thirty-one.

Down to 117 today :D

Well, I was. I don't know what it is. I'm desperate to get down where I want to be, but the other part of me just doesn't care. I'm just like, whatever. This won't do any real damage to my loss. Might as well eat it. Besides, I want it. But that's not good! Ugh. I'm trying to eat whatever I'm going to have in a day earlier so I have more time to burn it off during the day. I feel like that's why I lost a pound and a half since yesterday even though I ate a bit of steak and ice cream (even though the ice cream was only 80cals). Oh, and I ate an apple last night instead of more ice cream. So that made me a bit happier.

Today I've had too much. I had five (FUCKING FIVE!) bowls of Special K, another ice cream bar, and three crackers with Laughing Cow cheese. I'm going to round up and say 800cals for all the cereal (ohmyfuckinggod), 80 for the ice cream, and 95 for the crackers and cheese. So right now I'm at 975cals for the day. Oh my fucking lord. Almost 1000 calories and all I've had is cereal, ice cream, and crackers. No wonder I'm so damn unhealthy. Tomorrow is no food. Nearly 1000 calories in one day is unacceptable. I've realized once again how much fat I still have to lose. Every piece of me jiggles. I'm soft and mushy and fucking disgusting. I start bleeding tomorrow so I'm sure to bloat and feel even worse about myself anyway. Rawr. I wish laxatives could be taken every other day without all the risks. I'm making myself wait until after my period is over to take more. Like I need laxie pain on top of cramps.

So yeah. Two more pounds until my first goal of 115! I can't wait. Today probably put me back a little bit but hopefully tomorrow will make up for it. BF and I love these frozen mini chocolate eclairs, but they're absolutely terrible for you. So I'm making myself wait and we'll have them to celebrate my reaching my goal. And that'll be all I consume that day (maybe a piece of fruit or veggie to be a bit healthy) since it's redic caloric. Oh man, just two more pounds :D

Eedee.

EDIT: Oh. My. God. I hate myself so much right now. BF just brought the box of eclairs in the room. The reward for me reaching 115. And we ate them. Arrrrrgh! His grandmother had five and there are 30 in the box so I figure I had about..12 or so. That's another 560 calories for today. That is a grand total of 1535 calories for the day. None of which was anything particularly healthy. I'm taking back what I said before. Laxies tomorrow, in addition to NO FUCKING FOOD! God, I just got back to 117 and I'm fucking ruining it already. I fucking hate myself. I'm so WEAK.