forty-four.

I'm 111.5 today, but I expected that. Last night I had a garlic breadstick, three mozzerella sticks, and three small brownies that my mom made. At the least, I reached 1000. I don't know how many calories were in any of it. But that's fine. I feel marginally better today and ready to go again. All I've had is 400cals worth of cereal and milk, and that's what it's staying at. Period.

Tomorrow I go to my dad's house in PA, then we leave for Florida at 4AM. Yay! The only thing is, he said we'll go get dinner after I get there. Ugh. No possible way I want that. I either have to go early to beat rush hour traffic (and go to dinner) or I can leave later and miss the traffic. And, conveniently, dinner. If I do go, the ONLY thing I am allowed is a small salad. No dressing. I will not consume anything until that dinner. If I'm not hungry enough to eat it without dressing (I don't really like lettuce) then I'm not hungry enough for food. If I go later and don't go to dinner, I'm allowed two 80cal yogurts. So I'm safe either way. All that I'll have to eat in the car is fruit. I'm hoping to be 110 by the time I wake up in FL. Because we won't get there until around 11PM or later and I know I won't want to unpack my scale when I'm that tired. So by Saturday morning I'm aiming for 110. Hopefully it won't be a problem :)

I'm going to hang out with a friend I haven't seen since October later tonight. Whenever we hang out we usually spend a few hours walking around town and talking. I'm counting on this to get some cardio in and work off whatever's left of yesterday's grossness and today's cereal. I got used to feeling so empty that my body was almost like one big cramp. Like, everything squeezed together because there was no fat to smush it apart. Now I feel almost normal. I'm thankful, since I was worried about the damage I was doing to myself. But now I just want everything out of me and to get back on track. I can still grab handfuls of fat all over my body, and it disgusts me.

BF's coming back into the room now, and he likes glancing atmy computer so I'm off for now. Stay strong :)

Eedee.

forty-three.

First off, I was really touched by how concerned you guys were for me. I'm always had a bit of vertigo or whatever it is whenever I stand up too fast, so the tunnel vision and near-fainting isn't as bad as it may seem. Like I said, I'm prone to overreation. And to Jenn (do you not have a profile?), if your intent was to scare the living shit out of me, you certainly succeeded. Thanks for the info. I'm definitely going to up my calories a bit to try and be a little healthier.

So today I've ate more than usual to try and get my body to feel a little bit better. Here's what it looks like so far: (edited at 6:20PM)

Banana (3) - 321
Steak - 200
Clementine - 25
Skinny Cow ice cream bar - 80

Total so far: 626

It was a super small piece of steak, but I'm rounding up a bit to be safe. And I was searching online and found that bananas are 107cals for a medium size. Seems more reasonable than the 134 per cup I read in that book, so I'm going to go with that. And the clementine was literally only a tiny bit bigger than a big cherry. Smallest one I've ever seen, and I gave two sections to BF. I'm going to try to just eat a Lean Pocket later tonight so the total is around 750ish. Not as low as I'd like it, but Jenn really freaked me out. So I'm playing it kinda safer today. I took two laxies about half an hour ago anyway. Because honestly, I can't have all this crap just sitting in my stomach. I'll eat it to get the calories and nutrients and shit, but I want it gone by tomorrow. I know it's like cheating and probably offsets the effort I'm making to eat a bit more, but I don't care. I'm not ready to have that much sitting in my gut just yet.

So, I went bathing suit shopping today. I needed two suits and two pairs of shorts that actually fit. Left the mall with two bathing suits, three pairs of shorts, two pairs of pants, and two pairs of boots. Oh, and I'M A SIZE FUCKING FIVE! If it runs small, I need the 7 but for the most part I'm a size 5. Oh my god, dude! I'd forgotten what tight pants actually feel like after wearing my way-too-big size 9 "skinny" jeans for so long, haha. So that made my day. My month, actually. And I needed a small in the bathing suit bottoms. Partially because I have no butt but still! I can't remember the last time I coult fit into a small anything on bottom. Oh, I can't believe I didn't mention this earlier! But I forgot till now and can't find a logical place to put it in. I weighed 110.5 this morning! Even with the Lean Pocket I had three and a half hours or so before bed. I haven't been this light since I ran track in high school. Pretty soon I'll be a thin as I was in middle school, haha. Not to worry though. I think I'll know when to stop. Honestly, I just want the rest of the fat gone and for my muscles to develop a little bit. Then I can just maintain. I don't plan on weighing 80 pounds or anything. Just for clarification.

Oh, and my mom told me something that made me super happy earlier. I asked how much my sister weighs, since she's always been thinner than me (I attribute it to her being born premature and everything). She said she was 112-113 last time she knew. That means I am officially the skinniest person in my family! Ahh you guys don't even know how happy that made me.

Hope everyone's having a great day :D

Eedee.

forty-two.

I'm seriously so weak today. I've been floating through the day and keep nearly passing out, and my chest hurts something awful. So I ate a Lean Pocket. It'll fill me up a bit and give me some nutrients and shit so I don't like, die or something. I know it's not that serious but I'm prone to overreaction, especially when it comes to my health. I always think I'm going to die.

Here's what today looked like:

Dannon Light & Fit yogurt - 80
Hard-boiled egg white - 16
Lean Pocket (supreme pizza) - 220

Total: 316

Still a respectable number. That's all I'm going to have tonight. The Lean Pocket should definitely hold me until bed. Worst comes to worst, a 35cal clementine. I don't forsee an issue though. Hanging out with my BF, watching movies and such for about three more hours, then home for bed. And when I wake up tomorrow I get to start packing a few things for Florida. Then my mom and I are going to buy a few things I need, like sunscreen and shorts (!) and bathing suits (!!!). I'm excited and nervous all at once.

I figured out that my BMR is 1730. So I burn at least that many calories every single day. That means I've had a deficit every day for...I don't even know how long. A long time. Even when I had that eclair binge I was only at 1535 or something. That made me happy. Oh, and my boyfriend showed me how he can nearly wrap both his hands around his entire waist. He can wear a double 0 in girls jeans. Sonofabitch. He is my thinspiration every single day. Meanwhile, I'm stuck at a size 7 and my hands barely make their way around my hipbones. I am still so HUGE. Ugh.

