five.

I am fucking disgusting. I was feeling faint and floaty all day, so I decided to come home early and have a small bowl of oatmeal or something. Maybe a bite of chicken or beef for something of substance. I get home and just lose my mind. I ate a pint of grape tomatoes, a fat-free strawberry banana yogurt, and a fucking can of SpaghettiOs. The tomatoes and yogurt together would have been fine, just 143 calories. But NO. I have to eat the 360 calorie fucking SpaghettiOs. I am so disgusted with myself. I avoided the Lean Pockets in the freezer because it seemed redic to eat that little and add on 250 calories. I am stupid. Idiotic. And fat. So now I'm at a total of 528 calories, almost all of them consumed less than an hour before I go to bed. God, I can't even believe myself.

I was still 118 when I got home today. I'll probably be more when I wake up because of this stupid binge. I wanted to stay under 300 food calories, since the fucking Gatorade is a caloric nightmare. I'm poor as balls and asked my mom to buy water and let me find something to mix in it, but she refuses until all of the Gatorade is gone. I'm convinced she actually wants me to stay fat. She has medical issues and the medicines she takes make her gain weight. For a while we could share clothes but now hers are way too big for me and I feel like she resents me for losing weight while she just stays fat.

My boyfriend and I got one of those Eat This, Not That books today. Jacked it since we're both jobless and poor. It's the restaurant edition. All I can say is that the whole book makes me never want to eat again while simultaneously making me hungry. It's disgusting. Even the things they describe as being "good for you" are insane. 700 calorie meals are considered "good" just because they don't break the 1,000 mark. How fucked up is the world we live in when a meal totaling almost half the recommended amount of calories for a day is considered acceptable? I just don't get it.