seems strange to me. Ah well. We didn't see Alice yesterday, so we're going in about two hours. Excited!

Haven't had anything to eat since about 5PM yesterday. I figure I'll have something small after the movie, which will be completing another 24 hour fast. Love these things, dude.


It's beautiful outside and I'm stuck inside watching boys play video games. I kind of hate it. Had another fight with my boyfriend and a huge one with my mom. I want to murder her. And I know I'm depressing BF so much. I hate myself even more for it. He deserves so much more than what I can give him. I'm so selfish. I won't let him go because I absolutely love him, and would probably fall to pieces without him. Honestly, I've been spending more time reconnecting with friends lately because I can feel him getting sick of me. I just know he's going to leave me soon, and I need a support system for when he's gone. Because it's going to kill me.


Enjoy another beautiful day, beautiful girls!


Eedee.

twenty-five.

So yesterday I said I was going to eat cereal until I died. Didn't quite get there, but I did have three bowls of Honey Nut Cheerios, then later a bowl of Kix and two bowls of Rice Krispies. Small bowls, but still much more than I've been consuming lately. Then last night I went to a party. There were about eight of us, and I hadn't seen anyone in sooo long. Oh, and there was a midget there. He was mad cool. My friend and I beasted at beer pong (played with Mike's Hard). I consumed..too many calories from liquids. I had three or four bottles of Mike's and about half a cup of Everclear mixed with Gatorade. So yesterday wasn't good calorie-wise, but I woke up this morning and I was still 117. So..worth it, I guess. And one of my friends commented on how I've lost weight :)

Today I'm going to see Alice In Wonderland in IMAX 3D! And then we're gonna watch the Oscars tonight. I love movies, so I'm super excited! Not worrying about calories and food too much today. This weekend is my cheat weekend. I'm not going to go crazy, but I'm going to let myself enjoy the rest of it :)

Now get off your computer and go outside, my beautiful East Coast skinnies. It's gorgeous!

Eedee.

twenty-four.

So I had what amounted to near complete emotional breakdown last night. I was doing amazingly well. Hadn't had a thing to eat since 2:30PM the day before and it was 9PM so I'd be sleeping in a few hours and wouldn't eat until 2:30 the next day, completing a full 48 hour fast. But no. I had to lose my mind and I ate about a cup and a half to two cups of tuna fish. It wasn't particularly mayo-saturated and I didn't have bread or anything, so it wasn't completely out of control. And better than the chips I almost grabbed before I regained my sense. I fasted for 31 hours (which I'm proud of) and actually emptied a good portion of my colon, yet the scale blinked up 117 pounds this morning. REALLY? I nearly passed out and felt sick all day and I didn't lose ANYTHING?! It's such bullshit. I don't care today. BF went to get milk and when he gets back I'm eating Honey Nut Cheerios until I die.

In other news, my dad told me he won't pay for even the first month of my gym membership. You guys don't even know how much I was counting on that. He said he would. But he said it's too expensive and he doesn't think I'd use it. I can't even believe it. He told me to find someplace that charges $20 a month. There are no places like that! I live in fucking New Jersey, nothing is cheap here! So now I'm fucked. Awesome.

I completely broke down to my boyfriend last night and told him how much I hate myself. One of the texts I sent him read: "I don't hate you. Do you really think I do? I fucking hate myself. I think you're going to flirt with everyone and leave me for someone better because it's what you fucking should do! Why do you put up with my shit? I don't do anything but make you fucking miserable. Can't you see I'm not worth this? God you're blind, thinking I hate you. I LOVE you. It's myself I can't stand." Because he told me to stop hating him and a bunch of other stuff. Rawr. I had a bad night. Sorry I'm not more inspiring.

Eedee.

twenty-three point five.

So I was checking my email and totally forgot I emailed this picture from my phone yesterday. Since I'm vain and narcissistic despite my body issues, I decided I wanted to show all of you a small portion of myself. Upon closer inspection, I feel like it looks like I have a hump. Like, mini-Quasimodo starting at the back of my neck. Ew. My posture sucks. Ah well. Judge accordingly, since I know I will.

EDIT (Since I can't justify a third post so close together :P): If anyone out there is having some..er..bowel issues and doesn't like/can't take laxatives, you should try stool softener. I was scared of taking too many laxies so close together, so I tried Phillips Stool Softener and it definitely works. You can take 1-3 pills a day (I take one) and it says it usually works between 12 and 72 hours. Definite recommendation. My stomach is so much smaller now, haha. Sorry for the nastiness, just thought it might be able to help someone else :)

Eedee.

twenty-three.