Hope everyone had a fantastic day!

Eedee.

forty-one.

Before I say anything, I HAVE to thank ominous loss for all of her love and support. She's seriously my biggest supporter and I don't know what I'd do without her. You make my day more often than you'd believe, bebe. I know we can do this together :D

So, I'm 111 today! Ahhhhh I can't even express to you guys how happy I am. This week had seriously been one of the best of my life. In the past nine days, I've lost nine pounds. That's just...wow! Aiming to be anywhere below 110 for vacation. No solid goal, just below 110. Then I'm well ahead of my goals and I can even afford to cheat a little. Honestly, I've already decided to cheat a bit when I'm down there. My dad LOVES Italian food so I'm sure there'll be a lot of that. And I'm going to let myself enjoy a tiny bit of it. Smallest portions imaginable, hopefully. I'm also hoping to try a lot more veggies and shrimp and fish, since I don't eat those things now but I want to. I figure what better time to try :)

Yesterday, after I got to BF's house at 9PM, I had a Skinny Cow ice cream bar. 80cals, nothing big. And obviously didn't ruin me because my weight was down a pound since yesterday. I just seriously needed something. It's weird. I never thought I'd get to a point where I just wasn't hungry. Well...that's not entirely true. I'm still hungry, but it doesn't seem to matter so much. I don't know how to explain it. When I eat, it isn't because I'm hungry or something looks or smells yummy. It's because my body feels so bad and weak that I think I might die if I don't eat something right then. I've been super paranoid lately. I always am, but more so the past week. I have no choice but to believe it has some connection with the insane restriction, since it's only been since I've started that. I keep seeing little flashes of things out of the corner of my eye. I'm sure horror movies don't help, haha. They always scare me, no matter how stupid. But yeah. My chest is so tight and it cramps sometimes and I think I'm going to have a heart attack. I've heard in passing about restriction indiced heart attacks. Is there any truth to that? It's really been freaking me out. Haha, you guys probably think I'm crazier than usual now. I just need to be on anti-anxiety medication, I think. Then most of these thoughts will go away and I can pass for somewhat normal.

Sorry for jumping around a lot, my mind is racing with what I want to say to you guys. And if I don't do it fast and completely randomly, I'll forget because I have a TERRIBLE memory and most of the time my thoughts slip out before I can get them down. I've noticed that most of my day lately is spent thinking up things I want to write in here. Like I have an internal monologue constantly going, like JD from Scrubs only much more disordered. I tell myself not to forget, that I want to share it with you guys and remember it for myself later. I hardly ever do.

So today's menu. Dannon Light N Fit yogurt (80), two clementines (70), and two hard-boiled egg whites (32). That's 182cals for the day. I might cheat and have another Skinny Cow if I feel as terrible as yesterday. Even then, I'd only be at 272. Perfectly acceptable. I'm aiming for that. Yesterday my mom's boyfriend told me he wanted to get pizza Tuesday night (tomorrow) because they have a good deal. At first I was like SHIT. Because I love the pizza from the place he was talking about. Then I was like, wait. I've been beyond amazing lately. I'm four pounds below the goal I wanted to reach by vacation. There's no reason I can't have a little treat. I'm scared of how the grease might affect my system though, seeing as I haven't had any (or hardly anything else) in a while. So I decided I'm going to have ONE piece. Because I feel I deserve it after how good I've been lately. I probably won't lose due to it, and my stomach won't get any smaller, but I think it's worth it. Just one. I wish I could lax the next day, but I'm seeing a friend for the first time in four months. And Wednesday is the first day I'll be completely done with my period, and I plan on raping my boyfriend ;) And the next day I have to go to my dad's house, which is an hour and change drive. Then the next morning at like 2AM we start the drive for FL. So no laxing possible. I was debating doing it today, but I'm not sure how it'd make me feel, being as I'm already so achey and weak. I'll let it be for right now. Decisions later.

Let's start the week right today, beauties. Stay strong!

Eedee.

EDIT: My boyfriend and his grandmother decided to go out for Chinese today. Dude. No way in HELL I can eat that. I told BF as much. So they went without me, leaving me alone in their house to spend half an hour eating a six ounce cup of yogurt. I feel accomplished. I LOVE Chinese food. So this was big. Oh, and the only reason I had the yogurt already (even though it's already 2:30PM, wow) was because I got up to go to the bathroom and the back of my head was swimming and my entire body was tingly. I definitely think I almost passed out. I get insane tunnel vision every time I stand up, but this was something else. Scary, dude. Maybe I'll have an egg too, just to be safe.

forty.

Last post today, I promise!

So I've been dancing so much today. Probably about an hour and a half total. I hardly ever dance period, so that's crazy for me. Hopefully it did something with my insides. Abs would be nice, haha. So here's what I've consumed today:

Fiber One bar x2 - 280
Hard-boiled egg white - 16

Total: 296

I had another Fiber One bar because my vision went almost completely black a couple of times, and this shortness of breath has really been freaking me out all day. I'm a MAJOR hypochondriac so this is a big issue. Still, under 300 is fine. I've been going up 100cals a day for the past three days without even realizing it. That amuses me. I told myself I could have a half cup of tuna fish with celery that my mom has in the fridge today, but having that extra FO bar knocked that out. Maybe tomorrow..

So, the past few days I've been obsessed with stepping on the scale various times throughout the day. Just for curiousity's sake. And earlier, in just undies, the scale told me 111. Obviously I won't believe it until tomorrow morning but really, how insane would that be?! After eating (everything but the egg white) and drinking a little more than a liter of water. And most of the dancing occured after that and I'll have a full night's sleep and...I'm getting ahead of myself. Breathe, Eedee. I'm just so excited at the prospect of only being a pound away from 110 tomorrow. I was hoping to make 110 my goal before I go away, but I might even get beyond that! Dear god. There is a seriously real possibility that I could reach my goal of 100 well before June, which is when I ideally wanted to be that small by. Obviously I'm going to go up in numbers a bit as my fat turns to muscle and stuff, but I am perfectly okay with that. I'll be hard and toned and PERFECT.

