forty-nine.

I have no idea what I weigh. I'm too scared to step on the scale, and also too distracted. My size 5s still fit and I don't feel like I've been binging out of control so maybe I'll be pleasently surprised whenever I work up my courage.

I started Lexapro three days ago. An antidepressant for those unfamiliar. I feel like I'm already getting the side effects. Or my brain is manifesting them because I read what they COULD be and so is convinced I should get them all now. I've also been getting panic attacks. Terrible, horrific panic attacks. The one I had yesterday, I was shaking so bad I thought I was going to have a seizure. And I was driving. Not good. Pulled over right away, of course. But yeah...we've decided that I'm not going to be driving for a little while until something changes. Hopefully the Lexapro will kick in (says you may feel some effects after a week or two but it takes 4 to 6 weeks for it to be fully functioning). And these panic attacks..they happen when I'm not really feeling anything at all. I started getting another one about an hour ago (tight chest, difficulty breathing, tingling in my fingers, trembling, and lightheaded) so I took .5mg of Ativan and I'm feeling a bit better now. That was my second one today. I had to take one this morning because my boyfriend came to my house to pick me up and bring me to his and I know that for some reason being in a car is an issue for me. I swear, it didn't even matter. I spent the whole 15 minute ride hunched over in my seat, deep breathing, trying not to pass out or puke or shake too hard and trigger a seizure. I've never had a seizure, in case anyone was wondering. I'm just petrified that it's going to happen. My entire body was tingling and I kept getting these waves of hot and cold in my body that made me feel like I was going to pass out. It was terrible. And I was just in the freaking emergency room for this YESTERDAY. I can't go on like this. I tremble slightly all the time and I can never just get a full deep breath without feeling this pull in my chest. I'm really scared. Just terrified. I know this is an ED blog and this doesn't really fit here, but this is the only place I have that I can keep all this down. And I want to keep you guys updated on why I haven't been around so much lately.

Foodwise, today I had a Fiber One bar (because I need to take the Lexapro with food in the morning) and a small bowl and a half of Fruity Pebbles. I'll have something else in a little bit because my stomach's been growling for hours. And I've got enough pain right now without that.

Hopefully I'll be able to stay at BF's house tonight so I don't need to use up yet another Ativan. My mom managed to just LOSE $65 and so can't afford to fill my prescriptions until Friday. I have two .5mg of Ativan and one .5mg of Xanax. That will barely bring me through the rest of today and tomorrow. I am so fucked.

Eedee.

forty-eight.

I don't know exactly what I weigh right now. I'm going to guess 117. I refuse to weigh myself right now. I've consumed MUCH more than I could have dreamed in the past week and I'm just ashamed of myself.

I'm back home in Jersey. Woke up at 7AM, popped an Ativan about five minutes into the drive because my chest was seizing up, and was home by 8:30AM. Texted my boyfriend good morning, since I intended to see him today, and then passed the eff out until 10AM. Ativan is weird for me. I took it a few nights ago in FL because I was having issues but it was too late and I couldn't justify wasting one of my last Xanax (of which I made it home still having three, so yay). I figured it'd knock me out right away but I was awake for like four hours after taking it. Whereas less than two hours after taking it today I'm passed out. Maybe because I was more tired after the drive home or whatever. Just weird.

My mom's going to take me to the hospital in a little while to see what's going on with my insides. I know I've mentioned the Charity Care thing before, which is where you can get free medical care at a given hospital in NJ if you're poor enough. And I definitely am. So going to the hospital for me is like going to a regular doctor for other people. Kinda messed up but that's what it is. I was hoping that a lot of the tightness would go away as soon as I got home, like it did last summer. Last summer is a STORY dude. Someone remind me to tell you guys sometime. Alas, as the day wore on I felt worse and worse. Had to put off seeing my BF until tomorrow, which sucks. So now I'm just waiting for it to get a little bit worse (terrible I know, but the worse you are when you go in the more seriously you're taken) then I'll be off. Tomorrow I have my psychiatrist appointment, which I can.not.wait for. Hopefully they give me something to get rid of all this anxiety and I can actually live like a normal human. I need more Xanax too. I'm pretty sure they'll give it to me after I tell them what's been going on the past week.