UGH! I typed up this huge long post and my computer fucking errored and lost it all! Piece of shit, dude...

So twenty-three is my lucky number. Has been since I was a kid. Just felt like throwing that out there. Oh, BF and I watched 2012 today. I'm terrified of the end of the world now. I want to learn how to fly a plane, fire a gun (for the zombie apocalypse!), and survive in the wild. I feel this is vital to my life. Speaking of BF, I read his text messages today. I have trust issues like whoa. I know it's bad and I'm a terrible girlfriend for doing it. But I'm just so pissed right now. He told his ex-girlfriend he wanted to cuddle with her and there was something about undressing but I didn't follow it. I'm just...wow. He really almost had me convinced I was special and he'd never felt like this about anyone else before. It sucks.

I gained half a pound and am now back to 117. It's because I caved and had two bowls of Special K Red Berries yesterday. About 500 calories, give or take. It disgusted me too much to count exactly. I hate myself for it. It still amazes me how caloric cereal is, by the way. It's insane. Whole milk is my weakness and my downfall. So today, I'm consuming nothing more than the two sliced kiwis I brought to BF's house.

Side rant: It's really irritating how there's no set calorie count for non-processed foods. The other day I looked up kiwis and it said they were 34 calories each. Now I have The Calorie Counter For Dummies and it says they're 56 each. Really now? I wish I had a food scale so I could measure exactly how much I'm eating. Because this is driving me insane.

I'm about an hour and a half away from completely another 24 hour fast, since I ate the devil cereal at 2:30PM yesterday. I like these. I'm going to keep doing them for sure, and I recommened them to people who may be having problems sticking to longer or stricter fasts right off. Even when I do eat I stick to 500 calories and under. It's been working for me quite well. Er, except when I fail. I might try to push this fast a little longer if I can. Just don't want to slip and eat something other than the fruit. That's my goal for today. Eat nothing but the kiwis. Or, at the very absolute most if I'm feeling weak, another piece of fruit. But that is ALL.

I hope everyone is getting off to a great start forthe weekend today! Let me know how you're doing!

Eedee.

twenty-two.

Down another half pound to 116.5 this morning! My scale tried to sabotage me though. First time I stepped on it, it said I was 114.5. Right away, I got pissed. Because there's obviously no way I can lose 2.5 pounds since I weighed myself after getting home at 11PM. Eight hours is not enough time for that much loss. So I petted my cat, brushed my teeth, and tried again. And got 116.5. Much more reasonable, and what I expected. I've been losing half a pound per day for the past three days. Definitely proud of myself after how rancid I was last week. A pound gone every two days is fine with me. Continuing at this pace, I will be down to the lowest weight I can actually remember in three days. I was 115 my sophomore year of high school, 2005. Five years ago. And I was dissatisfied with that because I'd gained weight after I quit running track. So obviously I was unhappy weighing that much. Proof I have to go lower.

So I've decided to keep going with this 'eating once every 24 hours' thing I've been doing. For the past three days I've eaten only between 6 and 7PM, just once. Because 5PM-9PM is the hardest time for me concerning wanting to eat. I'd like to eat something healthier than Lean Pockets, but it's really hard with being at my boyfriend's house all the time. I feel awkward whenever I ask him if I can keep food in his fridge or freezer. Like I'm forcing my way into his life. I wish I had a mini-fridge I could just stick in the corner of his room to keep shit in. That'd be bad too though. Easy access and all that.

I've been dying to try a spinach, tomato, bell pepper, and cheese omelette lately. I've never had spinach but I know it's amazingly good for you, same with bell peppers. I tried a bite of a green one raw once and it tasted bitter to me for some reason. But I've had tiny chunks of peppers and onions on supreme pizzas before and I liked it well enough. I'm trying to be healthier because I've just felt like shit lately. And I suspect it's due to a lack of nutrients. Rawr. I also feel like trying some quinoa (dying to try this, actually) and hard boiled eggs. And more fruit and raw veggies, really. Pretty much just want to be healthier. Because even when I do eat it's processed stuff like fucking Lean Pockets and cereal with the dreaded whole milk.