I'm way too excited for my own good right now. Watch, I'll get to another scale and it'll tell me I'm still 130. Oh my god, how cruel would that be! Yikes. Well, my BF is almost home from PA so I'm going to go get ready and go have myself a cuddle :)

Stay strong, bebes!

Eedee.

thirty-nine.

Do you guys get annoyed when I post two or three times a day? I hope not. I just feel the need to keep a super detailed account of what's going on. For you guys as well as myself. Hope I'm not clogging up your boxes too much :/

So far today I've had a 140cal Fiber One bar. I felt I needed something with substance, not just fruit. My chest was feeling really tight and I've been having a slightly hard time breathing for the past couple of days. So I felt some noms were in order. It definitely helped, but that was a few hours ago so..yeah. Maybe some hard-boiled eggs or clementines later. Sounds like a plan.

Oh my god, my house smells like bacon. My mom was making some a little while ago and she asked me to turn it and make sure it came out just right. And I loooove bacon. But the dominant part of me didn't even want it! I was shocked. Being thin is so totally worth skipping some greasy, fatty bacon that would probably upset my stomach anyway. Oh, and my dad just called and asked what I wanted in the car for the drive to Florida. I'm like "Uh, I dunno. Maybe an apple or peach or nectarine or something. Fruit, really." And he was like uh..okay. Waiting for me to say more or add in some delicious junk food that would surely love to attach itself to my midsection and hips. But I just said that and water. He's all asking if I don't want salted nuts or soda or something. And I'm like dude, I haven't liked soda since I was a toddler. And I can just imagine how much salty nuts would bloat me up. Yeah, that's EXACTLY what I want before slipping into a bikini for a week. Not.

Completely random sidenote: I'm watching a repeat of the Kids Choice Awards on Nickelodeon and Justin Bieber is performing right now. And I'm surprised. You can tell he's actually singing, and it doesn't sound half bad. Do your thing, fifteen-year-old pop superstar.

As far as exercise, I got the bike down and rode around my block once (which was harder than I would like to admit) before it started to rain. It's way too damn cold right now too, so I gave up on that pretty fast. I've been doing leg lifts, stretches, and dancing like a FOOL all day as well. I'm sure I've burned off the 140cals from earlier. All in all, I'm feeling pretty good today! BF won't be home for a while, so until then I'm going to chill out in my room. And continue my random dancing every now and then to get my heart rate up :)

Hope everyone's weekend is going as good as mine!

Eedee.

thirty-eight.

I can't remember the last time I was so happy. Weighed naked a little bit ago and the scale blinked up at me: 112.

Oh.My.God. I guess the scale was right yesterday. I must have lost a whooole bunch of water weight, as well as some period bloat. I am so freaking ecstatic right now. Seriously?! I've lost like, eight pounds in a week. A WEEK! I am goddamn Superwoman, dude. I can see it too. My stomach almost doesn't bulge out at all. Still have a way to go until I'm confident in my body, but wow. This definitely boosted me up a whole lot. I weigh less than I did my sophomore year of high school! And my BMI is officially under the 20 mark! 19.2, baby! :D

I'm actually looking forward to going to buy a bathing suit and shorts for vacation. How's that for amazing? Because I actually think I might look halfway decent. But just halfway ;)

I asked my mom's boyfriend to get my bike down in the garage. He's going to walk the dog, then we're going to get my car from the shop, THEN I guess he'll do it. Rawr. Hopefully it'll have warmed up a bit by then, the sun being up for a while and all that. I haven't been outside but I assume it's as cold as yesterday. No bueno. BF comes home from PA today, but I don't know what time. Hopefully not until after noon so I have some time for biking. That would honestly just make my day that much better.

I'm on top of the world today, beauties!

Eedee.

thirty-seven.

I love watching movies about obesity. I get some kind of perverse pleasure out of it. Honestly, I love documentaries period. Especially ones that deal with why we as humans do what we do.

Side note: I didn't realize how many calories are in bananas. 134 for a cup?! Are you SERIOUS?! Someone please tell me this is some cruel jape manufactured by the bastards who wrote The Calorie Counter For Dummies. Seriously? I thought I was doing awesome today, until I saw that. Sigh.

I've never recorded my calories and what I've eaten on here before, so let's see how it goes.

Banana - 134 (cruel universe!)
Clementine - 35
Hard-boiled egg white - 16

Total: 185

And to think, if I had just grabbed a clementine instead of that banana, I would be at 86 right now. Sigh.

thirty-six.

My scale is a lying son of a bitch. It's really pissing me off. Today I woke up and it said I weighed 113 pounds. NO. FUCKING. WAY. I did NOT lose three and a half pounds since yesterday morning. It's not even possible. I've been checking back regularly throughout the day and it still says the same thing. I made my mom step on it and she said it was accurate for her. But it has to be something with me. Because it is not physically possible that I lost that much in that short amount of time. Ugh. I HATE my scale! It's not even that it gets my hopes up. Because I know it can't be right. Otherwise it's been giving me bogus numbers all week and just now decided to randomly be accurate. It's the freaking demon scale from hell, dude! So I refuse to believe this and we'll just have to see what it says tomorrow. That's what I'm basing it on. Tomorrow.

It's a little after 4PM and I've had a banana. I would love beyond belief to believe the devil scale, but I don't. So I'm treating today like I didn't lose anything since yesterday. That way I'm safe in case I actually haven't lost anything. And if the scale is actually correct (which would mean I mutated into some insane fat-burning machine when I was asleep) I'm ahead of the game and today can only help. I've been doing sets of 10 leg lifts throughout the day. I was hoping to go on an intense bike ride (since I can't run) but all the bikes are hanging from the roof in the garage and I can't get them down. Besides that, it was fucking FREEZING this morning when I wanted to go. So I did some housework, danced up a storm for about fifteen minutes before my shower, and stretched and stuff. Not nearly enough, but I'm tired and weak and kind of achey and nauseous. I can suck in all my gross fat and see more defined ribs though, so that's good :)

All I'm allowing myself for the rest of the day is two clementines. I'd love to try one of the Fiber One bars my mom has in the kitchen, but I'm hesitant to have too much fat after restricting so hard for the past two days (and fasting the day before that). I kind of slipped yesterday with the ice cream but I'm determined not to do that again. Don't want my body storing all kinds of jiggley fats for later!

