forty-five.

So much to tell you guys. I don't even know where to begin.

I'm currently in Pompano Beach, Florida. It's gorgeously warm and I can't wait for tomorrow so we can go to the beach or something. The drive was horrible though. It started Thursday night when I was going to my dad's house. I was completely fine, when all of a sudden my body went insane. My chest got so tight I couldn't breathe, my entire body went numb and tingly, and I could barely move my limbs. I swear to god I thought I was having a heart attack. So I pulled over and called 911 and they brought me to the hospital. I was okay by that point but terrified it would happen again, so I didn't want to risk driving. I've had panic attacks before, but nowhere NEAR as bad as that. I literally had no control over my body. I thought I was actually going to die. That I would pass out before I could tell the 911 dispatcher where I was and I'd die on the side of the road. It was the single worst experience I can remember having. Thank god I had some Xanax. It honestly probaby saved my life. I know I'm prone to exaggeration, but this is different.

Since then, I've had an attack every day. I recognized how the beginning of it feels and I take one Xanax and just take deep, even breaths until it subsides. It's usually completely gone after an hour. But it's terrible. I need this psych appointment to come so they can give me something. I can't keep taking Xanax every day. It's highly addictive and I only have about 13 left anyway. But my god. I hate living like this. I'm hoping a relaxing week down here will help at least a little bit.

As far as food is concerned, I've been eating. A lot. Because my mom, dad, doctors, and myself agree that the first horrible attack was probably brought on by my lack of eating. I love being thinner, and I know I'm going to freak if (probably when) I start gaining weight, but it's not worth my health. I'm going to eat normally until I get home and see how it impacts how I feel. Then I'll get the anti-anxiety medication and see where we go from there. There's a fitness room here just as I hoped, so I'm making it a point to spend as much time as possible in it to make up for all the calories I'm going to be consuming. I'm not downing entire tubs of ice cream and pizzas and stuff, but I'm eating all the same. My dad has these "weight loss" shakes that he drinks every day and he's letting me have a few of them. They're 320 calories each (oh my GOD) but they're full of vitamins and I feel like that's what I need right now. I've been eating fruit, and mainly grilled chicken dishes whenever we go to restaurants. Always off the low-cal or "heart healthy" part of the menu if possible. I feel full almost constantly but I'd rather gain five pounds that I can work off later (in a healthier way) than have a terrible panic attack every day that leaves me unable to move or breathe.

I just want to remind everyone to be careful. Thin is the goal, and it's worth almost anything. But it isn't worth your health. It isn't worth cutting years off your life and leaving yourself with heart problems or something else for the rest of your life. Just be careful, beauties.

Eedee.