In other news, my boyfriend's friend is coming to visit this weekend. He's getting here tomorrow and he'll be going back home on Tuesday. He lives an hour and change away in Pennsylvania. I like him well enough and we all laugh and get along and have fun when he comes. The only thing is, we eat like SHIT. There's this great pizza place down the road that BF loves and his friend always buys a huuuuge pie and we all share. We've also been known to pick up craves cases from White Castle (30 burgers! oh my lord), redic amounts of fast food, and pretty much anything else you can think of that's horrible for your body, not to mention your diet. I like when he visits but I'm dreading it so bad. I've got some stuff to do tomorrow and Saturday though, so I'm hoping they'll do a lot of the horrid eating while I'm gone. Except Saturday one of my best friends is coming up from Florida for spring break (we went to high school together but she goes to college down there) and I've already agreed to drink with her and a bunch of other friends I haven't seen in months. Hello, empty calories! I get tipsy really fast though so it shouldn't be too bad. But argh. I know I'm going to eat some of that greasy pizza BF's friend is going to buy. It's so fucking delish. So today I'll have the other Lean Pocket (220cals) and only eat ONE piece of the devil pizza whatever day we get it. Tomorrow morning I'll beg my mom to go to the food store and we'll get some fresh fruits and veggies and I'll just have to suck it up and take some of his fridge space.

Down a pound and a half already this month, well on my way to my goal! How's everyone else doing so far?

Eedee.

twenty-one.

I wish they had The Biggest Loser for people who aren't morbidly obese. I've been thinking about wanting to go to some kind of bootcamp for a few weeks to get in amazing shape in no time flat. But I literally wish they had a BL fitness camp. That would be beyond insane.

As of half an hour ago, I have officially completed a 24 hour fast! I'm proud of myself, and rightfully so I feel. These are so hard for me. I feel like I need to trick my body into it by not saying I'm actually fasting and just waiting longer with full intention to eat. So my total is 220 for the day. Hopefully this will show on the scale tomorrow :)

Eedee.

twenty.

Down another half pound this morning to a solid 117 :D

And this despite being weak as a freaking child and eating four bowls of stupid cereal yesterday. Broken up into two different times but still. Definitely went over the 500 calories I've been subconciously wanting to maintain. But that's different today. If I MUST eat, I've got some Lean Pockets in my boyfriend's freezer. Supreme pizza ones too. Mmm they were the lowest calorie ones out of the five or so boxes in my freezer. Still 220 each (ugh!) but even if I fail beyond all recognition and eat both, that's still under 500. I'm aiming for only eating one though. I'm starving right now but trying to put off eating until at least 3PM. My boyfriend is taking a nap and I'm too nervous to try to make stuff in his kitchen anyway so this is helpful :)

My short term goal right now is to be down to 113 by the end of March. I've already lost a pound, so that'd be a five pound loss for this month. If I lose five a month, I'll be down to 103 (which is the high end of my UGW) by the beginning of May. Then I'll still have time to decide where I want to go from there before it gets super hot and tiny clothes are unavoidable. And gives me an entire month to lose the extra three pounds to meet my goal off 100lbs by June 1st. I like planning. Planning is good.

Hopefully I'll get to see my dad next week and he'll give me the money I need to start at the gym. I asked him to get me a year's membership for my birthday this year. It's 21, which is a big one, so I thought I could ask for a bigger gift. Only I asked him for it to start now so I could be in shape by the time summer and my actual birthday come around. He said he'd pay for the first month and then wants me to tell him how much I actually went to see if it's worth it. Because I have a long and sordid history of never finishing anything I've EVER started. I plan on going six days a week, for two hours or so at a time. Obviously to be edited once I start and see how much my body can even take. I'm so out of shape it's insane. But obviously I'm going to go and he'll see it's worth it. I was hoping to see him this week, or this weekend at the latest but we're expecting MORE FUCKING SNOW so he said next week would be a better bet. Hate winter.

Hope everyone is doing beautifully!

Eedee.

nineteen.

117.5! Finally broke down to a new low! I was so freaking happy when that number flashed up at me. Took my measurements and I lost an inch and a half from my waist and two inches from under my bust in the past month. It sucks because I can't see it, but it's reassuring to know it's gone :)

I would love to fast for good and all today but I know it won't happen. So I cut up two kiwis this morning before I left my house. Gonna eat a few slices in an hour (noon) then munch the rest through the day. So I'll be consuming fairly regularly and still only putting in 68 calories in all. If I can stick to this, I will be beyond happy. And I'll definitely lose that extra half pound and be down to a nice 117 tomorrow morning :D

My boyfriend has a greasy, cheesey personal pizza right next to me. It smells like heaven and hell combined. I'm stronger than dough and cheese and grease and fat. I can do this.

Eedee.

eighteen.

My fast lasted 21 hours. Not too bad considering how I've been eating lately. Had to cave and eat a small bowl of Rice Krispies and Honey Nut Cheerios. I couldn't decide which was better. They both seemed bad in large doses. So I mixed maybe half a cup of each and went with it. Actually stopped at one bowl. I'm proud of myself for that alone :D

Nearly a full day without food. Not perfect, but better than I have been lately. All in all, a good way to start the new month :)

Eedee.

seventeen.

