forty-seven.

Still 116.5, despite having a horrific binge today. Honestly, I've binged before and I've felt full and awful but never like this. I think it's because of the other shit I have going on. I walked across the street to this grocery store and bought a 4 piece container of fried chicken, a box of Little Debbie blueberry muffins, and two yogurts. Ate the chicken and all six muffins over the space of about 45 minutes. I still feel so full. I never want to eat again. Had to go to an Urgent Care place here too because of the breathing and pain and shit I've been in all week. I've started getting these sharp pains in my lower ribs on both sides whenever I sut up straight and try to take a deep breath. Doctor said my lungs and heart were good, then suggested freaking appendicitis. Seriously? He pushed on my stomach (which of course hurt due to all the food I had eaten, even five hours later or such) and I flinched. I flat out cried out when he pushed on my rubs and the space between them. I was nearly sobbing the entire time, by the way. I don't deal with feeling bad very well, especially when a freaking doctor tells me my appendix might burst and I'd have to spend months in the hospital. Thanks, dude.

I think the burning in my upper stomach/chest area in the middle of my boobs could be acid reflux or something. What does that normally feel like? I'm going to take some of my dad's wife's Pepcid in the morning if it's still there. I would take it tonight but I'll be going to bed in like three hours or so anyway. Took some Xanax after the doctor and I'm kind of better. I know at least 50% of what's going on in my body has to do with anxiety and my inability to deal with it. My dad just keeps telling me to relax and breathe and get a hold of myself and I'll be okay. And I'm like dude, if I could do that I wouldn't have an anxiety DISORDER. That word implies that I have an abnormal issue with whatever the subject is. That I can't just take a deep breathe and concentrate on something else. Even when I'm not thinking about anything at all, my subconcious is whipping my body into a frenzy. And I can't control it. I was talking to my mom earlier and I just started crying. She asked me why and I just screamed at her that I didn't know why. Because I didn't. I mean, sure I was upset about all the medical stuff and I miss her and everything, but normal people can get through a simple phone conversation with their mother without sobbing into the phone all of a sudden. God, my therapist is going to have her work cut out for her when I see her again.

How about some good news now, hmm? I have a job interview at a pet supply store on the 13th. And I can make an appointment for an interview at Six Flags whenever I call their recruitment office. My psych appointment is the day after I get home, as is my gyno. Since I've been having those same sharp pains in my boob area, I'm hoping they'll reassure me (yet again) that I don't have breast cancer. I'm convinced I do nearly all the time, so it's always good to hear that I'm still somewhat healthy, haha. I'm getting a colonoscopy on the 30th, which is good and bad. Good because I've been trying to get one since like December and it'll help the doctors figure out what's wrong with my stomach/intestines stuff. But bad because of what it actually is. In case anyone isn't familiar with what it is, and not to be gross or anything, but it's when they sedate you (which freaks me the fuck out more than I can even tell you) and run a small camera on the end of this tube or something up your butt and through your intestines and stuff. Yeah. Definitely freaked out but I really need it so it's good to finally have an appointment. My mom also told me she's going to make me an appointment to see a lung doctor to test for asthma, since I did have it when I was a kid and all the issues I'm having now. The doctor today said he doesn't think so, but it'd be through Charity Care (which is when you're poorer than dirt in Jersey and you have no insurance so that covers any medical shit at a specific hospital and whatever doctors they refer you to) so it'd be free anyway. So I might as well, even just to alleviate that much more stress from my brain.

So yeah. Having a TERRIBLE time right now but once I get back I'll get all my shit in order, feel better, and get back on track. Bear with me, guys.

Eedee.