nine.

Laxatives make me want to die. Oh my god. Every time I take them I swear I'll never do it again. I have ongoing stomach/gastroenterological (or however you spell it) issues so it just destroys me.

My mom took me to the hospital last night because my stomach was bulging out scary far. It pretty much looked like a bowling ball stuck under my skin. It freaked her out and she freaked me out so we took the trip. First time I can remember going to the ER and not getting any needles stuck in me, haha. But the guy told me I was just super constipated. Said to take some laxatives and get some fiber-based thing to help "stay regular". I know this is gross, sorry. I don't abuse laxies or anything. I just keep them around for such an occasion. And damn...today is my own version of hell.

In other news, I am a huge failure. I've been stuffing my fat face with everything I could possibly find for the past few days. I've consumed (in the past two and a half days) nine nectarines, four clemantines, three bowls of cereal, two eggs, a piece of toast, and entire bag of Lays potato chips, two slices of supreme pizza (personal size), a mini chicken sandwich, mini burger, fresh banana pudding/smoothie, and most of a container of leftover roast chicken. OH. MY. GOD. I want to die. I'm back up to 121. I gained 3 freaking pounds in two days. I...I don't even know what to do. This is so unacceptable it's redic.

And on top of that, I am slowly but surely self-destructing. I went to my boyfriend's house and just cried in his lap for I don't even know how long. I couldn't stop. On the drive over I couldn't stop thinking how worthless I was and I just wanted to close my eyes and crash my car into whatever was closest. I've never been suicidal. I'm still not. But that was the first time I've had a destructive thought about myself in years that I actually wanted to happen. It scared me. My own brain terrifies me. I'm losing it. I'm just over everything. I want to be medicated for being crazy. I want a therapist to get all my shit out to. It can't all stay in my head any longer. It's ruining me.

There's almost a foot of snow outside and I want a nap. Hope everyone else is having a better day/week than me.

Eedee.