sixteen.

Wow, I'm bad with this blog. I don't know why that surprises me. I'm always bad with blogs.

I was down to 118 again today, but the scale kept flicking between that and 117.5. So I'm hoping I'll be down there tomorrow. That would be GREAT. I'm sick of being in the high teens. Bring on the low 100's already!

I've been having stomach problems galore lately. Nothing new. Emergency room twice with some Xanax to show for it. So that's good. It makes me happy :)

I tried on a pair of jeans my mom bought the other day. Size 7. Aaaand they fit me! I haven't lost a pants size in I can't even tell you how long. My legs have been losing weight but my hips and love handles (ugh!) stay the same size. I wear my pants super low, like below my hip bones, so I'm not going to lose sizes until I actually start working out for real. I ALMOST have a gap between my thighs. If I lose another centimeter on each leg it'll be clearly visable! That definitely made me happy. I've been eating mostly cereal lately. Unfortunately, I've been super weak lately too. Had McDonalds twice in the last week (ughhh), a huge brownie my mom made yesterday, and two tiny slices of cinnamon crumb cake I made my boyfriend today. So it baffles me that I'm actually still losing. I feel like my body loses more when I expect it to gain, and gains or stays the same when I expect to lose. It's..irritating to say the least.

Oh, and I got in a little car accident yesterday. My fault, no damage to the other person's car. But my front bumper is all cracked and it has to go into the shop soon. Rawr. I hope everyone out there is having a great weekend full of skinny jeans and empty tummies!

Eedee.

fifteen.

Having sex when you're waiting for laxatives to kick in is way weird. Just saying.

I was 121 last night. Down a pound and a half, which made me happy, but still not under 120, which pissed me off. I'm treating every day as my "last day of eating whatever before I start cracking down again". And that's unacceptable. I've come to the realization that I don't have the willpower to fast for any length of time right now. I've been going through some extreme personal shit and I just can't control the fasting. So my new goal is to eat under 500 calories for the next week. At least. We'll see where I go from there.

Have a great weekend, all you lovely little skinnies!

Eedee.

fourteen.

I feel like I just keep making excuses. The fast yesterday was so fail it's insane. We're just not going to talk about it. Today I got my laxatives and was planning on just cleaning myself out and not putting anything else in. Then I get to my boyfriend's house and he tells me we're going to Le Peep today. Which I guess is this super great restaurant he's been wanting to take me to for months. Arrrrgh! I like going out with him but good god. Why couldn't it be tomorrow? I was so gung-ho about today being the "starting over" day and now it's just shot to shit. Dammit.

I was 122.5 yesterday. Back to my starting weight for this whole fucking year. Four and a half pounds heavier than where I was the beginning of this month. It's disgusting. I have to get to a gym. My dad might pay for my first month to "see how much I actually use it". Wants to make sure it's worth it. I'll be there every damn day.

So I'm moving today's plan to tomorrow. Laxatives and nothing but water. Today I will consume nothing that isn't from the restaurant. Dammit.

Eedee.

thirteen.

Twenty-four hour fast. No food until tomorrow morning/afternoon. Possibility of becoming a 48 hour fast if I think I can handle it. One step at a time.

It's snowing again. So sick of it.

Eedee.

twelve.

Holy shit. I looked at the date and nearly had a heart attack. How the hell is it Friday already?! I mean, it just turned into Friday but still! Jesus. I've been stuck inside my house for two days straight because of this insane blizzard. It does not help matters.

I have a problem with food. As if that wasn't completely obvious. But not in that I want to eat less and less of it. I constantly have to shove food in my mouth. If I'm not completely occupied, I stray to food. My stomach has rumbled maybe three times in the past two days. Completely unacceptable. I eat for taste and texture and something to do with my hands. I've suspected for years that I have an oral fixation and I'm beginning to think it might actually be true. I'm glad I hate the smell of cigarettes or else I'd probably take that up too. I just...I can't say no. My brain just screams at me to eat something. It's so delicious, it's okay. You've lost so much, just eat as much as you want. And I do. I shudder to think of how many calories and how much fat I've absorbed in this past week. I've been avoiding the scale for days. Until tonight. My mom brought home cinnamon twists. I love them. I cut one in half and told myself I could only eat it if I wasn't disgusted by what the scale said. And my god. It read 118.5. Are. You. Serious. I know it has to be completely broken now. There is NO WAY that I can shove my face full of food near constantly for two or three days and only weigh half a pound more than my low weight. The only times I've moved was yesterday afternoon when I shoveled snow outside for maybe an hour and a half. That was it. Today I've left my computer for food and the bathroom. Nothing else. So there is no fucking way in the entire goddamn universe that I lost weight. I know I should be happy that it's that low, but it just makes me angry. Because I know it has to be wrong. And I feel like it's lying to me on purpose. Trying to get me to eat more and get fatter so when I finally get to a scale that works the number it'll say will just make me want to kill myself. It's fucking cruel.

