forty-one.

Before I say anything, I HAVE to thank ominous loss for all of her love and support. She's seriously my biggest supporter and I don't know what I'd do without her. You make my day more often than you'd believe, bebe. I know we can do this together :D

So, I'm 111 today! Ahhhhh I can't even express to you guys how happy I am. This week had seriously been one of the best of my life. In the past nine days, I've lost nine pounds. That's just...wow! Aiming to be anywhere below 110 for vacation. No solid goal, just below 110. Then I'm well ahead of my goals and I can even afford to cheat a little. Honestly, I've already decided to cheat a bit when I'm down there. My dad LOVES Italian food so I'm sure there'll be a lot of that. And I'm going to let myself enjoy a tiny bit of it. Smallest portions imaginable, hopefully. I'm also hoping to try a lot more veggies and shrimp and fish, since I don't eat those things now but I want to. I figure what better time to try :)

Yesterday, after I got to BF's house at 9PM, I had a Skinny Cow ice cream bar. 80cals, nothing big. And obviously didn't ruin me because my weight was down a pound since yesterday. I just seriously needed something. It's weird. I never thought I'd get to a point where I just wasn't hungry. Well...that's not entirely true. I'm still hungry, but it doesn't seem to matter so much. I don't know how to explain it. When I eat, it isn't because I'm hungry or something looks or smells yummy. It's because my body feels so bad and weak that I think I might die if I don't eat something right then. I've been super paranoid lately. I always am, but more so the past week. I have no choice but to believe it has some connection with the insane restriction, since it's only been since I've started that. I keep seeing little flashes of things out of the corner of my eye. I'm sure horror movies don't help, haha. They always scare me, no matter how stupid. But yeah. My chest is so tight and it cramps sometimes and I think I'm going to have a heart attack. I've heard in passing about restriction indiced heart attacks. Is there any truth to that? It's really been freaking me out. Haha, you guys probably think I'm crazier than usual now. I just need to be on anti-anxiety medication, I think. Then most of these thoughts will go away and I can pass for somewhat normal.

Sorry for jumping around a lot, my mind is racing with what I want to say to you guys. And if I don't do it fast and completely randomly, I'll forget because I have a TERRIBLE memory and most of the time my thoughts slip out before I can get them down. I've noticed that most of my day lately is spent thinking up things I want to write in here. Like I have an internal monologue constantly going, like JD from Scrubs only much more disordered. I tell myself not to forget, that I want to share it with you guys and remember it for myself later. I hardly ever do.

So today's menu. Dannon Light N Fit yogurt (80), two clementines (70), and two hard-boiled egg whites (32). That's 182cals for the day. I might cheat and have another Skinny Cow if I feel as terrible as yesterday. Even then, I'd only be at 272. Perfectly acceptable. I'm aiming for that. Yesterday my mom's boyfriend told me he wanted to get pizza Tuesday night (tomorrow) because they have a good deal. At first I was like SHIT. Because I love the pizza from the place he was talking about. Then I was like, wait. I've been beyond amazing lately. I'm four pounds below the goal I wanted to reach by vacation. There's no reason I can't have a little treat. I'm scared of how the grease might affect my system though, seeing as I haven't had any (or hardly anything else) in a while. So I decided I'm going to have ONE piece. Because I feel I deserve it after how good I've been lately. I probably won't lose due to it, and my stomach won't get any smaller, but I think it's worth it. Just one. I wish I could lax the next day, but I'm seeing a friend for the first time in four months. And Wednesday is the first day I'll be completely done with my period, and I plan on raping my boyfriend ;) And the next day I have to go to my dad's house, which is an hour and change drive. Then the next morning at like 2AM we start the drive for FL. So no laxing possible. I was debating doing it today, but I'm not sure how it'd make me feel, being as I'm already so achey and weak. I'll let it be for right now. Decisions later.

Let's start the week right today, beauties. Stay strong!

Eedee.

EDIT: My boyfriend and his grandmother decided to go out for Chinese today. Dude. No way in HELL I can eat that. I told BF as much. So they went without me, leaving me alone in their house to spend half an hour eating a six ounce cup of yogurt. I feel accomplished. I LOVE Chinese food. So this was big. Oh, and the only reason I had the yogurt already (even though it's already 2:30PM, wow) was because I got up to go to the bathroom and the back of my head was swimming and my entire body was tingly. I definitely think I almost passed out. I get insane tunnel vision every time I stand up, but this was something else. Scary, dude. Maybe I'll have an egg too, just to be safe.