forty.

Last post today, I promise!

So I've been dancing so much today. Probably about an hour and a half total. I hardly ever dance period, so that's crazy for me. Hopefully it did something with my insides. Abs would be nice, haha. So here's what I've consumed today:

Fiber One bar x2 - 280
Hard-boiled egg white - 16

Total: 296

I had another Fiber One bar because my vision went almost completely black a couple of times, and this shortness of breath has really been freaking me out all day. I'm a MAJOR hypochondriac so this is a big issue. Still, under 300 is fine. I've been going up 100cals a day for the past three days without even realizing it. That amuses me. I told myself I could have a half cup of tuna fish with celery that my mom has in the fridge today, but having that extra FO bar knocked that out. Maybe tomorrow..

So, the past few days I've been obsessed with stepping on the scale various times throughout the day. Just for curiousity's sake. And earlier, in just undies, the scale told me 111. Obviously I won't believe it until tomorrow morning but really, how insane would that be?! After eating (everything but the egg white) and drinking a little more than a liter of water. And most of the dancing occured after that and I'll have a full night's sleep and...I'm getting ahead of myself. Breathe, Eedee. I'm just so excited at the prospect of only being a pound away from 110 tomorrow. I was hoping to make 110 my goal before I go away, but I might even get beyond that! Dear god. There is a seriously real possibility that I could reach my goal of 100 well before June, which is when I ideally wanted to be that small by. Obviously I'm going to go up in numbers a bit as my fat turns to muscle and stuff, but I am perfectly okay with that. I'll be hard and toned and PERFECT.

I'm way too excited for my own good right now. Watch, I'll get to another scale and it'll tell me I'm still 130. Oh my god, how cruel would that be! Yikes. Well, my BF is almost home from PA so I'm going to go get ready and go have myself a cuddle :)

Stay strong, bebes!

Eedee.

thirty-nine.

Do you guys get annoyed when I post two or three times a day? I hope not. I just feel the need to keep a super detailed account of what's going on. For you guys as well as myself. Hope I'm not clogging up your boxes too much :/

So far today I've had a 140cal Fiber One bar. I felt I needed something with substance, not just fruit. My chest was feeling really tight and I've been having a slightly hard time breathing for the past couple of days. So I felt some noms were in order. It definitely helped, but that was a few hours ago so..yeah. Maybe some hard-boiled eggs or clementines later. Sounds like a plan.

Oh my god, my house smells like bacon. My mom was making some a little while ago and she asked me to turn it and make sure it came out just right. And I loooove bacon. But the dominant part of me didn't even want it! I was shocked. Being thin is so totally worth skipping some greasy, fatty bacon that would probably upset my stomach anyway. Oh, and my dad just called and asked what I wanted in the car for the drive to Florida. I'm like "Uh, I dunno. Maybe an apple or peach or nectarine or something. Fruit, really." And he was like uh..okay. Waiting for me to say more or add in some delicious junk food that would surely love to attach itself to my midsection and hips. But I just said that and water. He's all asking if I don't want salted nuts or soda or something. And I'm like dude, I haven't liked soda since I was a toddler. And I can just imagine how much salty nuts would bloat me up. Yeah, that's EXACTLY what I want before slipping into a bikini for a week. Not.

Completely random sidenote: I'm watching a repeat of the Kids Choice Awards on Nickelodeon and Justin Bieber is performing right now. And I'm surprised. You can tell he's actually singing, and it doesn't sound half bad. Do your thing, fifteen-year-old pop superstar.

As far as exercise, I got the bike down and rode around my block once (which was harder than I would like to admit) before it started to rain. It's way too damn cold right now too, so I gave up on that pretty fast. I've been doing leg lifts, stretches, and dancing like a FOOL all day as well. I'm sure I've burned off the 140cals from earlier. All in all, I'm feeling pretty good today! BF won't be home for a while, so until then I'm going to chill out in my room. And continue my random dancing every now and then to get my heart rate up :)

Hope everyone's weekend is going as good as mine!

Eedee.

thirty-eight.

I can't remember the last time I was so happy. Weighed naked a little bit ago and the scale blinked up at me: 112.