Tomorrow I'm finally escaping my hell house for my boyfriend's again. We've got four movies to watch, one of them Blu-Ray, so it should be a good day. I love movies. A lot. And while I usually eat at his house, I'm still self-concious enough (or perhaps controlled enough) to not constantly be munching something. I won't promise tomorrow will be no food, but I'm sure as hell going to actually try. I won't lie. I have been putting in absolutely no effort to restrict myself lately. I've let my fat cells have control because I just couldn't bring myself to care about a damn thing. No more. Spring will be here before you know it and god fucking dammit I will be able to wear short shorts and a tank top and feel fucking amazing about myself. I have to.

Don't give up on me.

Eedee.

eleven.

I wonder how many times I have to fail before I just give up altogether. After vowing to myself, and all of you, that today would be a no food day, I just threw it out the window. Had two bowls of cereal with whole milk this afternoon. 540 calories for two bowls of fucking cereal. Maybe a little less because I always overestimate how much I have. Then, as I was leaving my boy's house, I started to shake. Just a fine trembling in my hands and I felt so. damn. weak. I legit felt like I would throw up and pass out. I have no idea why. It scared me. A lot. So I came home and had a clementine (which I read on someone's blog is considered to have negative calories because you burn more eating and digesting it than it starts with? can anyone confirm this?) and a Lean Pocket with 260 more calories. I don't feel bad about that because I was just freaked out by my body. I get lightheaded and headaches and stuff when I haven't eaten for a while, sometimes even a little nauseous. But I can't remember ever feeling as bad as I did an hour and a half ago. For no reason! I pigged the hell out for the past few days and then I had that damn cereal. Can you get a reaction like that from being dehydrated? Because the laxatives from yesterday (took four, which I've never done before) leeched a lot of water out of me and I only drank maybe half a bottle today. Hmm.

Haha, I just added the calories for today and my mind went insane. Because I got over 1000. Went back and looked at the cereal and was like..there is no WAY two bowls of cereal is over 800 calories. I seriously have to start carrying measuring cups around with me. I have no concept of portion size. I always think a cup is so kuch smaller than it is. It definitely makes me freak out.

So my stomach is killing me, my back and stomach keep gurgling and I feel like I have to shit more but nothing's coming out. More laxatives in a few days if it persists. Hope all of you out there are dloing better than me.

Eedee.

ten.

Back down to 119. Thank goodness. My insides hate me for it but it was so neccessary. Today is a NO FOOD DAY. I don't want anything else inside me. And with all the shit I've consumed lately it should be no big deal. I want to get back to 118 and finally drop below it.

I will be thin.

Eedee.

nine.

Laxatives make me want to die. Oh my god. Every time I take them I swear I'll never do it again. I have ongoing stomach/gastroenterological (or however you spell it) issues so it just destroys me.

My mom took me to the hospital last night because my stomach was bulging out scary far. It pretty much looked like a bowling ball stuck under my skin. It freaked her out and she freaked me out so we took the trip. First time I can remember going to the ER and not getting any needles stuck in me, haha. But the guy told me I was just super constipated. Said to take some laxatives and get some fiber-based thing to help "stay regular". I know this is gross, sorry. I don't abuse laxies or anything. I just keep them around for such an occasion. And damn...today is my own version of hell.

In other news, I am a huge failure. I've been stuffing my fat face with everything I could possibly find for the past few days. I've consumed (in the past two and a half days) nine nectarines, four clemantines, three bowls of cereal, two eggs, a piece of toast, and entire bag of Lays potato chips, two slices of supreme pizza (personal size), a mini chicken sandwich, mini burger, fresh banana pudding/smoothie, and most of a container of leftover roast chicken. OH. MY. GOD. I want to die. I'm back up to 121. I gained 3 freaking pounds in two days. I...I don't even know what to do. This is so unacceptable it's redic.