I've been trying to decide if I'm going to bring up the eating thing with them tomorrow. Not that I'm eating too little. Because I certainly have not been. But because I've been binging so out of control lately. One night last week I ate three granola bars, three pieces of Popeye's chicken, two pears, and about ten pieces of leftover fried chicken balls or whatever they were. Another day I had four pieces of fried chicken, six mini muffins, yogurt, and leftover grilled chicken, rice, and veggies from the night before. It digusts me. No wonder I gained six pounds this past week! Then today. Since I've been home today I've had a granola bar, two huge pieces of chocalate cake my mom made (and we're talking huuuuge. like, half a paper plate huge) and an entire pound of cold-cut deli turkey. Oh, and three jelly beans. It's terrible. I can't control a single thing that goes in my mouth. I wanted a tiny slice of cake and three pieces of turkey. Instead I eat all the damn turkey and half the fucking cake! My stomach is bloated and it hurts like hell and I can't stand it. I would lax my brains out tomorrow but I have that appointment, then another appointment, then I'm raping my boyfriend for the rest of the day, haha. True story. Wednesday is lax day. I have a job interview in the morning but I'll pop a few after and clean myself out. I feel disgusting. I think I'm going to mention it to the psychiatrist. Say this has been happening for a while and I have no control over eating until my stomach screams in pain and every bite nearly gags me. Which is what it's been like for the past week. Especially today. I almost purged. I HATE throwing up more than anything in the world, and yet I almost willing did it because I felt so full and disgusting. Yeah. I know a few of you out there are on Topamax and I've read that it's been working pretty well for you. I don't know. I'll see what they say. I definitely think I'll bring it up though.

I'm sorry I haven't been commenting on your blogs lately. I have been reading, I just haven't felt that I've had anything to say that anyone would want to read. I'll get back on track once I get seen by a doctor and they tell me I'm not dying of some exotic disease :P

I hope everyone is doing well. Stay strong, beauties.

Eedee.

forty-seven.

Still 116.5, despite having a horrific binge today. Honestly, I've binged before and I've felt full and awful but never like this. I think it's because of the other shit I have going on. I walked across the street to this grocery store and bought a 4 piece container of fried chicken, a box of Little Debbie blueberry muffins, and two yogurts. Ate the chicken and all six muffins over the space of about 45 minutes. I still feel so full. I never want to eat again. Had to go to an Urgent Care place here too because of the breathing and pain and shit I've been in all week. I've started getting these sharp pains in my lower ribs on both sides whenever I sut up straight and try to take a deep breath. Doctor said my lungs and heart were good, then suggested freaking appendicitis. Seriously? He pushed on my stomach (which of course hurt due to all the food I had eaten, even five hours later or such) and I flinched. I flat out cried out when he pushed on my rubs and the space between them. I was nearly sobbing the entire time, by the way. I don't deal with feeling bad very well, especially when a freaking doctor tells me my appendix might burst and I'd have to spend months in the hospital. Thanks, dude.

I think the burning in my upper stomach/chest area in the middle of my boobs could be acid reflux or something. What does that normally feel like? I'm going to take some of my dad's wife's Pepcid in the morning if it's still there. I would take it tonight but I'll be going to bed in like three hours or so anyway. Took some Xanax after the doctor and I'm kind of better. I know at least 50% of what's going on in my body has to do with anxiety and my inability to deal with it. My dad just keeps telling me to relax and breathe and get a hold of myself and I'll be okay. And I'm like dude, if I could do that I wouldn't have an anxiety DISORDER. That word implies that I have an abnormal issue with whatever the subject is. That I can't just take a deep breathe and concentrate on something else. Even when I'm not thinking about anything at all, my subconcious is whipping my body into a frenzy. And I can't control it. I was talking to my mom earlier and I just started crying. She asked me why and I just screamed at her that I didn't know why. Because I didn't. I mean, sure I was upset about all the medical stuff and I miss her and everything, but normal people can get through a simple phone conversation with their mother without sobbing into the phone all of a sudden. God, my therapist is going to have her work cut out for her when I see her again.

How about some good news now, hmm? I have a job interview at a pet supply store on the 13th. And I can make an appointment for an interview at Six Flags whenever I call their recruitment office. My psych appointment is the day after I get home, as is my gyno. Since I've been having those same sharp pains in my boob area, I'm hoping they'll reassure me (yet again) that I don't have breast cancer. I'm convinced I do nearly all the time, so it's always good to hear that I'm still somewhat healthy, haha. I'm getting a colonoscopy on the 30th, which is good and bad. Good because I've been trying to get one since like December and it'll help the doctors figure out what's wrong with my stomach/intestines stuff. But bad because of what it actually is. In case anyone isn't familiar with what it is, and not to be gross or anything, but it's when they sedate you (which freaks me the fuck out more than I can even tell you) and run a small camera on the end of this tube or something up your butt and through your intestines and stuff. Yeah. Definitely freaked out but I really need it so it's good to finally have an appointment. My mom also told me she's going to make me an appointment to see a lung doctor to test for asthma, since I did have it when I was a kid and all the issues I'm having now. The doctor today said he doesn't think so, but it'd be through Charity Care (which is when you're poorer than dirt in Jersey and you have no insurance so that covers any medical shit at a specific hospital and whatever doctors they refer you to) so it'd be free anyway. So I might as well, even just to alleviate that much more stress from my brain.

So yeah. Having a TERRIBLE time right now but once I get back I'll get all my shit in order, feel better, and get back on track. Bear with me, guys.