Stay strong, beauties. You'll rock those bikinis before you know it ;)

Eedee.

EDIT: And now my scale decides to tell me 114.5, AFTER I went to the bathroom. I'm wearing jeans now though so maybe it's them? Or maybe my scale's actually recalibrated or something and that's what I actually am? Argh, this is so frustrating! I do look better today, though. My gross fat stomach sticks out much less. I'm hoping it's 114.5. Two pounds I MIGHT be able to believe. Like I said before, tomorrow morning shall decide :)

thirty-five.

So, I caved and had not one, but two Skinny Cow ice pops. Only 80 cals each so it's not TOO bad, but still. I wanted to just get by on the apple. Rawr. About 200 cals for today. BF is going to PA tomorrow for some work so I'm going to try to get some exercise in. Running is awkward due to the femme issues, but maybe some crunches, rope jumping, leg lifts, and various stretches and such to prepare. The two days before I leave I'm going to be running up a storm. I'm meeting a friend for the first time in FL so I want to look as good as possible :)

Hope everyone's doing fantastic!

Eedee.

thirty-four.

A bit of advice: avoid fasting while on your period if possible. Holy crap, dude. I feel so much weaker and my head has been killing me since I woke up yesterday. It is testicles.

So, I'm 116.5 today! Yay! I was honestly shocked how easy it was to fast yesterday. Having something big like a vacation you want to look good for really gives you that extra bit of willpower you need. I loved it. I fasted for 40 hours total. I had an apple about an hour ago. That, and seriously the tiniest bite of cake you can ever imagine. It was so small it barely fit on two tines of the fork. I crushed it to the roof of my mouth and it was gone. So that's okay. And that's all I'll be having today. If I wasn't bleeding I think I could have just fasted until tomorrow and made it a solid 60 hours, but I just feel such like crap. I'm hoping to see 116 tomorrow. That'll be the lowest I've been so far in my journey. If I reach 115 before vacation, all the better. The place we're going to is a timeshare and my mom thinks it'll have a fitness room, so that makes me happy. I can wake up early every day and get in some exercise before we spend the whole day doing other exercise-y things :D

My goal is to be 113 when I get home on April 11th. Or, if I get below 115 before I leave (oh my god, how amazing would that be?!), two pounds less than what I was when I left. We're going to be walking all over the place and swimming and having good outdoor-type fun so this should be no issue whatsoever. ESPECIALLY if they have a fitness room.

I told my mom I was taking the scale with me to Florida. You guys, I seriously wish you all could have seen her face. She looked at me like I had completely lost my mind and was like "What?!" Because I am completely unwilling to go down and just hope I'm staying on track. I don't trust myself that much. Everyone knows I'm trying to lose more weight and tone up and stuff, so it doesn't sound as bad as it would if I was trying to hide it.

Oh man, only six more days and I'll be gone! It's been so freaking cold and rainy here lately, so I'm looking forward to this even more. Ahh too excited!

Eedee.

thirty-three.

I'm still 118 today. And I count myself lucky. I completely lost my mind last night. In addition to the three bowls of cereal I had early, I had a Lean Pocket (as predicted), a Skinny Cow ice cream bar, and two pieces of fucking cold pizza. Little pieces, since it was from a small frozen pizza. But ugh. I was sure I would have gained. Today I absolutely mean NO FOOD. I have been giving myself way too much wiggle room lately. And I mean the wiggle part literally. Or perhaps jiggle room would be more appropriate, since that's what my entire body does whenever I move. Disgusting.

Oh, and my boyfriend discovered that mustard on cold pizza is delish. To him. It personally disgusts me.

I want to be 115 by the end of the month. That is my goal. It should be no problem, since I was only a pound and a half away when I started eating everything in existence. I have a week to lose three pounds. Oh wait. Shit. I just realized that I'll stop bleeding on the 30th. Fuck. That won't work since I'll be carrying bloat weight. Argh. Well I'm going to shoot for it anyway. By April 2nd, I will absolutely be 115. Watch me.

Eedee.

EDIT - OH. MY GOD. My dad just called me and asked if I wanted to go to Florida for a week. April 2nd until the 10th. I don't think it's any coincidence that I decided not one hour ago to be 115 by the date we leave. The universe is rewarding me for my resolve and determination. I've wanted to go to Florida ever since I got back last summer. This is so awesome! I HAVE to look good for the beach. Oh man. And I get to go shopping because I don't even own bathing suits that fit. Or shorts for that matter. Oh my god, I am so excited!

thirty-two.

First off, I would like to say thank you to all my followers and the people who've been supporting me for the past few months I've been on here. I feel like you guys believe I can do this, even when I've lost all faith in myself. You mean more to me than you know :D

I'm 118 today. I'm sure some of it is from the awful bingefest yesterday, but I'm attributing a little bit of it to period bloat as well. Because it makes me feel better. I had three bowls of Special K this morning at like 11AM. I have to stop getting it. I love it to death, but I always eat way too much of it when I have it. In two days I ate the entire box. By myself. That is unacceptable. I suppose the good news is it's gone and I can't have any more even if I wanted it. It's been 8 hours since I had it and I'm not the least bit hungry. My mind is trying to convince me I want to eat something, but the only reason is I want to eat something yummy. And that's no reason to stuff my fat face with noms.

I've been trying to think of some way to regulate how I eat. Like, more than usual. And I think what I'm going to go with is the Rule of One. Anything I eat, I can only have one of. One bowl of cereal, one Lean Pocket, one scoop of frozen yogurt. Because I'm weak and gross and know I'll eat shit even when I don't want it and will hate myself later. One piece of pizza, one cookie, ONE FUCKING FROZEN ECLAIR. Fruits and veggies are exempt from this rule. As are eggs, but not toast. Toast can be evil. Obviously, I'm going to try to eat as little of this garbage as possible, but I realize I'm a weak, fat pig and will eat whatever my stupid mind tells me anyway. Ugh, even as I form it up in my mind I know I'm going to fail. My brain is so negative. My entire world is negative.