And on top of that, I am slowly but surely self-destructing. I went to my boyfriend's house and just cried in his lap for I don't even know how long. I couldn't stop. On the drive over I couldn't stop thinking how worthless I was and I just wanted to close my eyes and crash my car into whatever was closest. I've never been suicidal. I'm still not. But that was the first time I've had a destructive thought about myself in years that I actually wanted to happen. It scared me. My own brain terrifies me. I'm losing it. I'm just over everything. I want to be medicated for being crazy. I want a therapist to get all my shit out to. It can't all stay in my head any longer. It's ruining me.

There's almost a foot of snow outside and I want a nap. Hope everyone else is having a better day/week than me.

Eedee.

eight.

Oh hi there, Fatty McEats-A-Lot. So instead of waiting a while and having a small bowl of cereal later, I just downed a bowl of Special K Red Berries and another bowl and a half of Kix. With the fucking whole milk from hell. Approx. 560cals worth of cereal alone, then another 350 for the damn milk. Maybe a little high since I estimate the amount of cups but still..redic. And my mom has a whole rotisserie chicken sitting at home for when I get there. Ugh. Today is just a fail day. And I was doing so well.

Fuck it. I'm doomed to be fat.

seven.

Argh, my mom dragged me around multiple towns for like five hours today. Insane. I got super pissed and just aggravated with my day. Better now that I'm with my boy. He brings out the better side of me :)

Still at 118. Jesus. I'd kill to see that number go down a little bit tomorrow. Pretty much over it now. Went to the food store and loaded up on fruit, yogurt, and some zero-calorie mix ins for water. I tried one earlier and it's so good! Definitely better than Gatorade, haha. I've been having back and side pain all mornig so I ate a nectarine a few minutes ago. It was so freaking good. I'm glad I didn't bring any more because I'd totally lose control and eat as many as I could fit in my mouth.

I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow morning to check out this pain in my foot. I stepped on the prongs of my cell phone charger over a month ago and my heel has been messed up ever since. My mom said I might have a "planter's wart" or something. If I do they'd have to cut it out. Ugh. Putting adise the fact that warts are just gross, I hate getting shit cut out of me. I had to get a cyst removed from my shoulder a few years ago and it was just..weird. They used local anestetic so I was awake for the process. Freaky, dude.

I was aiming for today to be a fat-free day, nothing but fruits and fat-free yogurt. Then I found out there's fat in nectarines. What the fuck, dude. How can there be fat in freaking fruit?! That pissed me off. I had crappy-for-me Gatorade before the food store anyway. So I might cave and have some cereal later. Special K is my friend. Still fat-free, but my boyfriend only has whole milk. I love whole milk. I'm going to have to start weaning myself off and get to fat-free, but for the moment there's not much I can do. Le sigh.

six point five.

A couple of quizzes I found interesting.

On the Eating Attitudes Test I scored a 36.

Scores of 24 and up are considered to be high risk, or likely that you have an eating disorder. Nice to have it confirmed, I suppose. Er..as confirmed as a random "scientific" internet quiz can be.

And on the Anxiety Screening Test I scored a 44.

Scores of 38 and up are considered to be severe anxiety and extremely likely that you have an anxiety disorder. Already knew that but I was curious. I told my mom some of the thoughts that run through my head in common every day situations and she just looked at me like I was crazy. I see the world so differently than most people. I've been trying to make an appointment with the Behavioral Health department at the hospital but they're not returning my messages. Le sigh.

Just a couple fun little quizzes to see how messed up one really is, haha.

six.

118 is the magic number, apparently. Haven't gained or lost in two days, despite eating waaaay more than I would have liked. I'm grateful I haven't gone back up but I would kill to be down half a pound tomorrow.