Oh.My.God. I guess the scale was right yesterday. I must have lost a whooole bunch of water weight, as well as some period bloat. I am so freaking ecstatic right now. Seriously?! I've lost like, eight pounds in a week. A WEEK! I am goddamn Superwoman, dude. I can see it too. My stomach almost doesn't bulge out at all. Still have a way to go until I'm confident in my body, but wow. This definitely boosted me up a whole lot. I weigh less than I did my sophomore year of high school! And my BMI is officially under the 20 mark! 19.2, baby! :D

I'm actually looking forward to going to buy a bathing suit and shorts for vacation. How's that for amazing? Because I actually think I might look halfway decent. But just halfway ;)

I asked my mom's boyfriend to get my bike down in the garage. He's going to walk the dog, then we're going to get my car from the shop, THEN I guess he'll do it. Rawr. Hopefully it'll have warmed up a bit by then, the sun being up for a while and all that. I haven't been outside but I assume it's as cold as yesterday. No bueno. BF comes home from PA today, but I don't know what time. Hopefully not until after noon so I have some time for biking. That would honestly just make my day that much better.

I'm on top of the world today, beauties!

Eedee.

thirty-seven.

I love watching movies about obesity. I get some kind of perverse pleasure out of it. Honestly, I love documentaries period. Especially ones that deal with why we as humans do what we do.

Side note: I didn't realize how many calories are in bananas. 134 for a cup?! Are you SERIOUS?! Someone please tell me this is some cruel jape manufactured by the bastards who wrote The Calorie Counter For Dummies. Seriously? I thought I was doing awesome today, until I saw that. Sigh.

I've never recorded my calories and what I've eaten on here before, so let's see how it goes.

Banana - 134 (cruel universe!)
Clementine - 35
Hard-boiled egg white - 16

Total: 185

And to think, if I had just grabbed a clementine instead of that banana, I would be at 86 right now. Sigh.

thirty-six.

My scale is a lying son of a bitch. It's really pissing me off. Today I woke up and it said I weighed 113 pounds. NO. FUCKING. WAY. I did NOT lose three and a half pounds since yesterday morning. It's not even possible. I've been checking back regularly throughout the day and it still says the same thing. I made my mom step on it and she said it was accurate for her. But it has to be something with me. Because it is not physically possible that I lost that much in that short amount of time. Ugh. I HATE my scale! It's not even that it gets my hopes up. Because I know it can't be right. Otherwise it's been giving me bogus numbers all week and just now decided to randomly be accurate. It's the freaking demon scale from hell, dude! So I refuse to believe this and we'll just have to see what it says tomorrow. That's what I'm basing it on. Tomorrow.

It's a little after 4PM and I've had a banana. I would love beyond belief to believe the devil scale, but I don't. So I'm treating today like I didn't lose anything since yesterday. That way I'm safe in case I actually haven't lost anything. And if the scale is actually correct (which would mean I mutated into some insane fat-burning machine when I was asleep) I'm ahead of the game and today can only help. I've been doing sets of 10 leg lifts throughout the day. I was hoping to go on an intense bike ride (since I can't run) but all the bikes are hanging from the roof in the garage and I can't get them down. Besides that, it was fucking FREEZING this morning when I wanted to go. So I did some housework, danced up a storm for about fifteen minutes before my shower, and stretched and stuff. Not nearly enough, but I'm tired and weak and kind of achey and nauseous. I can suck in all my gross fat and see more defined ribs though, so that's good :)

All I'm allowing myself for the rest of the day is two clementines. I'd love to try one of the Fiber One bars my mom has in the kitchen, but I'm hesitant to have too much fat after restricting so hard for the past two days (and fasting the day before that). I kind of slipped yesterday with the ice cream but I'm determined not to do that again. Don't want my body storing all kinds of jiggley fats for later!

Stay strong, beauties. You'll rock those bikinis before you know it ;)

Eedee.

EDIT: And now my scale decides to tell me 114.5, AFTER I went to the bathroom. I'm wearing jeans now though so maybe it's them? Or maybe my scale's actually recalibrated or something and that's what I actually am? Argh, this is so frustrating! I do look better today, though. My gross fat stomach sticks out much less. I'm hoping it's 114.5. Two pounds I MIGHT be able to believe. Like I said before, tomorrow morning shall decide :)

thirty-five.