It's a little after 5PM and I haven't had a thing to eat today. Only calories I've consumed period are 10 from a cough drop and maybe 30 from Benefiber. It's this powder you mix in your drink when you're not getting enough fiber. Which has been a major issue for me lately. So yeah. Let me say, Totally Light 2Go from 4C literally saves my life. Mix-ins for water with no calories, sugar, carbs, or anything. Pretty much pure vitamin C. I LOVE it. I've had it in fruit punch and lemonade flavors so far and they're both fantastic. You'd never guess it was water.

My boyfriend and I jacked some books from Barnes and Noble earlier (shush, jobless for two years) and I've been reading one for a few hours now. Two more of those Eat This, Not That books and a book on calorie counting that literally has EVERYTHING from tons of major restaurants. Condiments and everything. That made me happy. I feel like I don't want to eat anything but raw fruits and veggies for the rest of my life. Great personal thinspo. Finding out how much crap is actually in the things we eat. I love it.

I'd love to start the ABC once I have a little better handle on myself. I'm doing great today but I don't mistake that for control. Not one bit. I need to learn about healthier options before I can hope to succeed with a diet like that. Right now I'd fail miserably. I'm a picky eater already so that just makes it harder. Sigh.

In happier news my boy and I are going to hang out with a friend tomorrow, going to see Alice In Wonderland in IMAX 3D on Sunday, my period ends the day after tomorrow, and my ex (who I get along with and talk to every now and again) is playing a show with his band in Philly next month that I'm definitely trying to hit up. What am I saying, happier news? The fact that I'm actually having a successful fasting day so far is happy enough by itself! Wish me luck as I hope it continues :)

Eedee.

sixteen.

Wow, I'm bad with this blog. I don't know why that surprises me. I'm always bad with blogs.

I was down to 118 again today, but the scale kept flicking between that and 117.5. So I'm hoping I'll be down there tomorrow. That would be GREAT. I'm sick of being in the high teens. Bring on the low 100's already!

I've been having stomach problems galore lately. Nothing new. Emergency room twice with some Xanax to show for it. So that's good. It makes me happy :)

I tried on a pair of jeans my mom bought the other day. Size 7. Aaaand they fit me! I haven't lost a pants size in I can't even tell you how long. My legs have been losing weight but my hips and love handles (ugh!) stay the same size. I wear my pants super low, like below my hip bones, so I'm not going to lose sizes until I actually start working out for real. I ALMOST have a gap between my thighs. If I lose another centimeter on each leg it'll be clearly visable! That definitely made me happy. I've been eating mostly cereal lately. Unfortunately, I've been super weak lately too. Had McDonalds twice in the last week (ughhh), a huge brownie my mom made yesterday, and two tiny slices of cinnamon crumb cake I made my boyfriend today. So it baffles me that I'm actually still losing. I feel like my body loses more when I expect it to gain, and gains or stays the same when I expect to lose. It's..irritating to say the least.

Oh, and I got in a little car accident yesterday. My fault, no damage to the other person's car. But my front bumper is all cracked and it has to go into the shop soon. Rawr. I hope everyone out there is having a great weekend full of skinny jeans and empty tummies!

Eedee.

fifteen.

Having sex when you're waiting for laxatives to kick in is way weird. Just saying.

I was 121 last night. Down a pound and a half, which made me happy, but still not under 120, which pissed me off. I'm treating every day as my "last day of eating whatever before I start cracking down again". And that's unacceptable. I've come to the realization that I don't have the willpower to fast for any length of time right now. I've been going through some extreme personal shit and I just can't control the fasting. So my new goal is to eat under 500 calories for the next week. At least. We'll see where I go from there.

Have a great weekend, all you lovely little skinnies!

Eedee.

fourteen.

I feel like I just keep making excuses. The fast yesterday was so fail it's insane. We're just not going to talk about it. Today I got my laxatives and was planning on just cleaning myself out and not putting anything else in. Then I get to my boyfriend's house and he tells me we're going to Le Peep today. Which I guess is this super great restaurant he's been wanting to take me to for months. Arrrrgh! I like going out with him but good god. Why couldn't it be tomorrow? I was so gung-ho about today being the "starting over" day and now it's just shot to shit. Dammit.

I was 122.5 yesterday. Back to my starting weight for this whole fucking year. Four and a half pounds heavier than where I was the beginning of this month. It's disgusting. I have to get to a gym. My dad might pay for my first month to "see how much I actually use it". Wants to make sure it's worth it. I'll be there every damn day.

