twenty-four.

So I had what amounted to near complete emotional breakdown last night. I was doing amazingly well. Hadn't had a thing to eat since 2:30PM the day before and it was 9PM so I'd be sleeping in a few hours and wouldn't eat until 2:30 the next day, completing a full 48 hour fast. But no. I had to lose my mind and I ate about a cup and a half to two cups of tuna fish. It wasn't particularly mayo-saturated and I didn't have bread or anything, so it wasn't completely out of control. And better than the chips I almost grabbed before I regained my sense. I fasted for 31 hours (which I'm proud of) and actually emptied a good portion of my colon, yet the scale blinked up 117 pounds this morning. REALLY? I nearly passed out and felt sick all day and I didn't lose ANYTHING?! It's such bullshit. I don't care today. BF went to get milk and when he gets back I'm eating Honey Nut Cheerios until I die.

In other news, my dad told me he won't pay for even the first month of my gym membership. You guys don't even know how much I was counting on that. He said he would. But he said it's too expensive and he doesn't think I'd use it. I can't even believe it. He told me to find someplace that charges $20 a month. There are no places like that! I live in fucking New Jersey, nothing is cheap here! So now I'm fucked. Awesome.

I completely broke down to my boyfriend last night and told him how much I hate myself. One of the texts I sent him read: "I don't hate you. Do you really think I do? I fucking hate myself. I think you're going to flirt with everyone and leave me for someone better because it's what you fucking should do! Why do you put up with my shit? I don't do anything but make you fucking miserable. Can't you see I'm not worth this? God you're blind, thinking I hate you. I LOVE you. It's myself I can't stand." Because he told me to stop hating him and a bunch of other stuff. Rawr. I had a bad night. Sorry I'm not more inspiring.

Eedee.