So, I caved and had not one, but two Skinny Cow ice pops. Only 80 cals each so it's not TOO bad, but still. I wanted to just get by on the apple. Rawr. About 200 cals for today. BF is going to PA tomorrow for some work so I'm going to try to get some exercise in. Running is awkward due to the femme issues, but maybe some crunches, rope jumping, leg lifts, and various stretches and such to prepare. The two days before I leave I'm going to be running up a storm. I'm meeting a friend for the first time in FL so I want to look as good as possible :)

Hope everyone's doing fantastic!

Eedee.

thirty-four.

A bit of advice: avoid fasting while on your period if possible. Holy crap, dude. I feel so much weaker and my head has been killing me since I woke up yesterday. It is testicles.

So, I'm 116.5 today! Yay! I was honestly shocked how easy it was to fast yesterday. Having something big like a vacation you want to look good for really gives you that extra bit of willpower you need. I loved it. I fasted for 40 hours total. I had an apple about an hour ago. That, and seriously the tiniest bite of cake you can ever imagine. It was so small it barely fit on two tines of the fork. I crushed it to the roof of my mouth and it was gone. So that's okay. And that's all I'll be having today. If I wasn't bleeding I think I could have just fasted until tomorrow and made it a solid 60 hours, but I just feel such like crap. I'm hoping to see 116 tomorrow. That'll be the lowest I've been so far in my journey. If I reach 115 before vacation, all the better. The place we're going to is a timeshare and my mom thinks it'll have a fitness room, so that makes me happy. I can wake up early every day and get in some exercise before we spend the whole day doing other exercise-y things :D

My goal is to be 113 when I get home on April 11th. Or, if I get below 115 before I leave (oh my god, how amazing would that be?!), two pounds less than what I was when I left. We're going to be walking all over the place and swimming and having good outdoor-type fun so this should be no issue whatsoever. ESPECIALLY if they have a fitness room.

I told my mom I was taking the scale with me to Florida. You guys, I seriously wish you all could have seen her face. She looked at me like I had completely lost my mind and was like "What?!" Because I am completely unwilling to go down and just hope I'm staying on track. I don't trust myself that much. Everyone knows I'm trying to lose more weight and tone up and stuff, so it doesn't sound as bad as it would if I was trying to hide it.

Oh man, only six more days and I'll be gone! It's been so freaking cold and rainy here lately, so I'm looking forward to this even more. Ahh too excited!

Eedee.

thirty-three.

I'm still 118 today. And I count myself lucky. I completely lost my mind last night. In addition to the three bowls of cereal I had early, I had a Lean Pocket (as predicted), a Skinny Cow ice cream bar, and two pieces of fucking cold pizza. Little pieces, since it was from a small frozen pizza. But ugh. I was sure I would have gained. Today I absolutely mean NO FOOD. I have been giving myself way too much wiggle room lately. And I mean the wiggle part literally. Or perhaps jiggle room would be more appropriate, since that's what my entire body does whenever I move. Disgusting.

Oh, and my boyfriend discovered that mustard on cold pizza is delish. To him. It personally disgusts me.

I want to be 115 by the end of the month. That is my goal. It should be no problem, since I was only a pound and a half away when I started eating everything in existence. I have a week to lose three pounds. Oh wait. Shit. I just realized that I'll stop bleeding on the 30th. Fuck. That won't work since I'll be carrying bloat weight. Argh. Well I'm going to shoot for it anyway. By April 2nd, I will absolutely be 115. Watch me.

Eedee.

EDIT - OH. MY GOD. My dad just called me and asked if I wanted to go to Florida for a week. April 2nd until the 10th. I don't think it's any coincidence that I decided not one hour ago to be 115 by the date we leave. The universe is rewarding me for my resolve and determination. I've wanted to go to Florida ever since I got back last summer. This is so awesome! I HAVE to look good for the beach. Oh man. And I get to go shopping because I don't even own bathing suits that fit. Or shorts for that matter. Oh my god, I am so excited!

thirty-two.