So I'm moving today's plan to tomorrow. Laxatives and nothing but water. Today I will consume nothing that isn't from the restaurant. Dammit.

Eedee.

thirteen.

Twenty-four hour fast. No food until tomorrow morning/afternoon. Possibility of becoming a 48 hour fast if I think I can handle it. One step at a time.

It's snowing again. So sick of it.

Eedee.

twelve.

Holy shit. I looked at the date and nearly had a heart attack. How the hell is it Friday already?! I mean, it just turned into Friday but still! Jesus. I've been stuck inside my house for two days straight because of this insane blizzard. It does not help matters.

I have a problem with food. As if that wasn't completely obvious. But not in that I want to eat less and less of it. I constantly have to shove food in my mouth. If I'm not completely occupied, I stray to food. My stomach has rumbled maybe three times in the past two days. Completely unacceptable. I eat for taste and texture and something to do with my hands. I've suspected for years that I have an oral fixation and I'm beginning to think it might actually be true. I'm glad I hate the smell of cigarettes or else I'd probably take that up too. I just...I can't say no. My brain just screams at me to eat something. It's so delicious, it's okay. You've lost so much, just eat as much as you want. And I do. I shudder to think of how many calories and how much fat I've absorbed in this past week. I've been avoiding the scale for days. Until tonight. My mom brought home cinnamon twists. I love them. I cut one in half and told myself I could only eat it if I wasn't disgusted by what the scale said. And my god. It read 118.5. Are. You. Serious. I know it has to be completely broken now. There is NO WAY that I can shove my face full of food near constantly for two or three days and only weigh half a pound more than my low weight. The only times I've moved was yesterday afternoon when I shoveled snow outside for maybe an hour and a half. That was it. Today I've left my computer for food and the bathroom. Nothing else. So there is no fucking way in the entire goddamn universe that I lost weight. I know I should be happy that it's that low, but it just makes me angry. Because I know it has to be wrong. And I feel like it's lying to me on purpose. Trying to get me to eat more and get fatter so when I finally get to a scale that works the number it'll say will just make me want to kill myself. It's fucking cruel.

Tomorrow I'm finally escaping my hell house for my boyfriend's again. We've got four movies to watch, one of them Blu-Ray, so it should be a good day. I love movies. A lot. And while I usually eat at his house, I'm still self-concious enough (or perhaps controlled enough) to not constantly be munching something. I won't promise tomorrow will be no food, but I'm sure as hell going to actually try. I won't lie. I have been putting in absolutely no effort to restrict myself lately. I've let my fat cells have control because I just couldn't bring myself to care about a damn thing. No more. Spring will be here before you know it and god fucking dammit I will be able to wear short shorts and a tank top and feel fucking amazing about myself. I have to.

Don't give up on me.

Eedee.

eleven.

I wonder how many times I have to fail before I just give up altogether. After vowing to myself, and all of you, that today would be a no food day, I just threw it out the window. Had two bowls of cereal with whole milk this afternoon. 540 calories for two bowls of fucking cereal. Maybe a little less because I always overestimate how much I have. Then, as I was leaving my boy's house, I started to shake. Just a fine trembling in my hands and I felt so. damn. weak. I legit felt like I would throw up and pass out. I have no idea why. It scared me. A lot. So I came home and had a clementine (which I read on someone's blog is considered to have negative calories because you burn more eating and digesting it than it starts with? can anyone confirm this?) and a Lean Pocket with 260 more calories. I don't feel bad about that because I was just freaked out by my body. I get lightheaded and headaches and stuff when I haven't eaten for a while, sometimes even a little nauseous. But I can't remember ever feeling as bad as I did an hour and a half ago. For no reason! I pigged the hell out for the past few days and then I had that damn cereal. Can you get a reaction like that from being dehydrated? Because the laxatives from yesterday (took four, which I've never done before) leeched a lot of water out of me and I only drank maybe half a bottle today. Hmm.

Haha, I just added the calories for today and my mind went insane. Because I got over 1000. Went back and looked at the cereal and was like..there is no WAY two bowls of cereal is over 800 calories. I seriously have to start carrying measuring cups around with me. I have no concept of portion size. I always think a cup is so kuch smaller than it is. It definitely makes me freak out.

So my stomach is killing me, my back and stomach keep gurgling and I feel like I have to shit more but nothing's coming out. More laxatives in a few days if it persists. Hope all of you out there are dloing better than me.

Eedee.

ten.