And now I'm fucking hungry. I wasn't before, but thinking of all this crap makes me want a damn Lean Pocket. I'll probably eat one whenever BF decides to make food for himself. I am so weak. I'm going to try and get some kind of fat blocker and/or metabolism booster once I get some money. Hopefully that's soon. God knows I need it. And BF and I might split the cost of a gym membership. Apparently you can get one for two people for a deal. Definitely interested.

Hope everyone's doing wonderfully. AKA better than me. Good luck, beauties.

Eedee.

thirty-one.

Down to 117 today :D

Well, I was. I don't know what it is. I'm desperate to get down where I want to be, but the other part of me just doesn't care. I'm just like, whatever. This won't do any real damage to my loss. Might as well eat it. Besides, I want it. But that's not good! Ugh. I'm trying to eat whatever I'm going to have in a day earlier so I have more time to burn it off during the day. I feel like that's why I lost a pound and a half since yesterday even though I ate a bit of steak and ice cream (even though the ice cream was only 80cals). Oh, and I ate an apple last night instead of more ice cream. So that made me a bit happier.

Today I've had too much. I had five (FUCKING FIVE!) bowls of Special K, another ice cream bar, and three crackers with Laughing Cow cheese. I'm going to round up and say 800cals for all the cereal (ohmyfuckinggod), 80 for the ice cream, and 95 for the crackers and cheese. So right now I'm at 975cals for the day. Oh my fucking lord. Almost 1000 calories and all I've had is cereal, ice cream, and crackers. No wonder I'm so damn unhealthy. Tomorrow is no food. Nearly 1000 calories in one day is unacceptable. I've realized once again how much fat I still have to lose. Every piece of me jiggles. I'm soft and mushy and fucking disgusting. I start bleeding tomorrow so I'm sure to bloat and feel even worse about myself anyway. Rawr. I wish laxatives could be taken every other day without all the risks. I'm making myself wait until after my period is over to take more. Like I need laxie pain on top of cramps.

So yeah. Two more pounds until my first goal of 115! I can't wait. Today probably put me back a little bit but hopefully tomorrow will make up for it. BF and I love these frozen mini chocolate eclairs, but they're absolutely terrible for you. So I'm making myself wait and we'll have them to celebrate my reaching my goal. And that'll be all I consume that day (maybe a piece of fruit or veggie to be a bit healthy) since it's redic caloric. Oh man, just two more pounds :D

Eedee.

EDIT: Oh. My. God. I hate myself so much right now. BF just brought the box of eclairs in the room. The reward for me reaching 115. And we ate them. Arrrrrgh! His grandmother had five and there are 30 in the box so I figure I had about..12 or so. That's another 560 calories for today. That is a grand total of 1535 calories for the day. None of which was anything particularly healthy. I'm taking back what I said before. Laxies tomorrow, in addition to NO FUCKING FOOD! God, I just got back to 117 and I'm fucking ruining it already. I fucking hate myself. I'm so WEAK.

thirty-point-five.

Not a real entry, I just wanted to say that I love
sophie. That links to her blog, btw. I'm feeling extremely unloved by my BF right now (his friend has been here since I got here and they've been playing games and watching videos and I've been virtually ignored) and her comment made me smile a lot. Thank you for making my day a little better :)

Eedee.

thirty.

Back to 118.5. Still huge but better than 120, I suppose. Took 4 laxies yesterday so that helped. I'm afraid I'm starting to rely on them. Like, I know I can pop a couple when I eat too much and it'll clean it out before it can stick to me. I'm kind of bothered by it, but at the same time I depend on it. I would have lost more if I didn't fucking eat so much yesterday. I honestly forget what I had earlier in the day (a first. I never forget a thing that goes into my mouth) but I ended it with way too much spaghetti and meat sauce last night. It was delish, but so not worth it. Ugh.

Today I had a small steak eaten cold before I went to the doctor. And I just had a Skinny Cow ice cream bar at 80cals. So I'm going to say between 380 and 400cals today. Because I don't know what cut or exactly how much steak there was. Or what kind of beef it was. Ugh. Leftovers will be the death of me. 400 isn't bad. I might have another ice cream bar later. I'm freaking starving.

In other news, I started therapy today. I'm glad to finally get that ball rolling. I'm seeing a psychiatrist in about two weeks to get a script for whatever they want me to take. The therapist said she wants to put me on antidepressants, which was completely expected. She questioned me about my weight loss, since I had to fill out forms with that shiz on it. I'm still fat enough that no one thinks there's anything wrong with me dieting. I disgust myself. Next time she wants to work on my negative thinking and self-image. Oh boy.

How's everyone else doing?

Eedee.

twenty-nine.

I am disgusting. I'm back to 120, and I deserve every ounce. Five bowls of cereal, a Lean Cuisine chicken-ranch flatbread sandwich, a few cups of banana spilt flavored frozen yogurt, and six or seven White Castle cheeseburgers. I am a huge disgusting whale and I deserve to feel as gross as I do today. I am eating NOTHING today. If I can't manage to consume nothing after that disgusting display yesterday, I deserve to be fat.

On a better note, I paid 2/3 of my cell phone bill (so now they won't turn it off) and the guy at the store complimented my outfit. It made me happy :)

BF and I are walking to the mall again later, then we'll walk to his friend's house to hang out later. So I'll burn a bit and put nothing new in. I wish I could lax but that's not possible with stuff going on. Maybe tomorrow if nothing happens today. White Castle usually makes it way through me faster than this, so I'm pretty upset. I feel all bloated and gross. Feels like I'm back to 150. Ugh.

It's over 70 degrees outside and there's not a cloud in the sky. Get outside and enjoy the day, beauties!

Eedee.

twenty-eight.