First off, I would like to say thank you to all my followers and the people who've been supporting me for the past few months I've been on here. I feel like you guys believe I can do this, even when I've lost all faith in myself. You mean more to me than you know :D

I'm 118 today. I'm sure some of it is from the awful bingefest yesterday, but I'm attributing a little bit of it to period bloat as well. Because it makes me feel better. I had three bowls of Special K this morning at like 11AM. I have to stop getting it. I love it to death, but I always eat way too much of it when I have it. In two days I ate the entire box. By myself. That is unacceptable. I suppose the good news is it's gone and I can't have any more even if I wanted it. It's been 8 hours since I had it and I'm not the least bit hungry. My mind is trying to convince me I want to eat something, but the only reason is I want to eat something yummy. And that's no reason to stuff my fat face with noms.

I've been trying to think of some way to regulate how I eat. Like, more than usual. And I think what I'm going to go with is the Rule of One. Anything I eat, I can only have one of. One bowl of cereal, one Lean Pocket, one scoop of frozen yogurt. Because I'm weak and gross and know I'll eat shit even when I don't want it and will hate myself later. One piece of pizza, one cookie, ONE FUCKING FROZEN ECLAIR. Fruits and veggies are exempt from this rule. As are eggs, but not toast. Toast can be evil. Obviously, I'm going to try to eat as little of this garbage as possible, but I realize I'm a weak, fat pig and will eat whatever my stupid mind tells me anyway. Ugh, even as I form it up in my mind I know I'm going to fail. My brain is so negative. My entire world is negative.

And now I'm fucking hungry. I wasn't before, but thinking of all this crap makes me want a damn Lean Pocket. I'll probably eat one whenever BF decides to make food for himself. I am so weak. I'm going to try and get some kind of fat blocker and/or metabolism booster once I get some money. Hopefully that's soon. God knows I need it. And BF and I might split the cost of a gym membership. Apparently you can get one for two people for a deal. Definitely interested.

Hope everyone's doing wonderfully. AKA better than me. Good luck, beauties.

Eedee.

thirty-one.

Down to 117 today :D

Well, I was. I don't know what it is. I'm desperate to get down where I want to be, but the other part of me just doesn't care. I'm just like, whatever. This won't do any real damage to my loss. Might as well eat it. Besides, I want it. But that's not good! Ugh. I'm trying to eat whatever I'm going to have in a day earlier so I have more time to burn it off during the day. I feel like that's why I lost a pound and a half since yesterday even though I ate a bit of steak and ice cream (even though the ice cream was only 80cals). Oh, and I ate an apple last night instead of more ice cream. So that made me a bit happier.

Today I've had too much. I had five (FUCKING FIVE!) bowls of Special K, another ice cream bar, and three crackers with Laughing Cow cheese. I'm going to round up and say 800cals for all the cereal (ohmyfuckinggod), 80 for the ice cream, and 95 for the crackers and cheese. So right now I'm at 975cals for the day. Oh my fucking lord. Almost 1000 calories and all I've had is cereal, ice cream, and crackers. No wonder I'm so damn unhealthy. Tomorrow is no food. Nearly 1000 calories in one day is unacceptable. I've realized once again how much fat I still have to lose. Every piece of me jiggles. I'm soft and mushy and fucking disgusting. I start bleeding tomorrow so I'm sure to bloat and feel even worse about myself anyway. Rawr. I wish laxatives could be taken every other day without all the risks. I'm making myself wait until after my period is over to take more. Like I need laxie pain on top of cramps.

So yeah. Two more pounds until my first goal of 115! I can't wait. Today probably put me back a little bit but hopefully tomorrow will make up for it. BF and I love these frozen mini chocolate eclairs, but they're absolutely terrible for you. So I'm making myself wait and we'll have them to celebrate my reaching my goal. And that'll be all I consume that day (maybe a piece of fruit or veggie to be a bit healthy) since it's redic caloric. Oh man, just two more pounds :D

Eedee.

EDIT: Oh. My. God. I hate myself so much right now. BF just brought the box of eclairs in the room. The reward for me reaching 115. And we ate them. Arrrrrgh! His grandmother had five and there are 30 in the box so I figure I had about..12 or so. That's another 560 calories for today. That is a grand total of 1535 calories for the day. None of which was anything particularly healthy. I'm taking back what I said before. Laxies tomorrow, in addition to NO FUCKING FOOD! God, I just got back to 117 and I'm fucking ruining it already. I fucking hate myself. I'm so WEAK.