forty-eight.

I don't know exactly what I weigh right now. I'm going to guess 117. I refuse to weigh myself right now. I've consumed MUCH more than I could have dreamed in the past week and I'm just ashamed of myself.

I'm back home in Jersey. Woke up at 7AM, popped an Ativan about five minutes into the drive because my chest was seizing up, and was home by 8:30AM. Texted my boyfriend good morning, since I intended to see him today, and then passed the eff out until 10AM. Ativan is weird for me. I took it a few nights ago in FL because I was having issues but it was too late and I couldn't justify wasting one of my last Xanax (of which I made it home still having three, so yay). I figured it'd knock me out right away but I was awake for like four hours after taking it. Whereas less than two hours after taking it today I'm passed out. Maybe because I was more tired after the drive home or whatever. Just weird.

My mom's going to take me to the hospital in a little while to see what's going on with my insides. I know I've mentioned the Charity Care thing before, which is where you can get free medical care at a given hospital in NJ if you're poor enough. And I definitely am. So going to the hospital for me is like going to a regular doctor for other people. Kinda messed up but that's what it is. I was hoping that a lot of the tightness would go away as soon as I got home, like it did last summer. Last summer is a STORY dude. Someone remind me to tell you guys sometime. Alas, as the day wore on I felt worse and worse. Had to put off seeing my BF until tomorrow, which sucks. So now I'm just waiting for it to get a little bit worse (terrible I know, but the worse you are when you go in the more seriously you're taken) then I'll be off. Tomorrow I have my psychiatrist appointment, which I can.not.wait for. Hopefully they give me something to get rid of all this anxiety and I can actually live like a normal human. I need more Xanax too. I'm pretty sure they'll give it to me after I tell them what's been going on the past week.

I've been trying to decide if I'm going to bring up the eating thing with them tomorrow. Not that I'm eating too little. Because I certainly have not been. But because I've been binging so out of control lately. One night last week I ate three granola bars, three pieces of Popeye's chicken, two pears, and about ten pieces of leftover fried chicken balls or whatever they were. Another day I had four pieces of fried chicken, six mini muffins, yogurt, and leftover grilled chicken, rice, and veggies from the night before. It digusts me. No wonder I gained six pounds this past week! Then today. Since I've been home today I've had a granola bar, two huge pieces of chocalate cake my mom made (and we're talking huuuuge. like, half a paper plate huge) and an entire pound of cold-cut deli turkey. Oh, and three jelly beans. It's terrible. I can't control a single thing that goes in my mouth. I wanted a tiny slice of cake and three pieces of turkey. Instead I eat all the damn turkey and half the fucking cake! My stomach is bloated and it hurts like hell and I can't stand it. I would lax my brains out tomorrow but I have that appointment, then another appointment, then I'm raping my boyfriend for the rest of the day, haha. True story. Wednesday is lax day. I have a job interview in the morning but I'll pop a few after and clean myself out. I feel disgusting. I think I'm going to mention it to the psychiatrist. Say this has been happening for a while and I have no control over eating until my stomach screams in pain and every bite nearly gags me. Which is what it's been like for the past week. Especially today. I almost purged. I HATE throwing up more than anything in the world, and yet I almost willing did it because I felt so full and disgusting. Yeah. I know a few of you out there are on Topamax and I've read that it's been working pretty well for you. I don't know. I'll see what they say. I definitely think I'll bring it up though.

I'm sorry I haven't been commenting on your blogs lately. I have been reading, I just haven't felt that I've had anything to say that anyone would want to read. I'll get back on track once I get seen by a doctor and they tell me I'm not dying of some exotic disease :P

I hope everyone is doing well. Stay strong, beauties.

Eedee.