Monday, April 5, 2010


Losing is on the back burner for me right now. I still hate the way I look, but I can survive and maintain it for a little bit. I shot back up to 114.5 because I've been eating whatever the fuck I want. It's almost entirely due to whatever's going on in my body right now. I have no idea what it is. I know the anxiety is part of it, but there's other stuff as well. My allergies (I guess that's what it is) have been bothering me a lot lately, and I'm beginning to suspect I might have asthma. I woke up this morning and it was so unbelieveably hard for me to breathe. I tried to relax and calm down, because I was sure it was just the anxiety. I should note that I get the panic attacks even when I'm completely relaxed and not worried about a thing. That's a big reason why it makes me think there's something else going on there as well. But eventually I could breathe a little better. I chose to stay in the hotel room while my dad went to the beach, one because I had enough of the beach yesterday. And two because I felt such like shit. A little while ago I was just sitting here watching TV and all of a sudden I noticed that my chest was tightening up and I couldn't get a decent breath. I'm almost used to not being able to fill my lungs, but this was worse. Tried to avoid taking the Xanax because I only had ten left (nine now) but I was terrified of my throat locking up or having a seizure or something crazy like that. Yeah, the anxiety doesn't help. So I took one and paced around the suite for about ten minutes, because it helps a tiny bit when I walk. I don't know why. I'm feeling better now, I guess. Still can't get a full breath but I have a feeling that won't happen until I can go home and see a doctor and get tested for asthma or whatever they do. This fucking sucks.

Oh, something I forgot to mention last time. I told my friend about my ednos and showed him this blog. We've been friends for a long time and he's always been the only person I can literally tell ANYTHING to. We used to be best friends but we haven't really talked in a while. We're both a bit messed up but I love him to death. He accepts me completely. I don't think anyone else could like that. I don't know if he'll ever look at this again, but if you're reading I just want to thank you again. For accepting me exactly how I am and being one of the best friends I've ever had (when we actually talk, haha). I love you, dude.

But yeah. I'm eating as normally as I can and getting some exercise in (fitness room and frolicing in the ocean and whatnot) but my main priority is getting through the rest of the week without having to pay a visit to the emergency room. I'll update as often as I can to let you guys know I haven't died yet.



  1. Still worried about you, but it's good to know you're doing better [:
    That's awesome about your friend, if only we were lucky enough to all have people like that.
    Take care,

  2. This still sound like panic attacks to me. Symptoms can vary and intensify.
    Especially if you are out of your comfort zone.
    Public places, and travel do that to me. Nothing has to bother me externally, I can be completely happy, my body just reacts... sometimes forcefully.
    Perhaps try to call in a refill of you xanax. Explain you are on vacation and experiencing an increase of anxiety/panic attacks.
    xoxo zen