forty-four.

I'm 111.5 today, but I expected that. Last night I had a garlic breadstick, three mozzerella sticks, and three small brownies that my mom made. At the least, I reached 1000. I don't know how many calories were in any of it. But that's fine. I feel marginally better today and ready to go again. All I've had is 400cals worth of cereal and milk, and that's what it's staying at. Period.

Tomorrow I go to my dad's house in PA, then we leave for Florida at 4AM. Yay! The only thing is, he said we'll go get dinner after I get there. Ugh. No possible way I want that. I either have to go early to beat rush hour traffic (and go to dinner) or I can leave later and miss the traffic. And, conveniently, dinner. If I do go, the ONLY thing I am allowed is a small salad. No dressing. I will not consume anything until that dinner. If I'm not hungry enough to eat it without dressing (I don't really like lettuce) then I'm not hungry enough for food. If I go later and don't go to dinner, I'm allowed two 80cal yogurts. So I'm safe either way. All that I'll have to eat in the car is fruit. I'm hoping to be 110 by the time I wake up in FL. Because we won't get there until around 11PM or later and I know I won't want to unpack my scale when I'm that tired. So by Saturday morning I'm aiming for 110. Hopefully it won't be a problem :)

I'm going to hang out with a friend I haven't seen since October later tonight. Whenever we hang out we usually spend a few hours walking around town and talking. I'm counting on this to get some cardio in and work off whatever's left of yesterday's grossness and today's cereal. I got used to feeling so empty that my body was almost like one big cramp. Like, everything squeezed together because there was no fat to smush it apart. Now I feel almost normal. I'm thankful, since I was worried about the damage I was doing to myself. But now I just want everything out of me and to get back on track. I can still grab handfuls of fat all over my body, and it disgusts me.

BF's coming back into the room now, and he likes glancing atmy computer so I'm off for now. Stay strong :)

Eedee.

forty-three.

First off, I was really touched by how concerned you guys were for me. I'm always had a bit of vertigo or whatever it is whenever I stand up too fast, so the tunnel vision and near-fainting isn't as bad as it may seem. Like I said, I'm prone to overreation. And to Jenn (do you not have a profile?), if your intent was to scare the living shit out of me, you certainly succeeded. Thanks for the info. I'm definitely going to up my calories a bit to try and be a little healthier.

So today I've ate more than usual to try and get my body to feel a little bit better. Here's what it looks like so far: (edited at 6:20PM)

Banana (3) - 321
Steak - 200
Clementine - 25
Skinny Cow ice cream bar - 80

Total so far: 626

It was a super small piece of steak, but I'm rounding up a bit to be safe. And I was searching online and found that bananas are 107cals for a medium size. Seems more reasonable than the 134 per cup I read in that book, so I'm going to go with that. And the clementine was literally only a tiny bit bigger than a big cherry. Smallest one I've ever seen, and I gave two sections to BF. I'm going to try to just eat a Lean Pocket later tonight so the total is around 750ish. Not as low as I'd like it, but Jenn really freaked me out. So I'm playing it kinda safer today. I took two laxies about half an hour ago anyway. Because honestly, I can't have all this crap just sitting in my stomach. I'll eat it to get the calories and nutrients and shit, but I want it gone by tomorrow. I know it's like cheating and probably offsets the effort I'm making to eat a bit more, but I don't care. I'm not ready to have that much sitting in my gut just yet.

So, I went bathing suit shopping today. I needed two suits and two pairs of shorts that actually fit. Left the mall with two bathing suits, three pairs of shorts, two pairs of pants, and two pairs of boots. Oh, and I'M A SIZE FUCKING FIVE! If it runs small, I need the 7 but for the most part I'm a size 5. Oh my god, dude! I'd forgotten what tight pants actually feel like after wearing my way-too-big size 9 "skinny" jeans for so long, haha. So that made my day. My month, actually. And I needed a small in the bathing suit bottoms. Partially because I have no butt but still! I can't remember the last time I coult fit into a small anything on bottom. Oh, I can't believe I didn't mention this earlier! But I forgot till now and can't find a logical place to put it in. I weighed 110.5 this morning! Even with the Lean Pocket I had three and a half hours or so before bed. I haven't been this light since I ran track in high school. Pretty soon I'll be a thin as I was in middle school, haha. Not to worry though. I think I'll know when to stop. Honestly, I just want the rest of the fat gone and for my muscles to develop a little bit. Then I can just maintain. I don't plan on weighing 80 pounds or anything. Just for clarification.