Back down to 119. Thank goodness. My insides hate me for it but it was so neccessary. Today is a NO FOOD DAY. I don't want anything else inside me. And with all the shit I've consumed lately it should be no big deal. I want to get back to 118 and finally drop below it.

I will be thin.

Eedee.

nine.

Laxatives make me want to die. Oh my god. Every time I take them I swear I'll never do it again. I have ongoing stomach/gastroenterological (or however you spell it) issues so it just destroys me.

My mom took me to the hospital last night because my stomach was bulging out scary far. It pretty much looked like a bowling ball stuck under my skin. It freaked her out and she freaked me out so we took the trip. First time I can remember going to the ER and not getting any needles stuck in me, haha. But the guy told me I was just super constipated. Said to take some laxatives and get some fiber-based thing to help "stay regular". I know this is gross, sorry. I don't abuse laxies or anything. I just keep them around for such an occasion. And damn...today is my own version of hell.

In other news, I am a huge failure. I've been stuffing my fat face with everything I could possibly find for the past few days. I've consumed (in the past two and a half days) nine nectarines, four clemantines, three bowls of cereal, two eggs, a piece of toast, and entire bag of Lays potato chips, two slices of supreme pizza (personal size), a mini chicken sandwich, mini burger, fresh banana pudding/smoothie, and most of a container of leftover roast chicken. OH. MY. GOD. I want to die. I'm back up to 121. I gained 3 freaking pounds in two days. I...I don't even know what to do. This is so unacceptable it's redic.

And on top of that, I am slowly but surely self-destructing. I went to my boyfriend's house and just cried in his lap for I don't even know how long. I couldn't stop. On the drive over I couldn't stop thinking how worthless I was and I just wanted to close my eyes and crash my car into whatever was closest. I've never been suicidal. I'm still not. But that was the first time I've had a destructive thought about myself in years that I actually wanted to happen. It scared me. My own brain terrifies me. I'm losing it. I'm just over everything. I want to be medicated for being crazy. I want a therapist to get all my shit out to. It can't all stay in my head any longer. It's ruining me.

There's almost a foot of snow outside and I want a nap. Hope everyone else is having a better day/week than me.

Eedee.

eight.

Oh hi there, Fatty McEats-A-Lot. So instead of waiting a while and having a small bowl of cereal later, I just downed a bowl of Special K Red Berries and another bowl and a half of Kix. With the fucking whole milk from hell. Approx. 560cals worth of cereal alone, then another 350 for the damn milk. Maybe a little high since I estimate the amount of cups but still..redic. And my mom has a whole rotisserie chicken sitting at home for when I get there. Ugh. Today is just a fail day. And I was doing so well.

Fuck it. I'm doomed to be fat.

seven.

Argh, my mom dragged me around multiple towns for like five hours today. Insane. I got super pissed and just aggravated with my day. Better now that I'm with my boy. He brings out the better side of me :)

Still at 118. Jesus. I'd kill to see that number go down a little bit tomorrow. Pretty much over it now. Went to the food store and loaded up on fruit, yogurt, and some zero-calorie mix ins for water. I tried one earlier and it's so good! Definitely better than Gatorade, haha. I've been having back and side pain all mornig so I ate a nectarine a few minutes ago. It was so freaking good. I'm glad I didn't bring any more because I'd totally lose control and eat as many as I could fit in my mouth.

I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow morning to check out this pain in my foot. I stepped on the prongs of my cell phone charger over a month ago and my heel has been messed up ever since. My mom said I might have a "planter's wart" or something. If I do they'd have to cut it out. Ugh. Putting adise the fact that warts are just gross, I hate getting shit cut out of me. I had to get a cyst removed from my shoulder a few years ago and it was just..weird. They used local anestetic so I was awake for the process. Freaky, dude.

I was aiming for today to be a fat-free day, nothing but fruits and fat-free yogurt. Then I found out there's fat in nectarines. What the fuck, dude. How can there be fat in freaking fruit?! That pissed me off. I had crappy-for-me Gatorade before the food store anyway. So I might cave and have some cereal later. Special K is my friend. Still fat-free, but my boyfriend only has whole milk. I love whole milk. I'm going to have to start weaning myself off and get to fat-free, but for the moment there's not much I can do. Le sigh.

six point five.

A couple of quizzes I found interesting.

On the Eating Attitudes Test I scored a 36.

Scores of 24 and up are considered to be high risk, or likely that you have an eating disorder. Nice to have it confirmed, I suppose. Er..as confirmed as a random "scientific" internet quiz can be.

And on the Anxiety Screening Test I scored a 44.