I'm down two pounds, back to 118 :)

I was seriously hoping for a two pound loss so this makes me happy. I haven't had anything since about 4PM yesterday (I'm terrible at keeping time) and I'm hoping to continue to have nothing for the rest of the day. If I'm particularly weak, there's some 80cal yogurt in the fridge. But I'm trying to avoid that. BF is taking a shower, then we're off to take a walk to the mall. It's about three miles away, so that's about seven miles of walking after you count the time we'll spend in the actual mall. I'm excited. It's gorgeous outside and we've been wanting to walk for a while :D

On a different note, I'd like to complain about my stupid body (as if that's anything new). How in the world is it possible that, at 5'4" and 118lbs, I am STILL between a 7 and 9 in pants?! I've read about people at my size that are wearing anything from zeroes to threes! And I'm still this gigantic whale with huge ass jeans? It's just insane. I don't understand it at all. The only thing I've been able to think of is that my body is just burning all my muscle and I am literally 90% fat. There is no other explanation. It's driving me crazy.

Eedee.

twenty-seven.

I'm sorry for disappearing on everyone like I did. I've been going through a lot of shit lately. Not the least of which has been freaking ballooning back up to 120 pounds. I've been stuffing my face like it's going out of style. Even today, which I told myself would be my return to restriction, I ate a can of Chef Boyardee, three mini dessert cakes with strawberries and whipped cream, and BF and I split a half pound of American cheese. My eating habits are just redic. I took two laxies but they haven't done much yet. Hopefully I'll clean out before bed and then that'll be that. I'd like to take more tomorrow but I've been having issues with my stomach again lately. They never really go away but they've been worse lately. The doctors are pretty sure I have Crohn's disease. My mom has it so I'm predisposed and I'm of the right age for it. I have an appointment at the clinic on the 22nd and I'm going to get a referral for a gastroenterologist. Ugh. Then later that same day I finally have a psych appointment. We'll see how that goes.

Part of why I've been so M.I.A. lately is my mother. She has legit been driving me insane. We fight every time I go home and she gets on me for every single thing. Makes me feel even worse about myself and my life, which I don't need any help doing. Last night and today she's been telling me if I'm going to continue like I have been I need to find a new place to live. She gets child support from my father every month and she refuses to spend any of it on things I actually need. That was the last big fight we had and the reason she very well might actually kick me out. I don't know where I'd go. I don't have a job and literally only have a dollar in my wallet. And that's the change from when my friend paid for my gas the other day. Because my mom doesn't think she's responsible for that either. I hope this doesn't make me sound like a spoiled brat. Honestly, it couldn't be farther from the truth.

I'm not eating anything until tomorrow afternoon. Later if I can manage it. I've filled myself with so much garbage lately it shouldn't even matter. My stomach is literally tied in knots right now. Thank you, gods of laxatives. I hope you all forgive me for my absence. I missed you :)

Eedee.

twenty-six.

Despite consuming three pieces of Popeye's chicken, a side of mac and cheese, and a piece of bacon, I have once again woken up to 117 pounds. I mean, I'm glad I'm not gaining but it seems strange to me. Ah well. We didn't see Alice yesterday, so we're going in about two hours. Excited!

Haven't had anything to eat since about 5PM yesterday. I figure I'll have something small after the movie, which will be completing another 24 hour fast. Love these things, dude.


It's beautiful outside and I'm stuck inside watching boys play video games. I kind of hate it. Had another fight with my boyfriend and a huge one with my mom. I want to murder her. And I know I'm depressing BF so much. I hate myself even more for it. He deserves so much more than what I can give him. I'm so selfish. I won't let him go because I absolutely love him, and would probably fall to pieces without him. Honestly, I've been spending more time reconnecting with friends lately because I can feel him getting sick of me. I just know he's going to leave me soon, and I need a support system for when he's gone. Because it's going to kill me.


Enjoy another beautiful day, beautiful girls!


Eedee.

twenty-five.

So yesterday I said I was going to eat cereal until I died. Didn't quite get there, but I did have three bowls of Honey Nut Cheerios, then later a bowl of Kix and two bowls of Rice Krispies. Small bowls, but still much more than I've been consuming lately. Then last night I went to a party. There were about eight of us, and I hadn't seen anyone in sooo long. Oh, and there was a midget there. He was mad cool. My friend and I beasted at beer pong (played with Mike's Hard). I consumed..too many calories from liquids. I had three or four bottles of Mike's and about half a cup of Everclear mixed with Gatorade. So yesterday wasn't good calorie-wise, but I woke up this morning and I was still 117. So..worth it, I guess. And one of my friends commented on how I've lost weight :)

Today I'm going to see Alice In Wonderland in IMAX 3D! And then we're gonna watch the Oscars tonight. I love movies, so I'm super excited! Not worrying about calories and food too much today. This weekend is my cheat weekend. I'm not going to go crazy, but I'm going to let myself enjoy the rest of it :)

Now get off your computer and go outside, my beautiful East Coast skinnies. It's gorgeous!

Eedee.

twenty-four.

So I had what amounted to near complete emotional breakdown last night. I was doing amazingly well. Hadn't had a thing to eat since 2:30PM the day before and it was 9PM so I'd be sleeping in a few hours and wouldn't eat until 2:30 the next day, completing a full 48 hour fast. But no. I had to lose my mind and I ate about a cup and a half to two cups of tuna fish. It wasn't particularly mayo-saturated and I didn't have bread or anything, so it wasn't completely out of control. And better than the chips I almost grabbed before I regained my sense. I fasted for 31 hours (which I'm proud of) and actually emptied a good portion of my colon, yet the scale blinked up 117 pounds this morning. REALLY? I nearly passed out and felt sick all day and I didn't lose ANYTHING?! It's such bullshit. I don't care today. BF went to get milk and when he gets back I'm eating Honey Nut Cheerios until I die.

In other news, my dad told me he won't pay for even the first month of my gym membership. You guys don't even know how much I was counting on that. He said he would. But he said it's too expensive and he doesn't think I'd use it. I can't even believe it. He told me to find someplace that charges $20 a month. There are no places like that! I live in fucking New Jersey, nothing is cheap here! So now I'm fucked. Awesome.