Oh, and my mom told me something that made me super happy earlier. I asked how much my sister weighs, since she's always been thinner than me (I attribute it to her being born premature and everything). She said she was 112-113 last time she knew. That means I am officially the skinniest person in my family! Ahh you guys don't even know how happy that made me.

Hope everyone's having a great day :D

Eedee.

forty-two.

I'm seriously so weak today. I've been floating through the day and keep nearly passing out, and my chest hurts something awful. So I ate a Lean Pocket. It'll fill me up a bit and give me some nutrients and shit so I don't like, die or something. I know it's not that serious but I'm prone to overreaction, especially when it comes to my health. I always think I'm going to die.

Here's what today looked like:

Dannon Light & Fit yogurt - 80
Hard-boiled egg white - 16
Lean Pocket (supreme pizza) - 220

Total: 316

Still a respectable number. That's all I'm going to have tonight. The Lean Pocket should definitely hold me until bed. Worst comes to worst, a 35cal clementine. I don't forsee an issue though. Hanging out with my BF, watching movies and such for about three more hours, then home for bed. And when I wake up tomorrow I get to start packing a few things for Florida. Then my mom and I are going to buy a few things I need, like sunscreen and shorts (!) and bathing suits (!!!). I'm excited and nervous all at once.

I figured out that my BMR is 1730. So I burn at least that many calories every single day. That means I've had a deficit every day for...I don't even know how long. A long time. Even when I had that eclair binge I was only at 1535 or something. That made me happy. Oh, and my boyfriend showed me how he can nearly wrap both his hands around his entire waist. He can wear a double 0 in girls jeans. Sonofabitch. He is my thinspiration every single day. Meanwhile, I'm stuck at a size 7 and my hands barely make their way around my hipbones. I am still so HUGE. Ugh.

Hope everyone had a fantastic day!

Eedee.

forty-one.

Before I say anything, I HAVE to thank ominous loss for all of her love and support. She's seriously my biggest supporter and I don't know what I'd do without her. You make my day more often than you'd believe, bebe. I know we can do this together :D

So, I'm 111 today! Ahhhhh I can't even express to you guys how happy I am. This week had seriously been one of the best of my life. In the past nine days, I've lost nine pounds. That's just...wow! Aiming to be anywhere below 110 for vacation. No solid goal, just below 110. Then I'm well ahead of my goals and I can even afford to cheat a little. Honestly, I've already decided to cheat a bit when I'm down there. My dad LOVES Italian food so I'm sure there'll be a lot of that. And I'm going to let myself enjoy a tiny bit of it. Smallest portions imaginable, hopefully. I'm also hoping to try a lot more veggies and shrimp and fish, since I don't eat those things now but I want to. I figure what better time to try :)

Yesterday, after I got to BF's house at 9PM, I had a Skinny Cow ice cream bar. 80cals, nothing big. And obviously didn't ruin me because my weight was down a pound since yesterday. I just seriously needed something. It's weird. I never thought I'd get to a point where I just wasn't hungry. Well...that's not entirely true. I'm still hungry, but it doesn't seem to matter so much. I don't know how to explain it. When I eat, it isn't because I'm hungry or something looks or smells yummy. It's because my body feels so bad and weak that I think I might die if I don't eat something right then. I've been super paranoid lately. I always am, but more so the past week. I have no choice but to believe it has some connection with the insane restriction, since it's only been since I've started that. I keep seeing little flashes of things out of the corner of my eye. I'm sure horror movies don't help, haha. They always scare me, no matter how stupid. But yeah. My chest is so tight and it cramps sometimes and I think I'm going to have a heart attack. I've heard in passing about restriction indiced heart attacks. Is there any truth to that? It's really been freaking me out. Haha, you guys probably think I'm crazier than usual now. I just need to be on anti-anxiety medication, I think. Then most of these thoughts will go away and I can pass for somewhat normal.

