Wednesday, April 14, 2010


I have no idea what I weigh. I'm too scared to step on the scale, and also too distracted. My size 5s still fit and I don't feel like I've been binging out of control so maybe I'll be pleasently surprised whenever I work up my courage.

I started Lexapro three days ago. An antidepressant for those unfamiliar. I feel like I'm already getting the side effects. Or my brain is manifesting them because I read what they COULD be and so is convinced I should get them all now. I've also been getting panic attacks. Terrible, horrific panic attacks. The one I had yesterday, I was shaking so bad I thought I was going to have a seizure. And I was driving. Not good. Pulled over right away, of course. But yeah...we've decided that I'm not going to be driving for a little while until something changes. Hopefully the Lexapro will kick in (says you may feel some effects after a week or two but it takes 4 to 6 weeks for it to be fully functioning). And these panic attacks..they happen when I'm not really feeling anything at all. I started getting another one about an hour ago (tight chest, difficulty breathing, tingling in my fingers, trembling, and lightheaded) so I took .5mg of Ativan and I'm feeling a bit better now. That was my second one today. I had to take one this morning because my boyfriend came to my house to pick me up and bring me to his and I know that for some reason being in a car is an issue for me. I swear, it didn't even matter. I spent the whole 15 minute ride hunched over in my seat, deep breathing, trying not to pass out or puke or shake too hard and trigger a seizure. I've never had a seizure, in case anyone was wondering. I'm just petrified that it's going to happen. My entire body was tingling and I kept getting these waves of hot and cold in my body that made me feel like I was going to pass out. It was terrible. And I was just in the freaking emergency room for this YESTERDAY. I can't go on like this. I tremble slightly all the time and I can never just get a full deep breath without feeling this pull in my chest. I'm really scared. Just terrified. I know this is an ED blog and this doesn't really fit here, but this is the only place I have that I can keep all this down. And I want to keep you guys updated on why I haven't been around so much lately.

Foodwise, today I had a Fiber One bar (because I need to take the Lexapro with food in the morning) and a small bowl and a half of Fruity Pebbles. I'll have something else in a little bit because my stomach's been growling for hours. And I've got enough pain right now without that.

Hopefully I'll be able to stay at BF's house tonight so I don't need to use up yet another Ativan. My mom managed to just LOSE $65 and so can't afford to fill my prescriptions until Friday. I have two .5mg of Ativan and one .5mg of Xanax. That will barely bring me through the rest of today and tomorrow. I am so fucked.



  1. try zoloft. covers both depression and anxiety. they gave it to me after i had my girl due to post-partum and depression relapse. it has the least amount of side-effects. they even let me breastfeed while taking it. i've tried lots of different anti-axiety and anti-depressant drugs since i was 16. zoloft is the only one that doesn't make other things worse. if that makes since. talk to your doc about it if you still have weirdness with Lexapro.

  2. Hey, I'm actually rather new to the blogger world. I'm following a couple blogs on here but I saw yours and the word EDNOS stuck out for me. lol so I knew this was a blog to follow (I know this really doesn't have much to do with the above blog lol, but I've only ever been on 2 anti-depressants, Prozac since I was 17 until 22, and then I was diagnosed bipolar 2 an placed on celexa and lithium. So to say the least I don't know much about other med options lol.) Its a bummer the experience you've been having with anxiety. But its awesome you have a boy-friend who is there for you. I hope that all the trembling and anxious feelings go away though. Anyway, I just wanted to say hello... reach out and make my first connection in the blog world.

  3. Hey really like your blog.Can identify with all you say.Don't worry you're not alone!
    <3 XoXo
    ps: follow me?i'm new :)