I completely broke down to my boyfriend last night and told him how much I hate myself. One of the texts I sent him read: "I don't hate you. Do you really think I do? I fucking hate myself. I think you're going to flirt with everyone and leave me for someone better because it's what you fucking should do! Why do you put up with my shit? I don't do anything but make you fucking miserable. Can't you see I'm not worth this? God you're blind, thinking I hate you. I LOVE you. It's myself I can't stand." Because he told me to stop hating him and a bunch of other stuff. Rawr. I had a bad night. Sorry I'm not more inspiring.

Eedee.

twenty-three point five.

So I was checking my email and totally forgot I emailed this picture from my phone yesterday. Since I'm vain and narcissistic despite my body issues, I decided I wanted to show all of you a small portion of myself. Upon closer inspection, I feel like it looks like I have a hump. Like, mini-Quasimodo starting at the back of my neck. Ew. My posture sucks. Ah well. Judge accordingly, since I know I will.

EDIT (Since I can't justify a third post so close together :P): If anyone out there is having some..er..bowel issues and doesn't like/can't take laxatives, you should try stool softener. I was scared of taking too many laxies so close together, so I tried Phillips Stool Softener and it definitely works. You can take 1-3 pills a day (I take one) and it says it usually works between 12 and 72 hours. Definite recommendation. My stomach is so much smaller now, haha. Sorry for the nastiness, just thought it might be able to help someone else :)

Eedee.

twenty-three.

UGH! I typed up this huge long post and my computer fucking errored and lost it all! Piece of shit, dude...

So twenty-three is my lucky number. Has been since I was a kid. Just felt like throwing that out there. Oh, BF and I watched 2012 today. I'm terrified of the end of the world now. I want to learn how to fly a plane, fire a gun (for the zombie apocalypse!), and survive in the wild. I feel this is vital to my life. Speaking of BF, I read his text messages today. I have trust issues like whoa. I know it's bad and I'm a terrible girlfriend for doing it. But I'm just so pissed right now. He told his ex-girlfriend he wanted to cuddle with her and there was something about undressing but I didn't follow it. I'm just...wow. He really almost had me convinced I was special and he'd never felt like this about anyone else before. It sucks.

I gained half a pound and am now back to 117. It's because I caved and had two bowls of Special K Red Berries yesterday. About 500 calories, give or take. It disgusted me too much to count exactly. I hate myself for it. It still amazes me how caloric cereal is, by the way. It's insane. Whole milk is my weakness and my downfall. So today, I'm consuming nothing more than the two sliced kiwis I brought to BF's house.

Side rant: It's really irritating how there's no set calorie count for non-processed foods. The other day I looked up kiwis and it said they were 34 calories each. Now I have The Calorie Counter For Dummies and it says they're 56 each. Really now? I wish I had a food scale so I could measure exactly how much I'm eating. Because this is driving me insane.

I'm about an hour and a half away from completely another 24 hour fast, since I ate the devil cereal at 2:30PM yesterday. I like these. I'm going to keep doing them for sure, and I recommened them to people who may be having problems sticking to longer or stricter fasts right off. Even when I do eat I stick to 500 calories and under. It's been working for me quite well. Er, except when I fail. I might try to push this fast a little longer if I can. Just don't want to slip and eat something other than the fruit. That's my goal for today. Eat nothing but the kiwis. Or, at the very absolute most if I'm feeling weak, another piece of fruit. But that is ALL.

I hope everyone is getting off to a great start forthe weekend today! Let me know how you're doing!

Eedee.

twenty-two.

Down another half pound to 116.5 this morning! My scale tried to sabotage me though. First time I stepped on it, it said I was 114.5. Right away, I got pissed. Because there's obviously no way I can lose 2.5 pounds since I weighed myself after getting home at 11PM. Eight hours is not enough time for that much loss. So I petted my cat, brushed my teeth, and tried again. And got 116.5. Much more reasonable, and what I expected. I've been losing half a pound per day for the past three days. Definitely proud of myself after how rancid I was last week. A pound gone every two days is fine with me. Continuing at this pace, I will be down to the lowest weight I can actually remember in three days. I was 115 my sophomore year of high school, 2005. Five years ago. And I was dissatisfied with that because I'd gained weight after I quit running track. So obviously I was unhappy weighing that much. Proof I have to go lower.

So I've decided to keep going with this 'eating once every 24 hours' thing I've been doing. For the past three days I've eaten only between 6 and 7PM, just once. Because 5PM-9PM is the hardest time for me concerning wanting to eat. I'd like to eat something healthier than Lean Pockets, but it's really hard with being at my boyfriend's house all the time. I feel awkward whenever I ask him if I can keep food in his fridge or freezer. Like I'm forcing my way into his life. I wish I had a mini-fridge I could just stick in the corner of his room to keep shit in. That'd be bad too though. Easy access and all that.

I've been dying to try a spinach, tomato, bell pepper, and cheese omelette lately. I've never had spinach but I know it's amazingly good for you, same with bell peppers. I tried a bite of a green one raw once and it tasted bitter to me for some reason. But I've had tiny chunks of peppers and onions on supreme pizzas before and I liked it well enough. I'm trying to be healthier because I've just felt like shit lately. And I suspect it's due to a lack of nutrients. Rawr. I also feel like trying some quinoa (dying to try this, actually) and hard boiled eggs. And more fruit and raw veggies, really. Pretty much just want to be healthier. Because even when I do eat it's processed stuff like fucking Lean Pockets and cereal with the dreaded whole milk.

In other news, my boyfriend's friend is coming to visit this weekend. He's getting here tomorrow and he'll be going back home on Tuesday. He lives an hour and change away in Pennsylvania. I like him well enough and we all laugh and get along and have fun when he comes. The only thing is, we eat like SHIT. There's this great pizza place down the road that BF loves and his friend always buys a huuuuge pie and we all share. We've also been known to pick up craves cases from White Castle (30 burgers! oh my lord), redic amounts of fast food, and pretty much anything else you can think of that's horrible for your body, not to mention your diet. I like when he visits but I'm dreading it so bad. I've got some stuff to do tomorrow and Saturday though, so I'm hoping they'll do a lot of the horrid eating while I'm gone. Except Saturday one of my best friends is coming up from Florida for spring break (we went to high school together but she goes to college down there) and I've already agreed to drink with her and a bunch of other friends I haven't seen in months. Hello, empty calories! I get tipsy really fast though so it shouldn't be too bad. But argh. I know I'm going to eat some of that greasy pizza BF's friend is going to buy. It's so fucking delish. So today I'll have the other Lean Pocket (220cals) and only eat ONE piece of the devil pizza whatever day we get it. Tomorrow morning I'll beg my mom to go to the food store and we'll get some fresh fruits and veggies and I'll just have to suck it up and take some of his fridge space.