Scores of 38 and up are considered to be severe anxiety and extremely likely that you have an anxiety disorder. Already knew that but I was curious. I told my mom some of the thoughts that run through my head in common every day situations and she just looked at me like I was crazy. I see the world so differently than most people. I've been trying to make an appointment with the Behavioral Health department at the hospital but they're not returning my messages. Le sigh.

Just a couple fun little quizzes to see how messed up one really is, haha.

six.

118 is the magic number, apparently. Haven't gained or lost in two days, despite eating waaaay more than I would have liked. I'm grateful I haven't gone back up but I would kill to be down half a pound tomorrow.

I've been dissatisfied with my diet as of late. Diet as in what I actually consume. Of course I'd love to be like some of you out there and live on water and vitamins but I am the weakest of the weak. So I eat. I know my intake isn't so bad when I look at it from an outside standpoint. In the past six days I've only gone over 1000 once. Fucking Coldstone. The past three days have all been under 500. But the stuff I'm eating is crap. All carbs and sodium and FAT. I've been severely lacking in protein and fiber, which I know are usually what you want to consume the MOST of. So today I decided that I had to have some protein. Went to the mall with my boyfriend and headed to Wendy's. I should note that I have a serious fast food weakness. A few times in the past year I've sworn off fast food for a month or so at a time and it's just torture for me. The foods I like are all bad for me and full of shit I just straight up do not want in my body. But since it's cheap and I'm down to my last $20, I must suffer. Get a chicken sandwich, no fries and I'm feeling okay. Then my boy says, as we're waiting for the food, that I should have gone to Chik-Fil-A instead since they're probably a bit healthier. I was kicking myself because, of course he's right. Then he offers to eat the Wendy's sandwich so I can get the slightly healthier option. He knows I'm trying to lose weight and get in shape but not to the extent of what's really going on. So I go across the food court for another chicken sandwich. And of course they have fucking waffle fries. I'm not even that super hungry but I can't resist them. Argh. We get home and I wolf that shit down like they're paying me. I look up the nutritional info online and turn out he was right. The Chik-Fil-A Deluxe Chicken Sandwich (only reason it's deluxe is because of lettuce and tomatoes) is 410cal, while the Wendy's Homestyle Chicken Fillet is 470cal. Of course the freaking fries ruined what could have been an under 500 day with their 430cals of grease and fat. But I got what I wanted out of the day, which was 34g of protein :) Plus I burned about 400cals walking around the mall for a while and doing some less than savory things with aformentioned boy ;)

I was planning on waking up early this morning and going out for a short run before I started the day. But I wake up and there's snow everywhere! Not to mention it's freezing cold. This is the main reason why I need a gym. Or a treadmill in my house. I like running, but I freaking despise the cold. So I had to abandon that plan. Hoping to do some ab exercises when I go home in a little bit to work off some of the fast food I indulged in today. I feel guilty for not getting grilled chicken with veggies or something. That surely would have been better. But dammit, I need some fried chicken sometimes! It's seriously one of my biggest vices. Sigh. I have to wake up at 8AM tomorrow to drive my mom to the doctor's. I do not want to. I want to run and sweat and shrink. I'd like to get my bike down from where it's hanging in the garage but there's almost no point since the roads are kinda icy anyway. I HATE WINTER!

In other news, I got my first follower yesterday! Yay!

five.

I am fucking disgusting. I was feeling faint and floaty all day, so I decided to come home early and have a small bowl of oatmeal or something. Maybe a bite of chicken or beef for something of substance. I get home and just lose my mind. I ate a pint of grape tomatoes, a fat-free strawberry banana yogurt, and a fucking can of SpaghettiOs. The tomatoes and yogurt together would have been fine, just 143 calories. But NO. I have to eat the 360 calorie fucking SpaghettiOs. I am so disgusted with myself. I avoided the Lean Pockets in the freezer because it seemed redic to eat that little and add on 250 calories. I am stupid. Idiotic. And fat. So now I'm at a total of 528 calories, almost all of them consumed less than an hour before I go to bed. God, I can't even believe myself.

I was still 118 when I got home today. I'll probably be more when I wake up because of this stupid binge. I wanted to stay under 300 food calories, since the fucking Gatorade is a caloric nightmare. I'm poor as balls and asked my mom to buy water and let me find something to mix in it, but she refuses until all of the Gatorade is gone. I'm convinced she actually wants me to stay fat. She has medical issues and the medicines she takes make her gain weight. For a while we could share clothes but now hers are way too big for me and I feel like she resents me for losing weight while she just stays fat.