I've been dissatisfied with my diet as of late. Diet as in what I actually consume. Of course I'd love to be like some of you out there and live on water and vitamins but I am the weakest of the weak. So I eat. I know my intake isn't so bad when I look at it from an outside standpoint. In the past six days I've only gone over 1000 once. Fucking Coldstone. The past three days have all been under 500. But the stuff I'm eating is crap. All carbs and sodium and FAT. I've been severely lacking in protein and fiber, which I know are usually what you want to consume the MOST of. So today I decided that I had to have some protein. Went to the mall with my boyfriend and headed to Wendy's. I should note that I have a serious fast food weakness. A few times in the past year I've sworn off fast food for a month or so at a time and it's just torture for me. The foods I like are all bad for me and full of shit I just straight up do not want in my body. But since it's cheap and I'm down to my last $20, I must suffer. Get a chicken sandwich, no fries and I'm feeling okay. Then my boy says, as we're waiting for the food, that I should have gone to Chik-Fil-A instead since they're probably a bit healthier. I was kicking myself because, of course he's right. Then he offers to eat the Wendy's sandwich so I can get the slightly healthier option. He knows I'm trying to lose weight and get in shape but not to the extent of what's really going on. So I go across the food court for another chicken sandwich. And of course they have fucking waffle fries. I'm not even that super hungry but I can't resist them. Argh. We get home and I wolf that shit down like they're paying me. I look up the nutritional info online and turn out he was right. The Chik-Fil-A Deluxe Chicken Sandwich (only reason it's deluxe is because of lettuce and tomatoes) is 410cal, while the Wendy's Homestyle Chicken Fillet is 470cal. Of course the freaking fries ruined what could have been an under 500 day with their 430cals of grease and fat. But I got what I wanted out of the day, which was 34g of protein :) Plus I burned about 400cals walking around the mall for a while and doing some less than savory things with aformentioned boy ;)

I was planning on waking up early this morning and going out for a short run before I started the day. But I wake up and there's snow everywhere! Not to mention it's freezing cold. This is the main reason why I need a gym. Or a treadmill in my house. I like running, but I freaking despise the cold. So I had to abandon that plan. Hoping to do some ab exercises when I go home in a little bit to work off some of the fast food I indulged in today. I feel guilty for not getting grilled chicken with veggies or something. That surely would have been better. But dammit, I need some fried chicken sometimes! It's seriously one of my biggest vices. Sigh. I have to wake up at 8AM tomorrow to drive my mom to the doctor's. I do not want to. I want to run and sweat and shrink. I'd like to get my bike down from where it's hanging in the garage but there's almost no point since the roads are kinda icy anyway. I HATE WINTER!

In other news, I got my first follower yesterday! Yay!

five.

I am fucking disgusting. I was feeling faint and floaty all day, so I decided to come home early and have a small bowl of oatmeal or something. Maybe a bite of chicken or beef for something of substance. I get home and just lose my mind. I ate a pint of grape tomatoes, a fat-free strawberry banana yogurt, and a fucking can of SpaghettiOs. The tomatoes and yogurt together would have been fine, just 143 calories. But NO. I have to eat the 360 calorie fucking SpaghettiOs. I am so disgusted with myself. I avoided the Lean Pockets in the freezer because it seemed redic to eat that little and add on 250 calories. I am stupid. Idiotic. And fat. So now I'm at a total of 528 calories, almost all of them consumed less than an hour before I go to bed. God, I can't even believe myself.

I was still 118 when I got home today. I'll probably be more when I wake up because of this stupid binge. I wanted to stay under 300 food calories, since the fucking Gatorade is a caloric nightmare. I'm poor as balls and asked my mom to buy water and let me find something to mix in it, but she refuses until all of the Gatorade is gone. I'm convinced she actually wants me to stay fat. She has medical issues and the medicines she takes make her gain weight. For a while we could share clothes but now hers are way too big for me and I feel like she resents me for losing weight while she just stays fat.

My boyfriend and I got one of those Eat This, Not That books today. Jacked it since we're both jobless and poor. It's the restaurant edition. All I can say is that the whole book makes me never want to eat again while simultaneously making me hungry. It's disgusting. Even the things they describe as being "good for you" are insane. 700 calorie meals are considered "good" just because they don't break the 1,000 mark. How fucked up is the world we live in when a meal totaling almost half the recommended amount of calories for a day is considered acceptable? I just don't get it.

four.