Down a pound and a half already this month, well on my way to my goal! How's everyone else doing so far?

Eedee.

twenty-one.

I wish they had The Biggest Loser for people who aren't morbidly obese. I've been thinking about wanting to go to some kind of bootcamp for a few weeks to get in amazing shape in no time flat. But I literally wish they had a BL fitness camp. That would be beyond insane.

As of half an hour ago, I have officially completed a 24 hour fast! I'm proud of myself, and rightfully so I feel. These are so hard for me. I feel like I need to trick my body into it by not saying I'm actually fasting and just waiting longer with full intention to eat. So my total is 220 for the day. Hopefully this will show on the scale tomorrow :)

Eedee.

twenty.

Down another half pound this morning to a solid 117 :D

And this despite being weak as a freaking child and eating four bowls of stupid cereal yesterday. Broken up into two different times but still. Definitely went over the 500 calories I've been subconciously wanting to maintain. But that's different today. If I MUST eat, I've got some Lean Pockets in my boyfriend's freezer. Supreme pizza ones too. Mmm they were the lowest calorie ones out of the five or so boxes in my freezer. Still 220 each (ugh!) but even if I fail beyond all recognition and eat both, that's still under 500. I'm aiming for only eating one though. I'm starving right now but trying to put off eating until at least 3PM. My boyfriend is taking a nap and I'm too nervous to try to make stuff in his kitchen anyway so this is helpful :)

My short term goal right now is to be down to 113 by the end of March. I've already lost a pound, so that'd be a five pound loss for this month. If I lose five a month, I'll be down to 103 (which is the high end of my UGW) by the beginning of May. Then I'll still have time to decide where I want to go from there before it gets super hot and tiny clothes are unavoidable. And gives me an entire month to lose the extra three pounds to meet my goal off 100lbs by June 1st. I like planning. Planning is good.

Hopefully I'll get to see my dad next week and he'll give me the money I need to start at the gym. I asked him to get me a year's membership for my birthday this year. It's 21, which is a big one, so I thought I could ask for a bigger gift. Only I asked him for it to start now so I could be in shape by the time summer and my actual birthday come around. He said he'd pay for the first month and then wants me to tell him how much I actually went to see if it's worth it. Because I have a long and sordid history of never finishing anything I've EVER started. I plan on going six days a week, for two hours or so at a time. Obviously to be edited once I start and see how much my body can even take. I'm so out of shape it's insane. But obviously I'm going to go and he'll see it's worth it. I was hoping to see him this week, or this weekend at the latest but we're expecting MORE FUCKING SNOW so he said next week would be a better bet. Hate winter.

Hope everyone is doing beautifully!

Eedee.

nineteen.

117.5! Finally broke down to a new low! I was so freaking happy when that number flashed up at me. Took my measurements and I lost an inch and a half from my waist and two inches from under my bust in the past month. It sucks because I can't see it, but it's reassuring to know it's gone :)

I would love to fast for good and all today but I know it won't happen. So I cut up two kiwis this morning before I left my house. Gonna eat a few slices in an hour (noon) then munch the rest through the day. So I'll be consuming fairly regularly and still only putting in 68 calories in all. If I can stick to this, I will be beyond happy. And I'll definitely lose that extra half pound and be down to a nice 117 tomorrow morning :D

My boyfriend has a greasy, cheesey personal pizza right next to me. It smells like heaven and hell combined. I'm stronger than dough and cheese and grease and fat. I can do this.

Eedee.

eighteen.

My fast lasted 21 hours. Not too bad considering how I've been eating lately. Had to cave and eat a small bowl of Rice Krispies and Honey Nut Cheerios. I couldn't decide which was better. They both seemed bad in large doses. So I mixed maybe half a cup of each and went with it. Actually stopped at one bowl. I'm proud of myself for that alone :D

Nearly a full day without food. Not perfect, but better than I have been lately. All in all, a good way to start the new month :)

Eedee.

seventeen.

It's a little after 5PM and I haven't had a thing to eat today. Only calories I've consumed period are 10 from a cough drop and maybe 30 from Benefiber. It's this powder you mix in your drink when you're not getting enough fiber. Which has been a major issue for me lately. So yeah. Let me say, Totally Light 2Go from 4C literally saves my life. Mix-ins for water with no calories, sugar, carbs, or anything. Pretty much pure vitamin C. I LOVE it. I've had it in fruit punch and lemonade flavors so far and they're both fantastic. You'd never guess it was water.

My boyfriend and I jacked some books from Barnes and Noble earlier (shush, jobless for two years) and I've been reading one for a few hours now. Two more of those Eat This, Not That books and a book on calorie counting that literally has EVERYTHING from tons of major restaurants. Condiments and everything. That made me happy. I feel like I don't want to eat anything but raw fruits and veggies for the rest of my life. Great personal thinspo. Finding out how much crap is actually in the things we eat. I love it.

I'd love to start the ABC once I have a little better handle on myself. I'm doing great today but I don't mistake that for control. Not one bit. I need to learn about healthier options before I can hope to succeed with a diet like that. Right now I'd fail miserably. I'm a picky eater already so that just makes it harder. Sigh.

In happier news my boy and I are going to hang out with a friend tomorrow, going to see Alice In Wonderland in IMAX 3D on Sunday, my period ends the day after tomorrow, and my ex (who I get along with and talk to every now and again) is playing a show with his band in Philly next month that I'm definitely trying to hit up. What am I saying, happier news? The fact that I'm actually having a successful fasting day so far is happy enough by itself! Wish me luck as I hope it continues :)

Eedee.