I know I've been gone forever. I've been having a really hard time with my life in general, plus the fact that my internet doesn't work at my house right now. I'm sitting in McDonalds because they have free wifi. Ate cereal this morning (because I have to eat when I take my Lexapro in the morning) so I'm not even tempted.
Points worth mentioning:
- I've been binging out of control because of my insane depression so I shot allllll the way back up to 120. Motherfucker. I'm back to 118 now but shit...I was so close. My mom told me I'm "finally starting to look healthy again". Yuck. I never looked anything less than healthy, so I know I was on my way back to blubbery. Hopefully I can keep myself under control and lose what I gained back and then some.
- My boyfriend broke up with me at 1AM on our 9 month anniversary four days ago. Therefore removing the last thing that meant anything from my life. We talk a tiny bit and I'm waiting to see if he'll take me back. He just couldn't handle all of my crazy. I obviously don't blame him...I just wish I was better for him.
- My psychiatrist upped my does of Lexapro from 10mg a day to 15mg. I have a feeling he's going to end up upping it again next time I see him. Been on it for nearly four weeks and I don't feel any different. I still get panic attacks, I can't even drive anymore, and the side effects have been kicking my ass. My body feels like it's plugged into a live wire for most of the day. That's not to say I have energy. I just feel like my insides are vibrating. I hate it. Plus nausea (I almost puked for the first time in neartly a year yesterday), dizziness, and a marked difference in my ability to orgasm for a week or so. TMI? :P
So those are the major things going on in my life right now. I'm trying to get the internet working in my house asap so hopefully I'll be back to updating regularly soon. Miss all you guys!
Eedee.
Behind The Mask
- EedeeKnows
- I think I'm clever. My name is a simple manipulation of EDNOS, which is what I have. Not controlled enough for ana, not enough nerve for mia. Just somewhere in the middle. Twenty years old. I'm depressed, I have a horrible view of myself and the world around me, and I find that I'm becoming increasingly angry at everything. I think once I'm thin and pretty everything will change. It has to.
The nausea should subside eventually. Lexapro also works good when prescribed in conjunction with something else. Lamictal is really good, helps with anxiety and depression too.
ReplyDeleteSorry about the decreased libido. Try a pocket rocket they sell em on Amazon. Gives an extra ooomph ;)
The shit with love in our case is very tricky, because they will either end up almost forcing us to let go of ED, or they will end up breaking up with us. My personal opinion is that the second one is better. he can't take your craziness?Hell if you can live with it, he should have learned to live with it too.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Zen on the Lamictal thing. it really works for me at least.
Take care
"PerfectingMyEmptiness"
I hate how what other people see as looking healthy is looking like a chub in our eyes... It's so hard on us... And as for men pushing us away because of our craziness--yes, it happens all the time to all of us--it hurts like hell and makes it even harder on us. Hang in there, love. Things will have to look up sooner or later.
ReplyDeleteI miss you. I hope you're okay. Drop me a comment when you come back, kind of worried about you :(
ReplyDeleteHey, I don't know you, but I'm praying for you.
ReplyDeleteIt can be so hard for guys to understand what we're going through because it's so complex. Keep holding on though.
just a reminder, something i realised.
we can change our bodies, but until we change our minds, we'll never be satisfied