Still 118. Had 121 calories yesterday, and 52 so far today. Not counting my outrageously caloric Gatorade. I have to find something I can mix into water that doesn't taste blah. I don't drink water. I can't stand the taste of it. But these bottles of Gatorade are 200 calories for a 32 ounce bottle. It's insane. Stopped by Wal-Mart after my dentist appointment and finally got a tape measure so I can see if I'm actually losing any inches. Gonna do that when I get home from my boy's house.

I realized today that I am the lowest weight I've been since I ran track in high school. I mean, I guess I knew but it never really hit me. I've hovered around 130-145 for the past five years or so. So glad I'm finally going back down for real. Just need to get into the gym now.

three.

I am the salad nazi. Today was supposed to be a no food day to make up for yesterday's fail, but I've been dizzy and headachey all day. So I decided to make a salad. My mom and I went to the food store and argued for ten minutes because everything there was gross and nearly rotten. Finally got a head of lettuce and grape tomatoes. Sidenote: there were so many delish looking donuts and cupcakes and candy as we walked past. Urgh. Almost caved. Came home, measured everything out and was semi-satisfied with what I had (even though it still seemed too high). Then came time for dressing. Confession: I really dislike salad. It just feels wrong in my mouth. But I've forced myself to the point of semi-liking it. Only thing is, I use a lot of dressing. Much too much. I've been cutting down but it's still redic. And it has to be Ranch. So I pulled it out of the fridge and checked the nutritional info, which I think I avoided before because I just couldn't eat salad without it. And oh. my. freaking. god. 140 calories for 2 tablespoons?! Jesus Christ. I couldn't do it. I rummaged through my fridge and found some spicy Italian. Gross. Found fat-free Italian. It tasted bitter somehow. Poured it on anyway and decided to try. Took one more bite and couldn't stand it. I gave it to my mom and drove to a different food store to get fat free Ranch. Nowhere near as good as the real shit but I just could not bring myself to put that in my mouth. Two tablespoons of that contained more calories and fat than the entire rest of my meal. Disgusting. Only ate half of the salad anyway so I'm at 121 food calories for the day. And that's where I'm staying. I love this website, mydailyplate.com. It keeps track of your intake and fitness in the same place and it's so unbelievably easy. Even stuff you would never think of when trying to figure out how much you burned, like driving a car and food shopping. I love it.

In other news, I'm not going to the gym in the morning. My friend and I were going to go together and we had to print out these couponsto participate in the free week trial they have going on. I don't have a printer so it was on him. And he tells me at 8PM the night before that his printer has no ink. Ugh. So I'm going to just print my own coupon at my boyfriend's house tomorrow and go either tomorrow night or Wednesday morning. I can't stand putting it off anymore. It's insane. I know the main reason I've been avoiding it is because I'm afraid. I am terrified of social settings. Just thinking of going to a gym with a bunch of people I don't know and make a fool of myself trying to work out makes my knees shake. I'm so amazingly socially awkward and I have no idea why. I have to get over it though. Have to have to have to have to have to. I can't stand the fat on me. It needs to get the fuck off me.

Oh, my mom's boyfriend was watching me make my salad earlier. Asking me if that's how I lost so much weight. And I'm like sure. Then he said something or other and ended up asking me how much more weight I wanted to lose and why I wanted to lose anything else at all. Said I already had no ass (because my pants are so baggy that thye hide it, asshole. They used to be skinny jeans before my legs started shrinking). And it just made me more angry at him. Shut the fuck up and eat your greasy pork chops. Leave me alone and let me weigh whatever I want to. Obviously I'm not happy with what I'm at or I wouldn't want to lose any more. Jeez.

Tomorrow is my boyfriend, dentist, more boyfriend, and hopefully the gym. Depending on how early I can get home. This place is open 24 hours a day, but I have a feeling I need to show up during daytime hours to have someone show me what to do and where to go and stuff. I'm hugely nervous about that too. Walking in like an idiot not knowing what the hell to do. Do I show up in workout clothes or do I dress normal and bring my stuff in a bag? Who do I talk to about showing me around? Are there showers for after workouts, and are they public or do I need like, a towel or bathing suit or something?! I don't freaking know. This is my brain.

two.

Apparently my body is just weird. Doing nothing to burn off the likely 1000+cals consumed yesterday, I'm down a pound to 118. Don't get me wrong, not complaining in the least. Quite the opposite. I just feel..guilty. Like so many people have to work constantly to burn half a pound and I just magically keep shrinking. It's probably just my scale. It's completely crap. You get a different reading nearly every time and it only reads full and half pounds. So my weight isn't entirely accurate, I feel. Sigh.