Sorry for jumping around a lot, my mind is racing with what I want to say to you guys. And if I don't do it fast and completely randomly, I'll forget because I have a TERRIBLE memory and most of the time my thoughts slip out before I can get them down. I've noticed that most of my day lately is spent thinking up things I want to write in here. Like I have an internal monologue constantly going, like JD from Scrubs only much more disordered. I tell myself not to forget, that I want to share it with you guys and remember it for myself later. I hardly ever do.

So today's menu. Dannon Light N Fit yogurt (80), two clementines (70), and two hard-boiled egg whites (32). That's 182cals for the day. I might cheat and have another Skinny Cow if I feel as terrible as yesterday. Even then, I'd only be at 272. Perfectly acceptable. I'm aiming for that. Yesterday my mom's boyfriend told me he wanted to get pizza Tuesday night (tomorrow) because they have a good deal. At first I was like SHIT. Because I love the pizza from the place he was talking about. Then I was like, wait. I've been beyond amazing lately. I'm four pounds below the goal I wanted to reach by vacation. There's no reason I can't have a little treat. I'm scared of how the grease might affect my system though, seeing as I haven't had any (or hardly anything else) in a while. So I decided I'm going to have ONE piece. Because I feel I deserve it after how good I've been lately. I probably won't lose due to it, and my stomach won't get any smaller, but I think it's worth it. Just one. I wish I could lax the next day, but I'm seeing a friend for the first time in four months. And Wednesday is the first day I'll be completely done with my period, and I plan on raping my boyfriend ;) And the next day I have to go to my dad's house, which is an hour and change drive. Then the next morning at like 2AM we start the drive for FL. So no laxing possible. I was debating doing it today, but I'm not sure how it'd make me feel, being as I'm already so achey and weak. I'll let it be for right now. Decisions later.

Let's start the week right today, beauties. Stay strong!

Eedee.

EDIT: My boyfriend and his grandmother decided to go out for Chinese today. Dude. No way in HELL I can eat that. I told BF as much. So they went without me, leaving me alone in their house to spend half an hour eating a six ounce cup of yogurt. I feel accomplished. I LOVE Chinese food. So this was big. Oh, and the only reason I had the yogurt already (even though it's already 2:30PM, wow) was because I got up to go to the bathroom and the back of my head was swimming and my entire body was tingly. I definitely think I almost passed out. I get insane tunnel vision every time I stand up, but this was something else. Scary, dude. Maybe I'll have an egg too, just to be safe.

forty.

Last post today, I promise!

So I've been dancing so much today. Probably about an hour and a half total. I hardly ever dance period, so that's crazy for me. Hopefully it did something with my insides. Abs would be nice, haha. So here's what I've consumed today:

Fiber One bar x2 - 280
Hard-boiled egg white - 16

Total: 296

I had another Fiber One bar because my vision went almost completely black a couple of times, and this shortness of breath has really been freaking me out all day. I'm a MAJOR hypochondriac so this is a big issue. Still, under 300 is fine. I've been going up 100cals a day for the past three days without even realizing it. That amuses me. I told myself I could have a half cup of tuna fish with celery that my mom has in the fridge today, but having that extra FO bar knocked that out. Maybe tomorrow..