Eedee.

forty-six.

Losing is on the back burner for me right now. I still hate the way I look, but I can survive and maintain it for a little bit. I shot back up to 114.5 because I've been eating whatever the fuck I want. It's almost entirely due to whatever's going on in my body right now. I have no idea what it is. I know the anxiety is part of it, but there's other stuff as well. My allergies (I guess that's what it is) have been bothering me a lot lately, and I'm beginning to suspect I might have asthma. I woke up this morning and it was so unbelieveably hard for me to breathe. I tried to relax and calm down, because I was sure it was just the anxiety. I should note that I get the panic attacks even when I'm completely relaxed and not worried about a thing. That's a big reason why it makes me think there's something else going on there as well. But eventually I could breathe a little better. I chose to stay in the hotel room while my dad went to the beach, one because I had enough of the beach yesterday. And two because I felt such like shit. A little while ago I was just sitting here watching TV and all of a sudden I noticed that my chest was tightening up and I couldn't get a decent breath. I'm almost used to not being able to fill my lungs, but this was worse. Tried to avoid taking the Xanax because I only had ten left (nine now) but I was terrified of my throat locking up or having a seizure or something crazy like that. Yeah, the anxiety doesn't help. So I took one and paced around the suite for about ten minutes, because it helps a tiny bit when I walk. I don't know why. I'm feeling better now, I guess. Still can't get a full breath but I have a feeling that won't happen until I can go home and see a doctor and get tested for asthma or whatever they do. This fucking sucks.

Oh, something I forgot to mention last time. I told my friend about my ednos and showed him this blog. We've been friends for a long time and he's always been the only person I can literally tell ANYTHING to. We used to be best friends but we haven't really talked in a while. We're both a bit messed up but I love him to death. He accepts me completely. I don't think anyone else could like that. I don't know if he'll ever look at this again, but if you're reading I just want to thank you again. For accepting me exactly how I am and being one of the best friends I've ever had (when we actually talk, haha). I love you, dude.

But yeah. I'm eating as normally as I can and getting some exercise in (fitness room and frolicing in the ocean and whatnot) but my main priority is getting through the rest of the week without having to pay a visit to the emergency room. I'll update as often as I can to let you guys know I haven't died yet.

Eedee.

forty-five.

So much to tell you guys. I don't even know where to begin.

I'm currently in Pompano Beach, Florida. It's gorgeously warm and I can't wait for tomorrow so we can go to the beach or something. The drive was horrible though. It started Thursday night when I was going to my dad's house. I was completely fine, when all of a sudden my body went insane. My chest got so tight I couldn't breathe, my entire body went numb and tingly, and I could barely move my limbs. I swear to god I thought I was having a heart attack. So I pulled over and called 911 and they brought me to the hospital. I was okay by that point but terrified it would happen again, so I didn't want to risk driving. I've had panic attacks before, but nowhere NEAR as bad as that. I literally had no control over my body. I thought I was actually going to die. That I would pass out before I could tell the 911 dispatcher where I was and I'd die on the side of the road. It was the single worst experience I can remember having. Thank god I had some Xanax. It honestly probaby saved my life. I know I'm prone to exaggeration, but this is different.

Since then, I've had an attack every day. I recognized how the beginning of it feels and I take one Xanax and just take deep, even breaths until it subsides. It's usually completely gone after an hour. But it's terrible. I need this psych appointment to come so they can give me something. I can't keep taking Xanax every day. It's highly addictive and I only have about 13 left anyway. But my god. I hate living like this. I'm hoping a relaxing week down here will help at least a little bit.

As far as food is concerned, I've been eating. A lot. Because my mom, dad, doctors, and myself agree that the first horrible attack was probably brought on by my lack of eating. I love being thinner, and I know I'm going to freak if (probably when) I start gaining weight, but it's not worth my health. I'm going to eat normally until I get home and see how it impacts how I feel. Then I'll get the anti-anxiety medication and see where we go from there. There's a fitness room here just as I hoped, so I'm making it a point to spend as much time as possible in it to make up for all the calories I'm going to be consuming. I'm not downing entire tubs of ice cream and pizzas and stuff, but I'm eating all the same. My dad has these "weight loss" shakes that he drinks every day and he's letting me have a few of them. They're 320 calories each (oh my GOD) but they're full of vitamins and I feel like that's what I need right now. I've been eating fruit, and mainly grilled chicken dishes whenever we go to restaurants. Always off the low-cal or "heart healthy" part of the menu if possible. I feel full almost constantly but I'd rather gain five pounds that I can work off later (in a healthier way) than have a terrible panic attack every day that leaves me unable to move or breathe.

I just want to remind everyone to be careful. Thin is the goal, and it's worth almost anything. But it isn't worth your health. It isn't worth cutting years off your life and leaving yourself with heart problems or something else for the rest of your life. Just be careful, beauties.

Eedee.