It's my six month anniversary with my boyfriend today. And I am proud to say that he's the first boyfriend I've had in a long time that I weigh less than. He's not big in the slightest. He's 5'9", 130. His bones all stick out and there's not an ounce of fat on him. And I weigh less. Not that you could ever tell. I still look like a fat cow. Ergh.

I'm starting a free week-long trial at a gym tomorrow morning with one of my friends. He's trying to lose weight too. My mom told me there's no way we can afford the membership right now. I'm meeting my dad for lunch sometime next week (ugh, I always overeat around him) so I'm going to beg him to pay for it. He seemed really into it when I told him I wanted to get in shape last week so hopefully if I lay it on thick enough he'll cave. Fingers crossed.

Off to the boyfriend's house then home early to get enough sleep to wake up at 7AM for the gym. Rawr.

Hello world.

I never know how to start first posts. On anything. I'm not very good with introductions in general, I guess. I'm socially awkward, but only in my head. On the outside I'm perfectly friendly and fun to be around. I'm funny and love to goof off. I haven't been doing that much lately. Let's start over.

I'm twenty years old. I dropped out of college after one semester, which I only attended for about three weeks. I'm unemployed and completely dirt poor. My home life is miserable and I never know whether we're going to stay here or get kicked out (my mom and I live with her boyfriend, but they don't get along). I feel like a prisoner in my own head most of the time. Like my thoughts are moving too fast and I can't catch up. Worst of all, I feel like a fake even starting a blog like this. I'm not redic skinny or in any danger of dying. All I know is I have a constant struggle with my body, my self-image, and my weight. I want to be skinny enough to scare people. I want to look in the mirror and actually be happy with what I see. I want to stop grabbing handfuls of fat and just see myself as beautiful.

I've been losing weight for the past year. Never constantly, though most of it fell off due to starving and restricting over time. I've lost 43 pounds just by resisting food. I haven't excercised, though I'm starting at a gym this week. The weird thing is, I don't see it. I still feel like I look the same as I did at my highest. I know my face has thinned out and I can somewhat see my collarbone, but the rest of me has just stayed the same. I'm not totally insane either. At my highest, I wore a size 11 in pants. Now I waver between a 7 and a 9. I'm probably a 7 in truth but I haven't bought pants in a while. That just seems off to me. If I really lost as much weight as the scalesays, shouldn't I be wearing a 3 or 4 or something? It's absolutely maddening. I'm hoping that once I start to work out and tone up and actually HAVE MUSCLES instead of this gelatinous mess of fat, I'll shrink fast. If I don't..well we're not going to go there.

Towards the end of December/beginning of January, I got to the 120-123 range. And I just failed miserably. I was sick of starving. Sick of headaches, sick of feeling weak, just sick of everything. So I started eating normally, albeit a bit less than most people. I've managed to maintain the same weight since then. But I can't take it anymore. I look in the mirror and just despise what I see. I can't fathom why I would ever be satisfied to be what I am now. I am disgusting. So a couple days ago, I decided enough was enough. After I got stomach cramps from my favorite Chinese food, I swore to myself I wasn't eating a thing the next day. And I didn't. Yesterday was perfect. I felt beautiful and empty. I woke up today still feeling amazing. I stepped on the scale and saw I was down to 119. I was so freaking happy to finally be out of the 120s. Took an orange to my boyfriend's house because I just want to ease back in without giving my body too much of a shock. Ate that and then, go figure, I just fucking fail again. We went to Coldstone and split a medium size treat. Hating myself while I ate it, I told myself it was okay. It was my reward for getting into the teens. Then a little while later, I ate two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. My god. Thank god they're little. Each was only about the size of the palm of my hand. No crusts. I was still freaking out. My stomach hurt from putting too much junk into it too fast after a day of nothing but liquid. I was disgusted with myself. I weighed myself when I got home and the scale still said I was 119. But my scale sucks and it'll probably tell me I went up two pounds in the morning. Ugh.

This is so long. Especially for a first post. Spilling all my shit at once. It feels so GOOD though. So..if anyone actually read this far, thank you. You inspire me.