My boyfriend and I got one of those Eat This, Not That books today. Jacked it since we're both jobless and poor. It's the restaurant edition. All I can say is that the whole book makes me never want to eat again while simultaneously making me hungry. It's disgusting. Even the things they describe as being "good for you" are insane. 700 calorie meals are considered "good" just because they don't break the 1,000 mark. How fucked up is the world we live in when a meal totaling almost half the recommended amount of calories for a day is considered acceptable? I just don't get it.

four.

Still 118. Had 121 calories yesterday, and 52 so far today. Not counting my outrageously caloric Gatorade. I have to find something I can mix into water that doesn't taste blah. I don't drink water. I can't stand the taste of it. But these bottles of Gatorade are 200 calories for a 32 ounce bottle. It's insane. Stopped by Wal-Mart after my dentist appointment and finally got a tape measure so I can see if I'm actually losing any inches. Gonna do that when I get home from my boy's house.

I realized today that I am the lowest weight I've been since I ran track in high school. I mean, I guess I knew but it never really hit me. I've hovered around 130-145 for the past five years or so. So glad I'm finally going back down for real. Just need to get into the gym now.

three.

I am the salad nazi. Today was supposed to be a no food day to make up for yesterday's fail, but I've been dizzy and headachey all day. So I decided to make a salad. My mom and I went to the food store and argued for ten minutes because everything there was gross and nearly rotten. Finally got a head of lettuce and grape tomatoes. Sidenote: there were so many delish looking donuts and cupcakes and candy as we walked past. Urgh. Almost caved. Came home, measured everything out and was semi-satisfied with what I had (even though it still seemed too high). Then came time for dressing. Confession: I really dislike salad. It just feels wrong in my mouth. But I've forced myself to the point of semi-liking it. Only thing is, I use a lot of dressing. Much too much. I've been cutting down but it's still redic. And it has to be Ranch. So I pulled it out of the fridge and checked the nutritional info, which I think I avoided before because I just couldn't eat salad without it. And oh. my. freaking. god. 140 calories for 2 tablespoons?! Jesus Christ. I couldn't do it. I rummaged through my fridge and found some spicy Italian. Gross. Found fat-free Italian. It tasted bitter somehow. Poured it on anyway and decided to try. Took one more bite and couldn't stand it. I gave it to my mom and drove to a different food store to get fat free Ranch. Nowhere near as good as the real shit but I just could not bring myself to put that in my mouth. Two tablespoons of that contained more calories and fat than the entire rest of my meal. Disgusting. Only ate half of the salad anyway so I'm at 121 food calories for the day. And that's where I'm staying. I love this website, mydailyplate.com. It keeps track of your intake and fitness in the same place and it's so unbelievably easy. Even stuff you would never think of when trying to figure out how much you burned, like driving a car and food shopping. I love it.

In other news, I'm not going to the gym in the morning. My friend and I were going to go together and we had to print out these couponsto participate in the free week trial they have going on. I don't have a printer so it was on him. And he tells me at 8PM the night before that his printer has no ink. Ugh. So I'm going to just print my own coupon at my boyfriend's house tomorrow and go either tomorrow night or Wednesday morning. I can't stand putting it off anymore. It's insane. I know the main reason I've been avoiding it is because I'm afraid. I am terrified of social settings. Just thinking of going to a gym with a bunch of people I don't know and make a fool of myself trying to work out makes my knees shake. I'm so amazingly socially awkward and I have no idea why. I have to get over it though. Have to have to have to have to have to. I can't stand the fat on me. It needs to get the fuck off me.

Oh, my mom's boyfriend was watching me make my salad earlier. Asking me if that's how I lost so much weight. And I'm like sure. Then he said something or other and ended up asking me how much more weight I wanted to lose and why I wanted to lose anything else at all. Said I already had no ass (because my pants are so baggy that thye hide it, asshole. They used to be skinny jeans before my legs started shrinking). And it just made me more angry at him. Shut the fuck up and eat your greasy pork chops. Leave me alone and let me weigh whatever I want to. Obviously I'm not happy with what I'm at or I wouldn't want to lose any more. Jeez.

Tomorrow is my boyfriend, dentist, more boyfriend, and hopefully the gym. Depending on how early I can get home. This place is open 24 hours a day, but I have a feeling I need to show up during daytime hours to have someone show me what to do and where to go and stuff. I'm hugely nervous about that too. Walking in like an idiot not knowing what the hell to do. Do I show up in workout clothes or do I dress normal and bring my stuff in a bag? Who do I talk to about showing me around? Are there showers for after workouts, and are they public or do I need like, a towel or bathing suit or something?! I don't freaking know. This is my brain.