three.

I am the salad nazi. Today was supposed to be a no food day to make up for yesterday's fail, but I've been dizzy and headachey all day. So I decided to make a salad. My mom and I went to the food store and argued for ten minutes because everything there was gross and nearly rotten. Finally got a head of lettuce and grape tomatoes. Sidenote: there were so many delish looking donuts and cupcakes and candy as we walked past. Urgh. Almost caved. Came home, measured everything out and was semi-satisfied with what I had (even though it still seemed too high). Then came time for dressing. Confession: I really dislike salad. It just feels wrong in my mouth. But I've forced myself to the point of semi-liking it. Only thing is, I use a lot of dressing. Much too much. I've been cutting down but it's still redic. And it has to be Ranch. So I pulled it out of the fridge and checked the nutritional info, which I think I avoided before because I just couldn't eat salad without it. And oh. my. freaking. god. 140 calories for 2 tablespoons?! Jesus Christ. I couldn't do it. I rummaged through my fridge and found some spicy Italian. Gross. Found fat-free Italian. It tasted bitter somehow. Poured it on anyway and decided to try. Took one more bite and couldn't stand it. I gave it to my mom and drove to a different food store to get fat free Ranch. Nowhere near as good as the real shit but I just could not bring myself to put that in my mouth. Two tablespoons of that contained more calories and fat than the entire rest of my meal. Disgusting. Only ate half of the salad anyway so I'm at 121 food calories for the day. And that's where I'm staying. I love this website, mydailyplate.com. It keeps track of your intake and fitness in the same place and it's so unbelievably easy. Even stuff you would never think of when trying to figure out how much you burned, like driving a car and food shopping. I love it.

In other news, I'm not going to the gym in the morning. My friend and I were going to go together and we had to print out these couponsto participate in the free week trial they have going on. I don't have a printer so it was on him. And he tells me at 8PM the night before that his printer has no ink. Ugh. So I'm going to just print my own coupon at my boyfriend's house tomorrow and go either tomorrow night or Wednesday morning. I can't stand putting it off anymore. It's insane. I know the main reason I've been avoiding it is because I'm afraid. I am terrified of social settings. Just thinking of going to a gym with a bunch of people I don't know and make a fool of myself trying to work out makes my knees shake. I'm so amazingly socially awkward and I have no idea why. I have to get over it though. Have to have to have to have to have to. I can't stand the fat on me. It needs to get the fuck off me.

Oh, my mom's boyfriend was watching me make my salad earlier. Asking me if that's how I lost so much weight. And I'm like sure. Then he said something or other and ended up asking me how much more weight I wanted to lose and why I wanted to lose anything else at all. Said I already had no ass (because my pants are so baggy that thye hide it, asshole. They used to be skinny jeans before my legs started shrinking). And it just made me more angry at him. Shut the fuck up and eat your greasy pork chops. Leave me alone and let me weigh whatever I want to. Obviously I'm not happy with what I'm at or I wouldn't want to lose any more. Jeez.

Tomorrow is my boyfriend, dentist, more boyfriend, and hopefully the gym. Depending on how early I can get home. This place is open 24 hours a day, but I have a feeling I need to show up during daytime hours to have someone show me what to do and where to go and stuff. I'm hugely nervous about that too. Walking in like an idiot not knowing what the hell to do. Do I show up in workout clothes or do I dress normal and bring my stuff in a bag? Who do I talk to about showing me around? Are there showers for after workouts, and are they public or do I need like, a towel or bathing suit or something?! I don't freaking know. This is my brain.