forty-nine.

I have no idea what I weigh. I'm too scared to step on the scale, and also too distracted. My size 5s still fit and I don't feel like I've been binging out of control so maybe I'll be pleasently surprised whenever I work up my courage.

I started Lexapro three days ago. An antidepressant for those unfamiliar. I feel like I'm already getting the side effects. Or my brain is manifesting them because I read what they COULD be and so is convinced I should get them all now. I've also been getting panic attacks. Terrible, horrific panic attacks. The one I had yesterday, I was shaking so bad I thought I was going to have a seizure. And I was driving. Not good. Pulled over right away, of course. But yeah...we've decided that I'm not going to be driving for a little while until something changes. Hopefully the Lexapro will kick in (says you may feel some effects after a week or two but it takes 4 to 6 weeks for it to be fully functioning). And these panic attacks..they happen when I'm not really feeling anything at all. I started getting another one about an hour ago (tight chest, difficulty breathing, tingling in my fingers, trembling, and lightheaded) so I took .5mg of Ativan and I'm feeling a bit better now. That was my second one today. I had to take one this morning because my boyfriend came to my house to pick me up and bring me to his and I know that for some reason being in a car is an issue for me. I swear, it didn't even matter. I spent the whole 15 minute ride hunched over in my seat, deep breathing, trying not to pass out or puke or shake too hard and trigger a seizure. I've never had a seizure, in case anyone was wondering. I'm just petrified that it's going to happen. My entire body was tingling and I kept getting these waves of hot and cold in my body that made me feel like I was going to pass out. It was terrible. And I was just in the freaking emergency room for this YESTERDAY. I can't go on like this. I tremble slightly all the time and I can never just get a full deep breath without feeling this pull in my chest. I'm really scared. Just terrified. I know this is an ED blog and this doesn't really fit here, but this is the only place I have that I can keep all this down. And I want to keep you guys updated on why I haven't been around so much lately.

Foodwise, today I had a Fiber One bar (because I need to take the Lexapro with food in the morning) and a small bowl and a half of Fruity Pebbles. I'll have something else in a little bit because my stomach's been growling for hours. And I've got enough pain right now without that.

Hopefully I'll be able to stay at BF's house tonight so I don't need to use up yet another Ativan. My mom managed to just LOSE $65 and so can't afford to fill my prescriptions until Friday. I have two .5mg of Ativan and one .5mg of Xanax. That will barely bring me through the rest of today and tomorrow. I am so fucked.

Eedee.