So, the past few days I've been obsessed with stepping on the scale various times throughout the day. Just for curiousity's sake. And earlier, in just undies, the scale told me 111. Obviously I won't believe it until tomorrow morning but really, how insane would that be?! After eating (everything but the egg white) and drinking a little more than a liter of water. And most of the dancing occured after that and I'll have a full night's sleep and...I'm getting ahead of myself. Breathe, Eedee. I'm just so excited at the prospect of only being a pound away from 110 tomorrow. I was hoping to make 110 my goal before I go away, but I might even get beyond that! Dear god. There is a seriously real possibility that I could reach my goal of 100 well before June, which is when I ideally wanted to be that small by. Obviously I'm going to go up in numbers a bit as my fat turns to muscle and stuff, but I am perfectly okay with that. I'll be hard and toned and PERFECT.

I'm way too excited for my own good right now. Watch, I'll get to another scale and it'll tell me I'm still 130. Oh my god, how cruel would that be! Yikes. Well, my BF is almost home from PA so I'm going to go get ready and go have myself a cuddle :)

Stay strong, bebes!

Eedee.

thirty-nine.

Do you guys get annoyed when I post two or three times a day? I hope not. I just feel the need to keep a super detailed account of what's going on. For you guys as well as myself. Hope I'm not clogging up your boxes too much :/

So far today I've had a 140cal Fiber One bar. I felt I needed something with substance, not just fruit. My chest was feeling really tight and I've been having a slightly hard time breathing for the past couple of days. So I felt some noms were in order. It definitely helped, but that was a few hours ago so..yeah. Maybe some hard-boiled eggs or clementines later. Sounds like a plan.

Oh my god, my house smells like bacon. My mom was making some a little while ago and she asked me to turn it and make sure it came out just right. And I loooove bacon. But the dominant part of me didn't even want it! I was shocked. Being thin is so totally worth skipping some greasy, fatty bacon that would probably upset my stomach anyway. Oh, and my dad just called and asked what I wanted in the car for the drive to Florida. I'm like "Uh, I dunno. Maybe an apple or peach or nectarine or something. Fruit, really." And he was like uh..okay. Waiting for me to say more or add in some delicious junk food that would surely love to attach itself to my midsection and hips. But I just said that and water. He's all asking if I don't want salted nuts or soda or something. And I'm like dude, I haven't liked soda since I was a toddler. And I can just imagine how much salty nuts would bloat me up. Yeah, that's EXACTLY what I want before slipping into a bikini for a week. Not.

Completely random sidenote: I'm watching a repeat of the Kids Choice Awards on Nickelodeon and Justin Bieber is performing right now. And I'm surprised. You can tell he's actually singing, and it doesn't sound half bad. Do your thing, fifteen-year-old pop superstar.

As far as exercise, I got the bike down and rode around my block once (which was harder than I would like to admit) before it started to rain. It's way too damn cold right now too, so I gave up on that pretty fast. I've been doing leg lifts, stretches, and dancing like a FOOL all day as well. I'm sure I've burned off the 140cals from earlier. All in all, I'm feeling pretty good today! BF won't be home for a while, so until then I'm going to chill out in my room. And continue my random dancing every now and then to get my heart rate up :)

Hope everyone's weekend is going as good as mine!

Eedee.

thirty-eight.

I can't remember the last time I was so happy. Weighed naked a little bit ago and the scale blinked up at me: 112.

Oh.My.God. I guess the scale was right yesterday. I must have lost a whooole bunch of water weight, as well as some period bloat. I am so freaking ecstatic right now. Seriously?! I've lost like, eight pounds in a week. A WEEK! I am goddamn Superwoman, dude. I can see it too. My stomach almost doesn't bulge out at all. Still have a way to go until I'm confident in my body, but wow. This definitely boosted me up a whole lot. I weigh less than I did my sophomore year of high school! And my BMI is officially under the 20 mark! 19.2, baby! :D

I'm actually looking forward to going to buy a bathing suit and shorts for vacation. How's that for amazing? Because I actually think I might look halfway decent. But just halfway ;)

I asked my mom's boyfriend to get my bike down in the garage. He's going to walk the dog, then we're going to get my car from the shop, THEN I guess he'll do it. Rawr. Hopefully it'll have warmed up a bit by then, the sun being up for a while and all that. I haven't been outside but I assume it's as cold as yesterday. No bueno. BF comes home from PA today, but I don't know what time. Hopefully not until after noon so I have some time for biking. That would honestly just make my day that much better.

I'm on top of the world today, beauties!

Eedee.

thirty-seven.

I love watching movies about obesity. I get some kind of perverse pleasure out of it. Honestly, I love documentaries period. Especially ones that deal with why we as humans do what we do.

Side note: I didn't realize how many calories are in bananas. 134 for a cup?! Are you SERIOUS?! Someone please tell me this is some cruel jape manufactured by the bastards who wrote The Calorie Counter For Dummies. Seriously? I thought I was doing awesome today, until I saw that. Sigh.

I've never recorded my calories and what I've eaten on here before, so let's see how it goes.

Banana - 134 (cruel universe!)
Clementine - 35
Hard-boiled egg white - 16

Total: 185

And to think, if I had just grabbed a clementine instead of that banana, I would be at 86 right now. Sigh.

thirty-six.

My scale is a lying son of a bitch. It's really pissing me off. Today I woke up and it said I weighed 113 pounds. NO. FUCKING. WAY. I did NOT lose three and a half pounds since yesterday morning. It's not even possible. I've been checking back regularly throughout the day and it still says the same thing. I made my mom step on it and she said it was accurate for her. But it has to be something with me. Because it is not physically possible that I lost that much in that short amount of time. Ugh. I HATE my scale! It's not even that it gets my hopes up. Because I know it can't be right. Otherwise it's been giving me bogus numbers all week and just now decided to randomly be accurate. It's the freaking demon scale from hell, dude! So I refuse to believe this and we'll just have to see what it says tomorrow. That's what I'm basing it on. Tomorrow.

It's a little after 4PM and I've had a banana. I would love beyond belief to believe the devil scale, but I don't. So I'm treating today like I didn't lose anything since yesterday. That way I'm safe in case I actually haven't lost anything. And if the scale is actually correct (which would mean I mutated into some insane fat-burning machine when I was asleep) I'm ahead of the game and today can only help. I've been doing sets of 10 leg lifts throughout the day. I was hoping to go on an intense bike ride (since I can't run) but all the bikes are hanging from the roof in the garage and I can't get them down. Besides that, it was fucking FREEZING this morning when I wanted to go. So I did some housework, danced up a storm for about fifteen minutes before my shower, and stretched and stuff. Not nearly enough, but I'm tired and weak and kind of achey and nauseous. I can suck in all my gross fat and see more defined ribs though, so that's good :)

All I'm allowing myself for the rest of the day is two clementines. I'd love to try one of the Fiber One bars my mom has in the kitchen, but I'm hesitant to have too much fat after restricting so hard for the past two days (and fasting the day before that). I kind of slipped yesterday with the ice cream but I'm determined not to do that again. Don't want my body storing all kinds of jiggley fats for later!

Stay strong, beauties. You'll rock those bikinis before you know it ;)

Eedee.

EDIT: And now my scale decides to tell me 114.5, AFTER I went to the bathroom. I'm wearing jeans now though so maybe it's them? Or maybe my scale's actually recalibrated or something and that's what I actually am? Argh, this is so frustrating! I do look better today, though. My gross fat stomach sticks out much less. I'm hoping it's 114.5. Two pounds I MIGHT be able to believe. Like I said before, tomorrow morning shall decide :)

thirty-five.

So, I caved and had not one, but two Skinny Cow ice pops. Only 80 cals each so it's not TOO bad, but still. I wanted to just get by on the apple. Rawr. About 200 cals for today. BF is going to PA tomorrow for some work so I'm going to try to get some exercise in. Running is awkward due to the femme issues, but maybe some crunches, rope jumping, leg lifts, and various stretches and such to prepare. The two days before I leave I'm going to be running up a storm. I'm meeting a friend for the first time in FL so I want to look as good as possible :)

Hope everyone's doing fantastic!

Eedee.